Game of Thrones, Season 1: Episodes 7-8

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In June/July 2014 (four years late to the party) Elizabeth finally watched through Game of Thrones. Aware of her squeamishness, her brother Xander (who’s seen the show) and friend Anne (who’s also read the books) thought it might be amusing to see her reactions as she watched. This is the transcript of that experience: it contains many spoilers and not much coping.
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game of thrones
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[[Episode 7]]
Elizabeth:
Time to see if Viserys lives!
Elizabeth:
Ugh, stop gutting that deer, I am eating
Elizabeth:
Although I am enjoying how you are happy to point out how Jaimie is stupid, new character
Elizabeth:
Skinning a deer is gross
Anne:
I love that scene
Anne:
All hail Charles Dance
Elizabeth:
Ohh, Jaime fathered Joffrey hence why him being blonde was significant to previous hand
Anne:
Yes yes
Anne:
Now you’re catching on!
Elizabeth:
Also: sharing a womb does not mean sleeping together as adults is cool
Elizabeth:
Even if the Targareans did it first
Xander:
I’m impressed at how you have never spelt Targaryian the same way twice
Xander:
I don’t think I have either
Elizabeth:
Haha, Baelish, you have the weirdest job
Elizabeth:
“What we don’t know is usually what gets us killed”
Elizabeth:
I feel this is only true in a small minority of cases
Elizabeth:
Although I guess they didn’t have X-ray machines
Elizabeth:
Or whatever you use to detect cancer and heart problems
Xander:
C-ray machines?
Elizabeth:
It is almost definitely C-ray machines
Elizabeth:
Haha, “I thought she was our prisoner, not our guest.”
Elizabeth:
“Are the two any different in your experience?”
Elizabeth:
BURN, THEON
Elizabeth:
So Robert appears gravely injured
Elizabeth:
Dude, looks like Papa Stark might get to be king for a bit
Xander:
King Stark you say?
Elizabeth:
Robert, I would have thought some witnesses might have been a good idea
Elizabeth:
Speaking as your lawyer, that is
Eizabeth:
Hang on, is Baelish Robert’s little brother?
Xander:
no
Elizabeth:
Okay, they just seemed to suggest so
Xander:
His brother is Loras’ lover
Anne:
The king’s brother is Loras’s lover
Anne:
Not Baelish’s brother
Elizabeth:
Is his brother on the council?
Elizabeth:
Wait, his brother was being shaved?!
Anne:
Yes, Prince Renly
Elizabeth:
Right
Elizabeth:
I see
Anne:
Baelish is an only child as far as I know
Elizabeth:
Dude, send more birds
Elizabeth:
Dany doesn’t need to be killed
Xander:
She needs to be filled!
Xander:
With wine!
Elizabeth:
I suspect that wine is poison
Elizabeth:
Thank goodness for slaver friend
Xander:
I retract my earlier comments.
Elizabeth:
Hehe, Sam, you are such a sweetie
Anne:
Is slaver friend Jorah Mormont?
Elizabeth:
Dany’s slaver friend
Anne:
Rugged older man?
Elizabeth:
That’s the chap
Xander:
Jorah Mormant
Elizabeth:
I like how the wall watch people are considerate of people’s religion
Elizabeth:
Jon to the stewards? Whaaaat
Elizabeth:
(Did Sam get steward also?)
Elizabeth:
(There was a lot of names)
Anne:
I think so yeah
Anne:
He’s Samwell Tarly if that helps
Elizabeth:
Right right
Elizabeth:
One-eyed-Joe sounds pretty cool
Elizabeth:
Pip just told Jon about his role
Elizabeth:
And now Sam is giving him a pep talk
Xander:
Sam and Pepper
Elizabeth:
Pepper? Not pip?
Anne:
It is Pip
Elizabeth:
But Salt, not Sam?
Anne:
No, Sam
Anne:
Part of me wants to enable Xander’s jokes but most of me know you will just be SO confused later
Elizabeth:
Haha
Elizabeth:
You are such a beginner at watching shows, Anne
Elizabeth:
“I always wanted to be a ranger”
Elizabeth:
“I always wanted to be a wizard”
Elizabeth:
Both good career choices I understand
Elizabeth:
Reny seems cool
Elizabeth:
I would vote for him as king
Elizabeth:
I’m still not totally sure if Robert is actually going to die
Xander:
He is actually going to fly though
Xander:
Once Da Vinci joins the show, everyone gets a flying machine
Elizabeth:
I totally need to get a wax seal
Elizabeth:
“What you suggest is treason”
Elizabeth:
“Only if we lose”
Elizabeth:
I always wondered how treason works.
Elizabeth:
“We only make peace with our enemies, that’s why it is called making peace”
Elizabeth:
Baelish continues to be cool
Elizabeth:
Why don’t we carry around fire sticks?
Xander:
You don’t?
Xander:
geez lady
Elizabeth:
I am so embarrassed right now
Elizabeth:
That tree appears to be crying
Xander:
I think the crying trees are the symbol of The Old Gods
Elizabeth:
Or they are just sad!
Elizabeth:
Puppy!
Elizabeth:
EWW
Elizabeth:
BAD PUPPY
Elizabeth:
DO NOT BRING SEVERED HANDS
Xander:
WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE, PUPPY?
Xander:
I ALREADY HAVE HANDS
Xander:
I HAVE NO ROOM FOR MORE HANDS
Elizabeth:
Mr Dany seems pretty taken with Dany
Elizabeth:
Tiger-Annes!
Anne:
Tiger-Annes?
Elizabeth:
Tiger-Annes: Dany and Viserys (RIP)
Elizabeth:
This inspirational speech was better before the raping of women and taking children as slaves
Elizabeth:
So that dude seems to be naked and dragged behind the horse lords
Xander:
We must all pay penance to our hooven masters
Elizabeth:
ROBERT DIED
Elizabeth:
That answers that question
Elizabeth:
So Joffrey appears to be king
Elizabeth:
And Ceirsai (Queenie face) has a pretty rockin’ hairstyle going on
Xander:
Joffrey being king does not mean he is married to the aptly named Queenie-face though
Xander:
Despite what the show might suggest about familial relationships
Elizabeth:
Ugh, told you you should have make that declaration in front of people
Elizabeth:
And stop stabbing people!
Elizabeth:
Baelish had better be all betraying ’cause he loves Detective Stark, otherwise I am confused by his motives
Elizabeth:
EPISODE END
Xander:
Next episode?
Elizabeth:
OKAY
Xander:
yay!
Elizabeth:
I have also fetched my book which has an appendix for the different houses
Elizabeth:
I MAY FINALLY SPELL SOMETHING CORRECTLY
Elizabeth:
[[Episode 8]]
Elizabeth:
I don’t know why seeing “king’s land” on a map amused me so
Elizabeth:
I am literally sitting here in Queensland
Xander:
It’s Kings Landing
Xander:
It’s the city where Ned and Co are
Elizabeth:
Well that is just silly
Elizabeth:
What a silly name
Anne:
The king landed there
Elizabeth:
I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense
Xander:
It’s where the Targarians started their invasion 300 years prior to the series
Elizabeth:
That guy was not expecting to be stabbed
Elizabeth:
Targaryen
Xander:
Targararan
Anne:
That looks like a good spelling
Elizabeth:
Tiger-Anne
Xander:
ooooh
Xander:
I get it now
Elizabeth:
Arya is pretty annoyed that her dance instructor lied to her
Elizabeth:
Arya, you are better off not going with them
Elizabeth:
Haha, he is totes going to take them all on with a wooden sword
Elizabeth:
Or not
Elizabeth:
DON’T KILL HIM
Xander:
Don’t be a fool! Dance away! Use your funky skills!
Elizabeth:
Succession is a complicated and dangerous business, apparently
Elizabeth:
Who knew?
Elizabeth:
Woah, Arya just stabbed someone
Elizabeth:
She will have the best first kill story
Xander:
First that we KNOW OF
Elizabeth:
Robin continues to be creepy
Anne:
Eugh
Anne:
Robin
Elizabeth:
“If I’m going to die, may as well do it with a song in my heart”
Elizabeth:
I love Tyrion
Elizabeth:
“Though I would treasure your friendship, I’m mainly interested in your facility with murder”
Elizabeth:
“I like living”
Xander:
Everybody loves Tyrion
Elizabeth:
Everything he says is pure gold
Xander:
He is Peter Dinklage
Elizabeth:
I know! He’s the best!
Elizabeth:
“Take the halfman, he can dance for the children”
Elizabeth:
Jon! Don’t try to kill people just because they make you cross!
Elizabeth:
Puppy!
Elizabeth:
Keeping those dogs was a good plan
Elizabeth:
“dogs”
Elizabeth:
/dire wolf cubs
Elizabeth:
That guy seems to be impervious to stabbing
Elizabeth:
Well this is not good
Xander:
I mean, it’s pretty good for him
Elizabeth:
Dany seems to be learning that reclaiming a throne is a bloody business
Elizabeth:
Dany I am not sure how well your plan will go
Xander:
What is her plan?
Elizabeth:
Taking all the women who were to be ‘mounted’
Elizabeth:
Well, that went not too badly, all things considered
Xander:
What happened?
Elizabeth:
The guy who Dany stopped from raping a girl went to complain to Mr Dany, and he was like, “let’s hear this all out” and Dany said her bit and argued, and Mr Dany was like, “my son inside her makes her grow fierce” and then they guy challenged Mr Dany, and he killed the guy and ripped out his tongue
Elizabeth:
And said Dany can keep her women slaves
Xander:
That scene was totally radical
Elizabeth:
It was rather
Elizabeth:
A Stark puppy saves the day again
Elizabeth:
That guy is surprisingly chipper giving he just lost too fingers
Xander:
*two
Xander:
GEEZ ELIZABETH
Elizabeth:
It’s Bran’s turn to be Lord of Winterfell
Elizabeth:
*its Brans tyrn too bee Lard on Summerrise
Elizabeth:
BETTER?
Xander:
WELSH IS ALWAYS BETTER
Elizabeth:
Wylsh ys ylwyys byttyr
Xander:
yts Bryns tyrn tyy by lyrd yn symmyrysy
Elizabeth:
BYBY STYRK!
Elizabeth:
Oh Hodor
Elizabeth:
So naked
Xander:
Naked Hodor!
Xander:
Best Hodor!
Elizabeth:
Look at Sam, all full of knowledge
Elizabeth:
It suits him being the smart one
Anne:
Yay Sam!
Elizabeth:
Is Theon’s last name Greylord?
Xander:
Greyjoy
Xander:
Theon “Thaddeus” Greyjoy
Elizabeth:
In which case all previous messages referring to him as “probably-Theon” can just be swapped to Theon
Xander:
And any just referring to Theon can be swapped to… I dunno
Xander:
Mickey Mouse
Anne:
That would be a very different show.
Elizabeth:
Robb, losing does not sound an appealing prospect
Elizabeth:
I like all the people that Detective Stark just mentioned would be killed if you lost
Elizabeth:
Heh, I like Shaggar
Elizabeth:
And the whole hill tribe
Elizabeth:
“The rumours of your demise were unfounded”
Elizabeth:
GOSH PAPA LANNISTER NO NEED TO GUSH
Anne:
Haha
Anne:
He’s a regular teddy bear
Elizabeth:
It’s almost embarrassing
Elizabeth:
Yeah, Tyrion, I was surprised that Robert died too
Elizabeth:
N’aww, “the little lion”
Xander:
?
Elizabeth:
That is the best nickname for Tyrion
Xander:
ah right
Xander:
Yay Tyrion!
Elizabeth:
He is the best
Elizabeth:
Like, I am generally on the side of the Starks in Stark v. Lannister, but I also love Tyrion
Anne:
Welcome to the emotional roller coaster that is Game of Thrones
Elizabeth:
Who is Lord Tywin?
Xander:
Papa Lannister!
Xander:
Tywin, father of Tyrion, Ceirsie, Jaimie, and Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Show
Elizabeth:
Haha
Elizabeth:
Making sulky brat king was a bad plan
Elizabeth:
Dude, you were just given an early retirement, enjoy it, don’t take it so personally
Elizabeth:
Milk of the poppy! PAPA STARK WAS A DRUGGIE
Elizabeth:
Well look at that, Sansa’s getting things done
Xander:
Sansa T. P. Stark
Xander:
(The P stands for productive)
Xander:
(The T stands for Tyrannosaurus Rex)
Elizabeth:
Episode end
Anne:
Next!
Elizabeth:
…but bed time
Xander:
But Game of Thrones!
Elizabeth:
But Game of Sleep!
Anne:
But next!
Anne:
It’s half nine woman, you’re on holiday
Xander:
I am staying up late
Xander:
therefore you should also!
Anne:
I went to bed at half nine for two days, it was because I was emotionally fragile. ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE??
Elizabeth:
AM I EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE?!
Anne:
NO! So you don’t need half nine bedtime babes
Elizabeth:
DO YOU NOT RECALL POOR VISERYS BEING UNFAIRLY MURDERED AFTER BEING PROMISED A PROPER CROWN NOT A CROWN OF DEATH?
Anne:
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER
Elizabeth:
Well, I’ve been doing a nice two-a-night thing, which means I can finish off the first season tomorrow night
Anne:
Or you could finish it tonight
Anne:
Just saying

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