Today I am watching Orphan Black for the first dang time
With my friend Georgia, who has seen it before but promised not to spoil anything for me
Here is everything I know about the show!
-It’s a BBC production
-It’s about…clones? I think it’s about clones
-One woman plays like 99 different roles (thus the clones)
-It is one of the two really well-regarded shows that start with the letters “Or” and end with the word “Black”
-The main girl was robbed at the Emmys.
(Presumably because she plays like 99 different role)
Anything else I should know going in, G?
Apparently when Maslany’s mother watches this she only recognises one clone as her daughter.
BUT WHICH ONE??
This lady is sleeping on the train
JUST LIKE A CLONE WOULD
(I know very little about clones)
Girl on phone: “Hey it’s Sarah”
That is a clever way to introduce your main character’s name
I love that she’s using payphones
This must be set in like the late 1800s
Lady stripping on train platform
I can get behind this
OH GOD SHE HAS HER FACE
How did it get there!
Other-face lady just took her clothes off and stepped in front of a train
Steal the handbag!
Ever the opportunist, Sarah
She stole your face, you can take the handbag
That seems fair
Plus she’s dead
My understanding is that you require your handbag a lot less once you’re dead
“Oh my god, you look like crap.”
Token sassy gay friend! Errybody’s got one.
Oh he’s gay
I have the worst gaydar ever
His name’s Felix.
F e l i x.
He’s either gay or a gadabout cat.
Okay so Sarah:
-Has a daughter
-Is a drug dealer
-Abuses her boyfriend (implied to be mutual)
-Presumably either has/is a clone
-Has a gay best friend
(or possibly a gadabout cat)
“She looked exactly like me”
“What do you mean?”
Sounds pretty straightforward to me.
‘You know me? That’s exactly what she looked like.’
Elizabeth is getting a phone call from Art
*cut to a painting of flowers, disappointed that no one is answering*
I don’t think it’s going to but it would be so good if the entire series was just Sarah robbing her clones
Maybe it is, in one way or another. MAYBE IT IS
Hang on was the clones house just unlocked?
Sarah has a key.
The key that they showed us
I was going to complain about the unrealistic nature of the clone having keys in her handbag instead of her pocket
And then I remembered women don’t get pockets
Pockets are men-only
It’s true. Feminism has only taken us so far.
Felix is topless in a room with art
The same Art!??!?!??!
Art doesn’t take rejection well, ran into the first arms that would take it.
Stolen from Sarah so far:
So far, Sarah has stolen:
I think she’s ahead
Why would you tell Felix about this money?
He’s her best friend.
She obviously doesn’t know about Art yet
I guess if I were a drug-stealing drug dealer I would be more cautious
Steal her life, Sarah!
Sarah stop using that credit card on the fridge
That is not how credit cards work
This is why she’s poor.
Is she genuinely going to try to steal this person’s life?
I feel like it is a fun plan that will fall apart very, very quickly
It’s getting a little psychopathic
She’s practicing saying two words, over and over again
Presumably her plan is to only ever say that for the rest of her new life
Tell me ONE situation where that isn’t an appropriate response
“This dam just exploded: how would you assess it?”
Georgia: With a confused look and a pause it works
Why are all these people using landline phones?
We’ve established mobiles exist in this world
It’s the olden days.
She had TWO mobiles!
This show is set in a time when people have MORE mobiles than we do now!
Maybe they’re constantly out of minutes because they’re wasting all their money on fridge seals.
Oh god Sarah
This is already falling apart so quickly
“How did you manage your last charity run?”
Imagine when it gets trickier
“Hey what’s your favourite colour?”
*steps in front of train*
I love it when people read text out loud that we can very clearly read ourselves.
Safety deposit box!
My ideal contents of the safety deposit box:
-A note to Sarah
that reads ‘HELLO SARAH’
‘I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING’
‘GIVE BACK MY IDENTITY PLZTHNX’
Awww it was just some…fake passports?
And now some guy is trying to pull her into a car
Sarah: ‘D…Damn right…’
Okay, we have a new character! Cop-who-knows-Elizabeth
He’s feisty too.
Cop: “Are you ready?”
Oh come on Sarah!!
That was the perfect opportunity to use your catch-phrase!
We rehearsed this!
Sarah: “Can I call you Colin?”
Colin: “My mum does.”
That did not answer the question, Colin.
(assuming it’s okay for me to call you that)
I mean presumably your Mum also changed your diaper but that isn’t really blanket approval
He’s setting a standard that Felix may now do WHATEVER his mother does.
Felix: *brings out a nipple for Colin to suck on*
Oh shit she’s a cop!
She earned that badge
That is HARD to bluff your way through
Not for me. I’ve watched a million episodes of SVU.
She’d have to just….quit?
I’m trying to work out how you’d get out of this
Det. Olivia Benson wouldn’t quit.
Or…just steal some soap
Steal and drink a bunch of soap
That solves most problems
Cut to: Felix drinking coffee
or is it SOAP!?
I think this will be an ongoing theme throughout the series
“Felix makes better drinking choices than Sarah”
(Seriously do we ever find out whether it’s coffee or soap?)
He’ll burp a bubble if it’s coffee
or.. soap. I forget which.
Guess she won’t have a dirty mouth any more!!!!!!!!
I’m here all week, guys.
Oh wow! Elizabeth was a cop who shot a civilian!
No easy way out of THAT!
I like how everyone just packs up their books as soon as she throws up. They’re like “Well, job done”.
I think Felix is my favourite so far
He has such good drinking habits
The coroner is like ‘Man how many people want to look at this dead body?’
‘I got work to do today, guys’
‘I can’t even hit on this dude’
It’s alright, his mum used to look at dead bodies too.
I know that this is not where the show is going to go, but I would totally watch a show about someone stealing the identity of a cop and then being an awesome cop with a terrible secret
Oh hang on that’s basically Suits
I accidentally invented Cop Suits
Can Sarah make a request to read her own statement?
Or I guess if she hasn’t made a statement yet then that’s the problem
Because then Psychiatrists don’t get to write mean things about their patients.
‘Whinges a lot about ugly face’.
‘Drinks too much soap’
They need their privacy.
Oh cool they were multiple birth certificates
Maybe belonging to…
Or the coroner’s mum. We’ll see!
Prediction: it’s all part of a huge scientific experiment.
‘What happens if you put 8 completley-identical girls into very different life situations’
Oh shiiiiit. Paul’s back!
And already judging her clothes.
He just said she didn’t rock!!
No wonder Beth killed herself.
The one thing that links these clones is that they all have terrible taste in men
Fortunately shooting an old Asian woman is a perfect excuse to act really distant with your boyfriend
“What happened to your hair?”
“I got it cut”
‘I got it cut LONGER, Paul.’
Obviously he’s not the detective in this relationship.
Just saw some bum!
I feel like she can’t just have sex with everyone who asks her awkward questions
I guess she can
It’ll just be a very different show
Sarah has a really nice bum.
I wonder what Elizabeth’s was like.
Also: surely, surely you notice when the person you’re having sex with is a different person.
I’ve not had sex with that many people
But I feel like you develop certain habits and techniques
Which you would notice dramatically changing
He was gone for a week, maybe she youtubed some tips.
Not the worst manbum I’ve seen.
Paul: “That was amazing. Where’ve you been hiding THAT action?”
Bad at sex
And also dead
Paul: “Beth. Are you back on the meds?”
Another handy excuse for acting totally differently!
Now she’s dodging kisses
From the man she impulsively fucked the previous night
He won’t know if he’s Arthur or Martha.
Okay I’m going to go back to this but SURELY you would notice someone different after 2 years together
She distracted him by his penis.
I’m talking about sex!
I mean you fall into a routine of sex, surely
“Routine” may be a poor word choice
Oh man now everyone reading this is going ‘Poor Peter’
‘Bad at sex’
The thing is
If every time you have sex it’s exactly the same, then you’re doing something very wrong.
Topless man in towel!
But surely you’d learn things your partner does and doesn’t like, not to mention what YOU do and don’t like.
I didn’t like mushrooms for years. Then I suddenly did!!
Sarah: “I still want us to be together, Felix.”
I don’t think anyone told her he was gay
Aaaand we’ve now met her kid!
It’s another her!
German version of her
Man she looks different
It’s TWO tatiana maslany’s in the one car!!
Turns out haircuts change how people look
SHE JUST GOT SHOT
Man her clones are dropping like flies
Goodbye German clone
She seemed fun.
German, American, English
It seems that someone wants to take out all the Sarah clones
I can only hope the gunman IS a Sarah clone
That one was already sick though. Seems they wasted a bullet.
I wish I could say that I’m surprised by how awesome the show is, but the fact is that I’m only watching it because everyone has been raving about it
(They were very high expectations though!)
Well. It only gets better!
Well now you have RAISED my expectations for future episodes
Meaning that no matter how good they are, the result will never exceed MET
Ugh why do DVDs still have ‘previous on’ at the start of each episode?
What do they think we are, amateurs??
It is the year 2015
The previously on did have a repeat of her bum though
That was nice
Now she’s got a SECOND clone, she can fake the death of Elizabeth
And take the life of the German girl
I call this “clone-hopping” and I thoroughly recommend it to anyone who’s interested in a diverse range of life experiences
Who wants to be German though
Voice on phone: “It’s true! Someone is killing us.”
She has to hide the clone bones!
Props to Sarah for keeping her accent in this stressful situation.
Immediately after you said that:
Sarah: “Jesus bloody Christ!”
Lady on phone: “…what?”
I would just let that go, in this situation.
Oh my god the theme tune is so delightful
Such a contrast to the stressful experience Sarah just went through
It’s fun to sing along to, in private.
Georgia there were mushrooms!
Just for you!
Maybe I don’t like mushrooms any more
Honestly Sarah don’t bother digging a grave
It always just stops someone from finding the body for what, 2 minutes?
But she found such a nice, open area to do it in.
Looks like the middle of a road.
Thirty seconds after she leaves, a hiker and dog will come along
Or a jogger!
So Elizabeth definitely killed herself in front of Sarah deliberately
Otherwise that’s a ridiculous and over-the-top coincidence that diminishes the whole show
I just can’t possibly work out why she did it though
Just blow past it
Haha she’s looting the body
So far in 100% of the episodes of this show, she has looted a clone’s body
And 100% of clone bodies we’ve seen have been looted by Sarah.
In 50% of the episodes, Sarah has drunk soap
Well this one isn’t finished yet. Maybe it’s a crossover with “My Strange Addiction”.
Aaaand cut to Felix drinking
THAT ISN’T BOURBON
Maybe clones can’t tell the difference, like aliens drinking gasoline or something to look human.
Felix is a clone!?!?!!?
Deep down, aren’t we all clones, Peter?
Mrs S: Mother of clones
Well, adopted mother.
Felix: “I was mad at you and so I decided to blow all the money from your stolen coke on a wake.”
A fake wake.
I cannot think of a stupider thing that I’ve seen a character do, ever.
I think opening the door every time Vic pounds on it like he’s fixing to kill whoever is inside is dumber than that.
Felix and Vic deserve each other
Felix: “Another twin?”
Surely after the second they stop being twins.
He’ll figure it out, give him a minute
I just worked out what’s happening
Someone is trying to skin all 101 of the clones to make a coat
If that doesn’t scare you, no evil thing will.
Sarah has anger management problems
Maybe all the clones do, and Sarah just doesn’t own a gun/encounter elderly Chinese women as often.
I am holding out hope that the elderly Chinese women is another clone
I’m not sure how elderly she was.
That makes my hope all the more likely
I can’t believe Art stole that money. What an A-hole
Oh Art is short for Arthur
So Felix was sleeping with Arthur!!
Art Hur and his brother Ben
Paul: “Why are you suddenly dressing like a punk rock ho?”
Yes your accent is great
But if you can’t dress like Elizabeth it’s really a waste
Appearance is like identity-theft 101
Paul is super lame so far. Moody and boring.
Awwww Sarah feels sorry for him
She’s like ‘I want to be physically close to you because you clearly need your gf right now’
But also ‘I don’t know you at all’
‘Plus you just called me a ho’
I’m surprised for someone with such nice hair that Felix wears a helmet on his bike.
I sure don’t.
Maybe that’s WHY your hair isn’t as nice
This woman oozes sex in everything she’s in. I love it.
Mrs S. Sex.
Look at all that ooze
Mrs S: “Most feral mutt I ever took in.”
I just want her to get me in trouble for something.
It could be anything, really. A towel on the floor. Dressing like a punk rock ho.
Not wearing a helmet
Sarah’s daughter is apparently a monkey
When I have kids I am going to call them animal nicknames
It’s spectacularly cute
Like ‘Ocelot’ or ‘Capybara’
Or ‘Feral mutt’
Art seems to have a lot of issues. Did he and Felix break up?
ALL Art is misunderstood
But this one particularly
I have heard he can be hard to appreciate.
I may not know him, but I know what I like
Okay this is the youngest elderly Chinese woman ever
She doesn’t look like a clone (due to Asian) but I can’t quite tell
They do age beautifully.
ART PUT THE PHONE IN HER HAND!
Man, that sounds like some kind of beautiful metaphor
If he was going to do that, why not put… um… I don’t know… a WEAPON
Sarah: “She knows I’m back, doesn’t she? I can feel her!”
PSYCHIC CLONE POWER or just generic motherly stuff?
Felix: “That’s Beth’s other phone.”
In all fairness it’s just ONE of Beth’s phone.
There’s no clear hierarchy
He’s doing his best to keep up.
Felix is just like “Maaaan this stealing identity thing is complex”
And also a little bit “Sarah is good at this”
It’s very lucky that the clone we’re following is so street smart
And has TWO handbags now
And not dead
It would be a much slower show if we followed one of the dead ones
Sarah: “Can I borrow this hat?”
Felix: “No. Whatever”
Jesus Felix Sarah is trying to juggle three identities. Lend her a fucking hat.
Maybe it’s his favourite.
And Sarah doesn’t seem like the most reliable person.
She reallllly needs to get her hands on a gun
Okay so far in 100% of the episodes Sarah has:
-Looted a clone
-Pretended to be a new clone
Are you impressed that when she pretends to be a clone, she sounds like she’s doing a good impression of them, as opposed to just *being* that clone?
Oh shit I didn’t even notice that
It’s so distinctly Sarah in every role, even when she’s pretending to be someone else.
She really was robbed at the Emmys
They’re meant to be in America aren’t they? That money is not American.
This is all set in England
Nooo! It’s a BBC show but I was sure they were in America.
I assumed it was all set in England
Due to all the British people (Sarah, Felix, step-mum, boyfriend)
Mrs S brought her over
I am bad at accents
They haven’t been clear about that yet. But Mrs S brought her over and Felix is her foster brother.
So many twins!
I’m trying to think now why I was so certain it was England
Well you’re right, most of the key players sound British/Irish
and it’s BBC
Voice on phone: “Did you find it?”
Sarah: *throws briefcase into the ocean*
Bill Pullman: Noooooooo
Coming up! My favourite clone.
Okay she’s in Scarborough
I feel like this is definitely Englahnd
Maybe it’s *New England*
We just saw a red car
I really hope this red car is your favourite clone
She’s so versatile.
No matter where it’s set, if it’s BBC it’s definitely filmed in England so looking for visual clues doesn’t really work
These kids sounds American.
NOW IT IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT
Set and filmed in Toronto Canada
Now I don’t know what to think
Sarah: “The soccer mum”
Clones by type:
Goddddd she’s a great actor
I want to bathe in her acting
In a big tub of her acting-juice
See! Now it’s two different clones, not Sarah pretending to be someone else
(Sidenote, Sarah is the only clone that Maslany’s mother recognises as her daughter)
Sarah: “Just tell me who we are to each other.”
Mom clone: “Are you kidding me?”
That really seems like a reasonable request
‘Obviously we are one of MANY twins.’
Sarah (as Beth): “I had to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond.”
Art: ‘That sounds like a reasonable excuse that I won’t question any further.’
‘Can you pick me up some bathbombs?’
Dr Bowers is the coldest psych ever.
With notes too mean to show
Beth: “That’s not going to work for me.”
Doc: ‘Oh in that case I guess you’re fit for duty!’
Oh man Beth is…blackmailing her drug supplier?
What a confusing relationship
She’s doing it well too.
Not as well as Maslany acts
She set the bar high
Nothing is as good as that
Soccer Mom clone: “I can’t find a sitter”
She should clone one!
I genuinely thought she was going to ask Sarah to sit for her
Confusing the kids beyond reason
Art: “I hold onto that money until you’re reinstated. That was the deal. I’m looking out for you.”
None of that makes sense
How is that looking out for her?
And at what point was this deal made??
Art and Paul should run off together so I never have to see their stupid faces again.
So hang on three clones were all living within a few miles of each other
In the same city
Maybe it’s a people per capita thing
Either that’s going to be explained, it’s a ridiculous coincidence, or there are MILLIONS of clones.
I really hope it’s the last.
With at least three clones in every city in the world.
Felix: “You always do this to me!”
…leave you outside a clone’s house after hearing that another clone has died?
I would hate if my siblings did that to me.
Worst foster-sister ever.
You speak like a man who wasn’t left outside a house just yesterday.
Soccer Mom Clone: “Close it. Lock it.”
Daft punk: “Zip it. Move it. Pop it.”
Yup! #5 that we’ve met
I will freely admit I’m intrigued!
Oh! It’s a BBC America production
That explains a LOT
I feel like it just further confuses the issue.
‘The US and the UK are teaming up, so where’s the obvious place to set and film their show?’
Maybe they had to
Since that’s where all the clones were, and it was too expensive to ship them in.