Battlestar Galactica: The Miniseries

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Battlestar Galactica: a TV show, or just an excellent board game? Why not both? After playing the board game twice, Peter decided to watch through the TV series, to see what – if any – differences existed. His cousin Gavin and his brother Xander, both fans of the show, decided to watch along with him and help out with names. Due to lack of obvious episode breaks, the miniseries has been split into three chunks of approximately equal size.
:
Battlestar Galactica
Peter:
About to start the Battlestar Galactica miniseries!
Peter:
I have never seen this show, but I have played the board game.
Peter:
Twice.
Peter:
(Humans lost both times)
Peter:
Gavin: The creators of the show based most of the plot twists around a playthrough of the board game.
Peter:
Everything I know about the series:
Peter:
-There are Cylons (evil robots)
Peter:
-There are humans (presumably good?)
Peter:
-It’s a big ole museum ship
Peter:
-The bad guy from Dexter season 6 is in it
Peter:
-There’s a recurring mystical tune that ultimately doesn’t mean anything.
Peter:
-All the humans die except the ones on the Battlestar
Peter:
-The Battlestar…Galactica
Peter:
Let’s go!
Peter:
[[Miniseries, Chunk 1]]
Peter:
We’re starting wth some textual backstory
Peter:
Twelve Colonies, Cylons, all that jazz.
Peter:
The Cylons turned murderous.
Peter:
I’ve heard such convincing arguments against AI turning against humans that I really struggle to believe it in TV series.
Peter:
Gavin:
Kind of like how stupid the “you only use 10% of your brain” thing is to people who know anything about how the brain works. The only time you approach using 100% of your brain at any one time is when you are having an epileptic fit.
Xander:
Epileptics are the next stage in evolution
Peter:
Apparently Cylons are indistinguishable from humans.
Peter:
Does that mean that they took some humans with them when they left, to model themselves on?
Xander:
I think they just took some porn and just hoped it would be enough
Xander:
As a result, all the male Cylons are monstrously well endowed
Peter:
Hey, it’s a Base star!
Peter:
I know them from the game.
Peter:
Looks like the Cylons are not planning on happy-fun-peacetime.
Peter:
Tour guide…what a brilliant method of delivering exposition.
Peter:
Genuinely genius.
Peter:
A lot of this show is apparently “Guess the Cylon” but I literally have nothing to go on so far.
Peter:
So I’m going to guess…everyone is a Cylon.
Peter:
Especially this cute geek girl.
Peter:
Hey, this character is in the game too!
Peter:
I am coming to this show from a particularly unusual position.
Peter:
I’m like the entire audience of the Battleship movie.
Gavin:
I was so excited when “E-12” made a cameo appearance.
Peter:
“Where did you get the nickname Starbuck?”
Peter:
Presumably from someone who’s read Moby Dick.
Peter:
So far in the game everyone has revealed themselves as a Cylon as soon as they get dealt the card.
Peter:
I assume that will not happen on the show.
Peter:
Angry punching!
Peter:
What a…Cylonic thing to do.
Peter:
(Maybe?)
Peter:
(I really know very little about Cylons)
Peter:
Cara (Karen? Kara?) is tough.
Peter:
You can tell from the cigar.
Peter:
Also I guess the “punching a superior officer” thing.
Gavin:
Kara.
Gavin:
Kara Thrace
Peter:
Being a great fighter pilot is nice, but yeah that’s not enough to get you out of trouble when you’re punching people in the face.
Peter:
Career tip: Don’t punch people in the face.
Peter:
Caprica City, on the planet of Caprica.
Peter:
I know I sure love going to “Earth City” here on Earth.
Xander:
Or “New York City” in New York
Peter:
President lady!
Peter:
I played her in the first Battlestar game.
Peter:
She’s fun.
Gavin:
Well, she’s not President yet…
Peter:
She will be, Gav.
Peter:
She will be.
Peter:
(unless the board game inexplicably decided to wildly deviate from the show’s canon)
Xander:
There’s already been a good few deviations
Xander:
The Cylons were original to the board game
Xander:
Also the entire space setting
Peter:
I’m going to be honest, this is one of the best ideas for a TV show I’ve heard of in a long time.
Peter:
The museum battleship bit is what really sold it to me.
Gavin:
I hear they’re planning on sending the Smithsonian into orbit in the next couple of years.
Peter:
Oh no! That Cylon lady is going to eat a baby!
Peter:
Cylons eat babies, right?
Peter:
Cylon-lady: “May I?”
Peter:
NO DON’T SHE’S GOING TO EAT IT.
Peter:
“So fragile” is an extremely creepy thing to say about a child.
Peter:
Aw man she killed the baby. 🙁
Peter:
I’m so intrigued to discover how they explain the whole “Humans and Cylons are almost completely biologically identical.”
Peter:
Like…can Cylons knock women up?
Peter:
Can they bear human children?
Peter:
If not, I feel like “fertility tests” would be a great way to differentiate the two.
Peter:
If so…
Peter:
Well that just leads to some incredibly, incredibly creepy plot ideas.
Peter:
Just match every man with a woman, and kill anyone who doesn’t become pregnant/impregnate someone.
Peter:
Yes, that plan has a lot of flaws, but it’d totally be worth it if they could wipe out the Cylons.
Peter:
(As you can see, I take a pretty ruthless approach to this kind of thing.)
Peter:
Hang on so the Cylon chick is dating the programming dude?
Gavin:
His name is Gaius Boltar.
Peter:
It would be hilarious if that female human model was the only one that they had, and all the Cylons look exactly like her.
Peter:
‘No I swear I’m not a Cylon! They modelled themselves off me, I promise!!’
Peter:
Oooh, redspine. I’ve seen images of that on…T-shirts, I think.
Peter:
That seems like an easy way to tell the difference, right there.
Peter:
Check the redness of the spine.
Peter:
Done.
Peter:
(I would be like the Hans Landa of the BSG universe, I swear)
Gavin:
It only happens during sex
Gavin:
This means that Cylons can’t ever do reverse cowgirl, or have sex in front of a mirror.
Gavin:
Or in front of a camera.
Xander:
Hence the high price of Cylon porn.
Peter:
Man, snapping a baby’s neck…that is a hell of a mean thing to do.
Peter:
I am starting to suspect that the Cylons are not the good guys.
Peter:
Captain Leo!
Peter:
I’m pretty sure he’s in the game as well.
Xander:
Do you think they’ll do a crossover?
Peter:
I’m assuming that there’s no auto landing because…he doesn’t trust computers?
Peter:
Because of the whole Cylon thing?
Peter:
Or he just wants his pilots to be good at landing.
Peter:
It seems like a useful skill for a pilot to have.
Peter:
Haha lovely.
Peter:
Pretending to hate each other to mask the sex.
Peter:
There seems to be a good amount of sex on this show so far.
Peter:
Caprica City, Capricania, Planet Caprica.
Peter:
Right next to Capricaville in the next country over, Capricazon.
Xander:
Second star to the right
Xander:
and then straight on ‘til morning
Peter:
Is the Cylon pretending to be religious?
Peter:
Or I’ve just completely mixed up characters…
Peter:
IIRC, the “mysticism and superstition” largely turns out to be true, doesn’t it?
Peter:
I’m prepared to be disappointed.
Peter:
This is such a great idea for a hard sci-fi series.
Peter:
It really doesn’t seem to need supernatural elements.
Xander:
Star Wars had supernatural elements
Xander:
and Star Wars is the hardest of sci-fi
Gavin:
Didn’t you see the prequels? It’s not supernatural, it’s little bacteria in your blood that lets you control inanimate objects and read minds.
Gavin:
HARD SCIENCE.
Peter:
The CGI has held up pretty well.
Peter:
Unless they actually filmed this part in space, with real spaceships.
Peter:
“You’re actually afraid of computers.”
Peter:
Yeah, like the computers that…tried to destroy all mankind?
Peter:
I have four awards I’m going to be giving out for each episode (or, in this case, “chunk”):
Peter:
Most Likeable
Peter:
Least Likeable
Peter:
Most Intriguing
Peter:
Best CGI
Peter:
They’re pretty self-explanatory
Peter:
I think I am going to give Punchy McGee Least Likeable
Peter:
And so far the Cylons are winning Best CGI.
Peter:
The Cylon seems to be jealous.
Peter:
It is possible that I am confusing two characters though.
Gavin:
She walked in on Gaius sleeping with another lady.
Gavin:
It’s a monogamy thing. You might not understand.
Peter:
“I have something to tell you…”
Peter:
‘I am a robot sent to destroy mankind! Surprise!’
Peter:
“Stand closer…closer…perfect!”
Peter:
‘Now the ROBOT BULLET will kill you both!’
Peter:
The only death so far has been that of a baby.
Peter:
Show verdict so far: needs more death.
Peter:
(Not specifically baby deaths)
Peter:
(Although I’ll take what i can get)
Peter:
Oh wow…she really has told him that she is a robot.
Peter:
What an interesting relationship.
Xander:
If honesty in a relationship is surprising to you I think we need to have a talk
Peter:
I’m giving Cylon-lady Most Intriguing.
Peter:
I want to know more about their relationship AND why she’s telling him and…
Peter:
Yeah. Lots of questions!
Peter:
She has totally intrigued me.
Peter:
Run, Zack!
Peter:
Get the heck out of there!
Peter:
Jesus Christ, Zack.
Peter:
Why are you not running?
Peter:
She’s just told you a heap of information that you really need to act on.
Peter:
Quickly.
Peter:
Though it looks like it won’t super matter.
Xander:
Who is Zack?
Gavin:
He means Gaius…
Peter:
I do not know why I keep thinking his name is Zack.
Peter:
It so rarely is.
Peter:
“The Cylon war is long over.”
Peter:
Dramatic Irony strikes again!
Peter:
Oh man.
Peter:
The last commander is embarrassing himself in from of the future president.
Peter:
“Humans suck!”
Peter:
He is going to be so red when he realises most of the people listening to the speech ARE human…
Peter:
Why are people clapping that?
Peter:
That speech was a total downer.
Peter:
Oh shiiiiit.
Peter:
Now the reporters are dying.
Peter:
Zack: “What have I done?”
Peter:
I’m genuinely not sure what you’re feeling guilty about there. .
Peter:
For assuming that your girlfriend wasn’t a robot?
Peter:
We’ve all been there, Zack.
Peter:
We’ve all been there.
Peter:
(I assume my girlfriend isn’t a robot every single day.)
Gavin:
He gave her the passcodes for the Cylons to get in past the planet’s defences, thus killing almost everyone on the planet.
Peter:
Poor Zack. 🙁
Peter:
I’m giving Zack Most Likeable.
Peter:
I know, I know: controversial choice. He’s a cheater who destroyed mankind.
Peter:
But remember, even Hitler won Time Man of the Year at some point.
Peter:
A small part of me is expecting Galactica to have big wheels representing their remaining food, population, fuel and morale…
Xander:
I genuinely don’t know how or why this show would fulfill that expectation
Gavin:
Like in the board game…
Xander:
Gavin, real life doesn’t always work like a board game
Peter:
The man announcing “Action stations” sounds so, so bored.
Peter:
Come on, dude.
Peter:
This is the first time we’ve had action stations in 50 years. Put some energy into it.
Peter:
“And get Kara out of the brig…”
Peter:
yeah good move.
Peter:
If you want the Cylons PUNCHED IN THE FACE.
Peter:
Jesus, this is 10 years old.
Peter:
The CGI has really impressed me.
Peter:
“Frak me”
Peter:
…I normally enjoy sci-fi’s efforts to get around not being allowed to swear on-air, but “frak”?
Peter:
Really?
Xander:
Gorram Cylons
Peter:
Most Likeable: Zack
Peter:
Most Intriguing: Cylon-girl
Peter:
Least Likeable: Punchy McGee
Peter:
Best CGI: Robo-Cylons
Peter:
[[Miniseries, Chunk 2]]
Peter:
Cylons apparently have feelings.
Peter:
And their spines glow red when they’re for-real turned on
Peter:
What a strange bit of world-building
Peter:
I guess that means you couldn’t just get a bunch of suspected Cylons to fuck and watch their spines.
Peter:
I may not be the Jew-Hunter after all.
Peter:
I accidentally saw a screenshot from the Battlestar Galactica opening credits the other day that said “Seven are known”, so I’m guessing we’re going to meet seven Cylons?
Peter:
Maybe in this opening mini-series?
Gavin:
It’s actually in a “This Is Your Life” style event.
Gavin:
They bring out one of the characters and over the course of half an hour, introduce them to seven people who were secretly Cylons
Peter:
My air force friend told me that for every pilot, you need one hundred other people to maintain the aircraft.
Peter:
I feel like that ratio would be even greater for spaceships.
Xander:
Just make some robots to help with maintenance.
Xander:
How could THAT go wrong?
Peter:
Haha this is literally the first time in my life I’ve heard the phrase “wingman” in its actual military context.
Peter:
Like…I didn’t even realise that the original context WAS military until that line.
Gavin:
For no reason other than ART, they have octagonal paper in this show…
Gavin:
It’s a recurring thing, but it’s…weird.
Peter:
I’ve got so many questions about why the Cylons aren’t just going to win this battle.
Peter:
You’d think if there was any one Cylon on-board the BSG, they could just poison the shit out of the air supply.
Peter:
Also the Cylons apparently have the ability to turn off spaceships!
Peter:
That seems like a useful power.
Peter:
Until the humans develop pedal-powered spaceships, of course…
Peter:
Oh man these humans gonna die.
Peter:
Oh man those humans died.
Peter:
So my take on it from 55 minutes of TV show and a few hours of board game is…how the heck do the humans even have a chance??
Peter:
I’m going to bet the couple sharing a spaceship survive, based on the Theory of Screentime.
Xander:
Tell that to Game of Thrones
Peter:
Why are these guys wearing spacesuits inside the spaceship?
Peter:
I guess for situations like that when the ship gets pierced?
Peter:
That seems like a massive inconvenience for such an occasional problem.
Gavin:
Tell that to double-wrapping condoms.
Peter:
One of my favourite elements of space-based sci-fi is the ability to do stuff like drift and appear like debris on the radar.
Peter:
If the President turns out to be a Cylon, that’s a hell of a long game she’s playing.
Peter:
Looking sad about fatal diseases, in a room by herself, way before the Cylons even attack.
Peter:
I like how in situations like this (the ship of people with no clear leader, the survivors from Lost) power is determined by whoever has the greatest air of authority.
Peter:
Whenever you start a new show, there’s waaay too many characters to keep track of.
Peter:
This one is doubly annoying because I reckon most of these dudes will be dead or Cylons soon.
Peter:
When the series starts proper, I’ll be able to bond more with them.
Peter:
Right now the only characters I am concerned with are President, Olmos, and Zack.
Peter:
And honestly, I assumed Zack was going to die until everyone but me knew his name.
Gavin:
GAIUS
Peter:
Couple from spaceship made it to a planet!
Peter:
A planet that, admittedly, looks like it’s being nuked…
Peter:
I have so, so many questions about the Cylons.
Peter:
What do they want?
Peter:
Is it just…revenge?
Peter:
It looks like a pack of giant wild dogs are attacking.
Peter:
Oh, it’s humans.
Peter:
I guess that makes more sense.
Peter:
Yay! Zack!
Peter:
Or as Gavin insists on calling him, “Gauis Boltar”.
Gavin:
BECAUSE THAT IS HIS NAME
Peter:
Erin Dorral is talking to “Captain”.
Peter:
I do not know who either of these characters are.
Peter:
See the best way to keep people on their toes for the rest of the series would be to make the most relatable character into a Cylon.
Peter:
Right now, that’s Olmos, President or Zack…the three that we know for a fact aren’t Cylons.
Peter:
Or…do we know anything for a fact?
Peter:
I guess spaceship-couple could be Cylons.
Peter:
They’re pretty relatable.
Peter:
Oh right, “Captain” is the captain of the Politic-ship that the dying President lady is on.
Peter:
Ah yes, the classic “many of you are going to die, let’s decide who lives” strategy.
Gavin:
“We’ll use the flight manual for the lottery.”
Gavin:
‘But…we need the flight manual! For flight!’
Peter:
I feel like a lottery is a particularly weak way of choosing who lives but yeah in an emergency situation I guess they don’t have much choice.
Peter:
Watching ships be launched is fun.
Peter:
From a technological point of view, I’ve got all kinds of questions.
Peter:
I think that ties into my Cylon questions though.
Peter:
I just want more information at this point.
Peter:
I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Peter:
‘Too much story! Give me more exposition!’
Peter:
How come these old ships (or ‘birds’ as they’re called) can survive the Cylons’ interference?
Gavin:
Because they’re using old systems.
Peter:
Oh.
Peter:
I mean for plot reasons I get it, but…
Peter:
If the Cylons are just knocking “power” out, does that mean that the old birds don’t use…power?
Peter:
Like maybe they’re nuclear-powered instead of battery powered, fair enough.
Peter:
But my bigger question is:
Peter:
Why are the Cylons unable to affect the ships that they ACTUALLY fought against last time?
Peter:
Wouldn’t they be the frickin kings of beating them birds down?
Gavin:
They get in through wireless network systems
Gavin:
The new ships have those hardwired in, these old ones don’t have them because Olmos doesn’t allow them.
Peter:
I like the fact that they’re not using energy quasars or whatever, they’re attacking each other…with nukes.
Peter:
Maybe Punchy McGee is such a good pilot because…she’s a Cylon!?
Peter:
Hell I have no idea.
Peter:
I need at least one Cylon reveal before I can start making predictions that are actually based on anything other than pure guesswork.
Xander:
Here’s a hint, just to get you going
Xander:
Beware the red spines
Peter:
Oh no, Zack!!!
Peter:
Stealing the old lady’s ticket!
Peter:
Oh, no he’s not.
Peter:
What a twist!
Peter:
Okay, female part of ship-couple is Sharon.
Peter:
The guy is…Leo?
Peter:
Pio?
Peter:
I’m going to call him Leo.
Peter:
Because, y’know, Titanic.
Xander:
Pio Dicaprica
Gavin:
His name is HELO. Like “Hello”, but not. He’s the guy that spends the first round off-ship in the board game, and now you know why!
Peter:
Also I really think the old lady is a terrible choice.
Peter:
Remember the logic you used to pick the children?
Peter:
That was good logic.
Peter:
Why on earth would you then allow an old lady to join the boat?
Gavin:
You are really enjoying saying ‘boat’.
Peter:
Also: ‘birds’!
Peter:
When I know with absolute certainty the outcome of a situation, I often have trouble caring while watching it.
Peter:
People on the Battlestar are panicking and I’m just like “Yeah I’m pretty sure that the ship that the SHOW IS NAMED AFTER is going to survive.”
Peter:
The drama of “hey most of you are going to die let’s save the old lady” is much more interesting
Peter:
(if also a little frustrating.)
Peter:
I think dying-lady is officially about to actually become President.
Gavin:
Yep, someone who knows they are doomed to die should definitely be put in charge of the lives of many other people.
Xander:
They’re strong believers in a two term limit
Peter:
When Zack saw his Cylon ex-lover lady in the crowd, I seriously thought that she was there.
Peter:
I wanted to watch THAT group of survivors, as she…I dunno, systematically bites their heads off one by one.
Peter:
(I don’t really know what Cylons do yet.)
Peter:
(Other than have red-spine sex.)
Gavin:
Do they need to do anything else?
Peter:
The president is repeating the oath incorrectly!
Peter:
It’s “take”, not “accept”!
Peter:
CYLON!!
Peter:
Wait, who is this dead guy they just found on the ship?
Peter:
Ahhh.
Peter:
Different ship.
Peter:
I got Cute Mechanic confused with Sharon.
Peter:
I like Olmos, but currently the battlestar “Galactica” is the most boring part of Battlestar Galactica.
Peter:
Unless McGee starts punching more people.
Peter:
Oh cool!
Peter:
Okay, they’re hyper light jumping.
Peter:
I know that from the board game!
Peter:
If they can do that like 3, 4 more times, they win!
Peter:
The fleet that you’re taking command of looks like a garbage truck, a small ship, and the Hindenburg.
Peter:
Good luck, Olmos.
Xander:
With the Hindenburg on your side, what could go wrong?
Xander:
‘Oh the humanity’
Peter:
Captain Apollo!
Peter:
He’s a character in the game!
Peter:
Haha spaceships and AI that will kill you…and they’re still using corded headphones.
Peter:
That’s adorable.
Peter:
Oh man, Olmos and President are clashing heads already.
Peter:
I suspect this will be a regular source of conflict in the series!
Peter:
So far, looks like Olmos knew what he was talking about.
Peter:
Olmos 1, President 0.
Peter:
Does a big ship like this have a pilot?
Peter:
Or is everyone in that room a pilot?
Peter:
Like…a group pilot?
Xander:
The ship is a Jaeger
Peter:
Zack keeps hallucinating his Cylon lady.
Peter:
It’s very confusing. I keep thinking she’s there, in different ways:
Peter:
That time, I thought she was disguised as the old lady.
Peter:
I feel like having someone manually do the countdown is stupid.
Peter:
A computer would be much more accurate, surely.
Peter:
Oh but then it could be a Cylon!
Peter:
Although I guess the human could be a Cylon.
Peter:
If you had to pick someone on your ship to be a Cylon, the countdown guy would be a good choice.
Peter:
How much can he really do?
Peter:
‘10…9…7! Ha! Gotcha! You all dead now.’
Peter:
So much of the ludicrously out-dated technology can just be hand waved with “yeah because if it’s more modern than CYLONS!”
Peter:
But seriously, transparent printed star maps??
Xander:
‘Fax me some morse code, stat!’
Peter:
“Did it work?”
Peter:
“I don’t know.”
Peter:
Of course he doesn’t know!
Peter:
He did it and then you just found he was unconscious!
Peter:
How the hell would he know?
Peter:
Unless…he’s a Cylon??
Peter:
(I really want people to start being Cylons.)
Gavin:
People will become Cylons, Peter!
Xander:
Grow some patience.
Peter:
The “star jump” cinematography was pretty cool.
Peter:
I mean it’s a simple technique, but the way they used it was quite effective.
Peter:
Most shows have a distinct point that really “grabs” me.
Peter:
This one hasn’t grabbed me yet, but I’ll let you know when it does.
Gavin:
By the short and curlies.
Peter:
I am still so annoyed at their choice to bring the old lady along.
Peter:
She had better come in handy.
Peter:
Or be a Cylon.
Peter:
Hell, I’ll give anyone Most Likeable if they turn out to be a Cylon.
Peter:
President: “No, don’t worry about it – I wouldn’t remember me either.”
Peter:
Heeheehee.
Peter:
This crazy man with a gun looks like a Cylon to me.
Peter:
Please.
Peter:
Please be a Cylon.
Peter:
Man what if Cylons could self-destruct when they’re caught.
Peter:
That would be cool.
Peter:
So far:
Peter:
Talking to your own hallucinations is only really effective when you’re House.
Peter:
For everyone else it just leads to trouble.
Peter:
Some idiot dropped a bomb!
Peter:
Then there was a long pause, so I’m going to call that end of the episode.
Peter:
Clumsy idiot…or CYLON?
Peter:
Find out next episode!
Peter:
(Prediction: not a Cylon.)
Peter:
Most Likeable is going to the President, for joking about how forgettable she is.
Peter:
That endeared her to me.
Peter:
Least Likeable is definitely going to the Old Lady.
Peter:
Most Intriguing can go to Zack, just because I like him and have already given away Most Likeable.
Peter:
[[Miniseries, Chunk 3]]
Peter:
Okay, let’s go!
Peter:
This creepy sweaty guy is probably a Cylon.
Peter:
Or he knows that Commander Armada is a Cylon.
Peter:
Wouldn’t it be amazing if they were both Cylons?
Peter:
Oh cool.
Peter:
The President is in the Garden of Eden.
Xander:
Religious references?
Xander:
In Battlestar Galactica?
Xander:
Whaaaa
Peter:
She’s with a small child who is playing with a doll.
Peter:
“Cami”.
Peter:
Probably a Cylon.
Peter:
The small child, not the doll.
Peter:
The small child AND the doll.
Gavin:
When they finally reveal that everyone was a Cylon all along, you are going to be so disappointed/excited.
Peter:
I love how they call the President sir.
Peter:
Regardless of gender
Peter:
Olmos and the President are the only two who I’m confident are NOT Cylons.
Peter:
If I recall correctly, one of the cards from the board game (which I also haven’t played again since I last did this) showed a miniseries Cylon on it.
Peter:
I don’t know why this is coming back to me so strongly now, but I feel like it was the greasy guy.
Peter:
It was someone with a weird, sharklike face.
Peter:
It’s such a specific memory.
Peter:
I’ll look like an idiot if I’m wrong.
Xander:
Sharky! You haven’t met him yet
Xander:
Or the eel-ship
Xander:
Fighting against the Deep Sea Squids
Peter:
Sea?
Xander:
Space.
Xander:
Deep Space Squids.
Peter:
Why is the President’s assistant so young?
Peter:
“Is there something you wanted to say to me?”
Peter:
‘I’M A CYLON!’
Peter:
Oh no!
Peter:
Little girl’s ship can’t make the jump.
Peter:
Any time a kid is shown on TV, it’s generally so that we can hate them or to make us feel all the feelings.
Peter:
(I am currently feeling the feelings)
Peter:
(All of them.)
Peter:
This pilot who was hanging out with the President is pretty ruthless. He’s a cool character.
Peter:
Oh no!
Peter:
Cylons are approaching!
Peter:
Fuuuuuck.
Peter:
Damn it, I want to know more about the Cylons.
Peter:
Stop taunting me with pictures of little girls who are going to die, and show me more about the evil robots.
Peter:
Do they need food, and air?
Peter:
Can they impersonate death?
Xander:
With a robe and a scythe, anyone can impersonate death.
Peter:
“Maybe the Cylons are God’s retribution for his mistake. What if God decided he made a mistake, and decided to give souls to another creature instead?”
Peter:
God works in mysterious and ridiculous ways.
Peter:
Oh cool, bald alcoholic is back!
Peter:
Colonel something.
Peter:
Colonel “rude to the President”, apparently.
Peter:
Colonel Insubordination.
Peter:
Gavin: … It’s “Tigh”
Peter:
“I’ll do it, but only because I know your father.”
Peter:
Yeah I don’t like this guy.
Peter:
He’s almost certainly a Cylon.
Peter:
Other than Olmos, who I know from Dexter, I don’t think I’ve recognized a single actor on this show.
Peter:
Oooh!
Peter:
Asian Lady-Pilot is macking on…I don’t actually know who that guy is.
Peter:
I don’t really know who anyone is except the President, Olmos, her young aide, and Punchy McGee
Peter:
Who we haven’t seen for ages.
Gavin:
Kara Thrace
Gavin:
She used to date generic-white-guy-pilot’s brother, until the brother died.
Peter:
And then they stopped dating?
Gavin:
Yes, Peter.
Peter:
Oh, and I remember Zack!
Peter:
I like Zack.
Gavin:
GAIU-…you know what, it’s not even worth it.
Peter:
Yeah, Sweaty Guy is definitely a Cylon!
Peter:
Woo hoo!
Peter:
And it sounds like Olmos has a way to kill all the Cylons!
Peter:
This whole season will be over before it even starts.
Peter:
Unless this is a Roger Rabbit kind of thing, and the only guy who knows how to kill Cylons IS a Cylon.
Xander:
The entire series is about Cylon Olmos’s elaborate plan to build a freeway.
Xander:
And he would have gotten away with it too
Xander:
if it weren’t for that meddling Arthur Dent
Peter:
“I can feel more than you can ever conceive.”
Peter:
Man, Cylons really are better than humans.
Peter:
Go God!
Peter:
Apparently the Cylon consciousness can only transfer when the body dies…what poor design.
Peter:
Oh, Olmos called him out on it.
Peter:
Go Olmos!
Peter:
Right now these two characters are head and head for Most Likeable.
Peter:
Oh no!
Peter:
Now they’re fighting to the death!
Peter:
I would express a desire for both to win, but I know Olmos lives for quite a lot of the show’s run.
Peter:
Do Cylons have super-human strength?
Peter:
Because that seems like something that it would be REALLY easy to test for.
Peter:
Bashed to death by Olmos.
Peter:
What a way to go.
Peter:
I’m fairly confident that Zack isn’t a Cylon.
Peter:
I mean it would be really weird if he was.
Peter:
What with the Cylon, y’know, revealing herself to him and him being so shocked.
Peter:
I’ve seen so much Hustle though…it’s ensured that I never trust what TV shows me.
Peter:
I hate to tell you this, hallucination of Zack’s girlfriend, but yeah…I don’t think you’ve got a future together.
Peter:
Man, if you had to hallucinate someone, you’d want to make sure to give them great cleavage like that, wouldn’t you?
Peter:
“There’s another Cylon aboard this ship.”
Peter:
Awwww yisss
Peter:
I mean I’m aware that’s one of the major concepts of the show, but I’m still excited!
Peter:
Zack’s ex-girlfriend hallucinations has a great soundtrack.
Peter:
Oh shiiit what a great place to put a bomb.
Peter:
Right in the middle of the bridge
Peter:
Wicked cool
Peter:
“Oh really? How do you know what a Cylon device looks like?”
Peter:
‘Umm…because I’m a technology expert?’
Xander:
‘You know who else are technology experts?’
Xander:
‘CYLONS’
Peter:
And now Zack’s hallucination is propositioning him for sex, and making out with him.
Peter:
Haha, that’s hilarious.
Peter:
I am just really struggling to imagine why they don’t have basic “Are you a Cylon?” tests. Especially if they have freaking silicon in their brains.
Peter:
Surely you can test for that!
Peter:
“I don’t remember seeing him at any of the Cylon parties…” is a great line.
Peter:
“They could be anywhere…any ONE!”
Peter:
Least likely to be a Cylon: Olmos, The President, Echo, Zack.
Peter:
Most likely to be a Cylon: Bald alcoholic, sweaty guy, Zack’s ex-girlfriend.
Peter:
Ohhhhh!
Peter:
That’s Olmos’s son!
Peter:
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that Olmos’s son is not a Cylon.
Peter:
If you have some way of melting a Cylon’s silicon brain, put every human through that system!
Peter:
PROBLEM: SOLVED
Peter:
“At a first glance, everything looks human.”
Peter:
In that case, maybe take a second glance?
Peter:
If you really feel like being thorough, even a third?
Peter:
“Zack failed basic flight.”
Gavin:
Zak’s the brother.
Peter:
I’m so freaking glad he explained that, because I forgot that the character I call Zack isn’t really called Zack.
Peter:
Now there are two Zacks.
Peter:
Way to be confusing, show.
Gavin:
Peter you need a better system for names.
Gavin:
Maybe “using the correct name once you know it”?
Peter:
Oh no!
Peter:
Zack (fake Zack, not real Zack) is setting someone up for a fall.
Peter:
That won’t look suspicious at all.
Peter:
Disclaimer: it WILL look suspicious!
Peter:
I was using sarcasm!
Peter:
Ugh, Zack. I’ve gone right off you.
Peter:
You’re getting Least Likeable this episode.
Peter:
Knob-end.
Peter:
I know he’s doing it for a good cause, but fucking hell, Zack.
Peter:
You’re a lying…frak.
Peter:
“Frakking lying”: great phrase.
Peter:
I have suddenly warmed to “Frak” as an curse.
Peter:
Bald alcoholic, I’m warming to you.
Peter:
You’re doing all the things I would do if I had access to the information you’ve got access to.
Peter:
Currently,
Peter:
Most Likeable: Olmos.
Peter:
Least Likeable: Zack.
Peter:
Most Intriguing: Bald alcoholic.
Gavin:
Literally none of those are the actual character’s names.
Gavin:
Maybe one, depending on which Zack you’re talking about.
Peter:
Oh shiiiit!
Peter:
They’ve found one of the star thingies that I remember from the game!
Peter:
I sure hope she rolls a bunch of sixes.
Peter:
“He’s got prisoners under heavy guard in his cargo hold. He wants to know what to do with them.”
Peter:
I won’t lie, “dump them into space” was the first thing that popped into my head.
Gavin:
Aaaaand this is why you don’t have any friends.
Xander:
Because he dumped them into space?
Peter:
It’s so sad that the Cylons want the humans totally dead.
Peter:
Couldn’t they just keep them as pets or something?
Peter:
Olmos/President scenes are my favorites.
Peter:
That, and any scene with a (non-hallucination) Cylon.
Peter:
I am also warming to Apollo
Peter:
Or, as I shall call him (mainly to annoy Gavin), “Dr Sungod”
Gavin:
Jesus Christ.
Peter:
Oh man, the President rocks.
Peter:
“Let’s get out of here and make babies.”
Peter:
That, I should clarify, was a suggestion for the species, not just her overtly flirting with Olmos.
Peter:
I also agree with her.
Peter:
It’s the Ellimist strategy – get to as many planets as you can, have as many babies as you can.
Peter:
It results in the survival of the species.
Peter:
You can lose a battle.
Peter:
Even if you lose 99% of the time, with the “propagate the species” plan, you still survive.
Xander:
Like in Speaker for The Dead
Peter:
Olmos listening to the President even further consolidates his position as Most Likeable this episode.
Peter:
All the big macho men are like “We can’t run! MURICA!”
Gavin:
Technically they’re not Americans
Xander:
Most Cylons don’t even have a nationality
Xander:
Some of them are Norwegian though
Xander:
Once they’re all found out, the game of “Guess the Norwegians” begins
Peter:
These are some stupid people.
Peter:
Olmos rocks.
Peter:
Seriously…you’re one fucking ship.
Peter:
You think you can take on EVERY Cylon ship that they’ve created over the last however-many-years-they’ve-been-gone?
Peter:
Oh fuuuck.
Peter:
The guy Zack pretended was a Cylon is being dumped into space
Peter:
Screw you, Zack!
Peter:
Haha wouldn’t it be amazing if he correctly managed to guess the only Cylon on the ship?
Peter:
And the rest of the series was just everyone going “Yay, we’re safe!”
Peter:
It would be a truly terrible narrative, but it would make me giggle.
Peter:
And surely that’s worth shanghaiing the entire rest of the show.
Peter:
Characters I am reasonably sure survive for at least the first season:
Peter:
Dr Sungod,
Peter:
Starbuck,
Peter:
Olmos,
Peter:
President,
Peter:
Helo.
Peter:
When Olmos says jump, there should be a big red button they can slam.
Peter:
Holly Hop Drive style.
Peter:
This is really making me want to play the board game again.
Peter:
I’m pretty sure you need at least 5 or 6 players though.
Xander:
And you dumped most of your friends into space.
Peter:
I can’t believe they left the guy that Zack betrayed behind.
Peter:
Cold, Zack. Cold.
Peter:
Whaaaaat. Earth is the 13th colony?
Peter:
I’m confused.
Peter:
Are we…how does this work?
Peter:
It feels like they’re saying “13 colonies were made, none of whom knew that they were colonies.”
Peter:
Like humans were seeded.
Peter:
But that doesn’t quite make sense.
Peter:
Haha, Starbuck is being so rebellious.
Peter:
She’s pretty cool.
Peter:
I mean, terrible at respecting rank
Peter:
But a fun character to watch on a TV series.
Peter:
Admitting he was wrong?
Peter:
Olmos just keeps getting cooler.
Peter:
Bald alcoholic also admitted he was wrong, but in a less cool way.
Xander:
There weren’t even any gnarly kick-flips
Peter:
Oh good.
Peter:
Olmos was lying about Earth existing
Xander:
I guess we’re all fictional
Xander:
how about that
Peter:
“If we’re going to survive, we need a bigger government!”
Peter:
Yup, she’s a politician.
Peter:
I mean, she’s probably right…I just feel like every profession would immediately say that.
Peter:
‘If we’re going to survive, we need members of Monty Python!’ -John Cleese.
Peter:
“Some Cylons may not know they’re Cylons at all.”
Peter:
That’s super cool
Peter:
And really explains one of the board game’s mechanics.
Peter:
Oh man what if Zack is a sleeper agent!
Peter:
Or Olmos!
Peter:
Or the President!
Peter:
Aaah!!! That changes everything!
Peter:
What an awesome idea!
Peter:
Can a Cylon become an alcoholic?
Peter:
Oh god I don’t know who’s real and who’s not!
Peter:
Man, if Earth DOES exist, and they make it there, Starbuck is going to be so confused when she comes across the coffee chain.
Peter:
“There are only 12 Cylon models.”
Peter:
How interesting!
Peter:
No idea what it means, or who left the note
Gavin:
That is important information.
Peter:
Haha those robot Cylons look so shit.
Peter:
Did I give them Best CGI last time?
Peter:
I’m reversing that decision for this episode.
Peter:
Oh wow! Multiple Cylons with the same face!! So cool!
Peter:
ZACK’S RANDOM ACCUSATION WAS A CYLON!
Peter:
Awesome!!!
Peter:
Aaaahhhhh!
Peter:
OMG ASIAN GIRL IS A CYLON.
Peter:
Okay that was freaking awesome.
Peter:
To recap:
Peter:
Most Likeable: Olmos.
Peter:
Least Likeable: Zack. (even though he was totally right, it was by fluke and he’s still a dick.)
Peter:
Most Intriguing: ASIAN CYLON GIRL.
Peter:
Worst CGI: RoboCylons.
Peter:
Best CGI: Duplicate Cylons.
Peter:
Oh man if I didn’t have to go to bed I’d totally watch more.
Peter:
That reveal was amazing!
[[Tallies so far:
]]
[[Tallies so far:
Most Likeable: Tied on 1: Zack, President, Olmos
[[Tallies so far:
Least Likeable: Tied on 1: Starbuck, Old Lady, Zack.
[[Tallies so far:
Most Intriguing: Tied on 1: Zack’s Ex-Girlfriend, Zack, Boomer
[[Tallies so far:
Best CGI: Duplicate Cylons, Robo-Cylons
[[Tallies so far:
Worst CGI: Robo-Cylons.