Game of Thrones, Season 1: Episodes 9-10

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In June/July 2014 (four years late to the party) Elizabeth finally watched through Game of Thrones. Aware of her squeamishness, her brother Xander (who’s seen the show) and friend Anne (who’s also read the books) thought it might be amusing to see her reactions as she watched. This is the transcript of that experience: it contains many spoilers and not much coping.
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game of thrones
Elizabeth:
Hey guys!
Xander:
gee whiz
Xander:
feels like something normally goes down this time of night
Elizabeth:
A pot of tea has appeared just as a video file opened
Elizabeth:
Most suspicious
Elizabeth:
Let’s do this
Elizabeth:
[[Episode 9]]
Elizabeth:
Papa Stark it is cool you are honourable and all, but it is also cool that you are alive
Elizabeth:
Dude, don’t shoot the raven
Elizabeth:
All of the ravens?
Elizabeth:
So much raven shooting
Elizabeth:
It is like low tech hacking
Elizabeth:
Filch?!
Xander:
Filch!!
Elizabeth:
He seems to have a servant girl solely for a place to rest his hand
Elizabeth:
Possibly a wife
Xander:
Possibly a daughter! He has heaps of those
Elizabeth:
Haha, he has a problem of too many children
Elizabeth:
He was resting his hand on her bottom and Detective Stark said something about having children with her
Xander:
Well, this IS Game of Thrones…
Elizabeth:
Jon was just given a super nice sword!
Elizabeth:
This guy is so nice! Giving Jon a sword and sending away the guy who was baiting him
Elizabeth:
Everyone is being nice to Jon! It is the best!
Xander:
Yay!
Xander:
Everyone in this show is so nice!
Xander:
Except for Tyrion and Arya
Xander:
Who we hate
Elizabeth:
Sam! Don’t bring this love fest down!
Elizabeth:
Detective Stark! Don’t marry Arya off!
Elizabeth:
You can marry Robb off if you must
Anne:
To me
Elizabeth:
“What is honour compared to the love of a woman? What is duty compared to the feel of a newborn son in your arms?”
Elizabeth:
This guy is wasted on the wall
Xander:
Totally smashed
Anne:
His talents are wasted
Xander:
His talents are totally smashed
Elizabeth:
Ooh, this guy is related to the mad king
Elizabeth:
A Tiger-Anne!
Xander:
I think he was in direct line for the throne and opted out by going to the wall instead
Elizabeth:
Yeah, he was
Anne:
Back in the days when going to the wall was a noble calling and not a refuge for bastards, criminals and unwanted children
Elizabeth:
Dany’s getting fat and Mr Dany just fell off a horse
Elizabeth:
Things are not going well since they killed Viserys
Elizabeth:
I hope Mr Dany is okay
Elizabeth:
Haha, Tyrion is recounting the hijinks of Shaggar and co.
Elizabeth:
Tyrion’s champion seems nice enough, I guess? Bringing him a pretty prostitute
Elizabeth:
Hehe, I like this girl
Elizabeth:
Drogo, please don’t die
Elizabeth:
Why does everyone has to die in this show?
Anne:
Because Grr Martin had a LOT of characters
Anne:
Also because we aren’t allowed nice things
Elizabeth:
He wasn’t even that nice, can’t he stay?
Elizabeth:
Dany just got herself a taste of power and now she’s going to lose it
Elizabeth:
Magic??
Elizabeth:
Yes? I am listening!
Xander:
‘I will trade your horses for these magic beans’
Elizabeth:
Why do they have to kill so many horses?
Elizabeth:
That’s a lot of blood
Elizabeth:
Poor horse
Xander:
‘This is not really trading. This is just horse murder’
Elizabeth:
Those curvy swords are scary looking things
Elizabeth:
Jorah seems to have just killed a guy and Dany’s in labour, no biggie
Elizabeth:
The blood magic ritual was getting pretty boring anyway
Elizabeth:
This show really needed more drama
Xander:
And really, less magic beans
Elizabeth:
Tyrion and cool lady and champion are having a fun night in.
Elizabeth:
Drinking games
Elizabeth:
Tyrion was married!
Elizabeth:
Jaimie organised the whole thing
Elizabeth:
“If I die, weep for me.”
Elizabeth:
“You’ll be dead, how will you know?”
Elizabeth:
Oh Shae, do not underestimate Tyrion. That kind of awesome isn’t so easily defeated.
Elizabeth:
So Tyrion got knocked out by his own soldiers before he even got close to the battle
Elizabeth:
Good job, mate
Xander:
‘I was unconscious for juuust long enough that the producers didn’t have to spend any money on a kick-ass fight scene’
Xander:
‘Dang, yo’
Elizabeth:
Are the Lannisters fighting the Starks?
Elizabeth:
Yes, they are
Elizabeth:
Why do they have to fight?
Elizabeth:
Why can’t they fight characters I haven’t met or can consider wholly evil?
Elizabeth:
At least Robb managed to take Jaime captive
Anne:
He took my heart captive…
Anne:
*swoons*
Elizabeth:
Poor Robb
Elizabeth:
Anne, cuddle your betrothed!
Anne:
He looks nice to hug
Elizabeth:
Wait, the Starks say they won, the Lannisters say they won, I am so confused
Elizabeth:
Did Arya just snap the neck of the pigeon?
Elizabeth:
She is now actually a beggar, but still not a boy
Elizabeth:
Arya, you just killed that pigeon, don’t just dump it in the street that is wasteful!
Xander:
She was raised in Winterfell
Xander:
They have so many pigeons it’s considered rude NOT to kill them and dump their bodies where they fall
Elizabeth:
Wait, wait, they aren’t killing Papa Stark are they?!
Elizabeth:
No, Sansa looks pleased
Elizabeth:
And she is not a psychopath
Elizabeth:
Damn Queenie, good hair
Elizabeth:
Good throne
Elizabeth:
*good crown
Elizabeth:
Joffrey!
Elizabeth:
No!
Elizabeth:
DON’T LOOK SO PLEASED JOFFREY
Elizabeth:
STOP STOP STOP
Elizabeth:
NO NO NO NO NO
Elizabeth:
NO STOP NO STOPP
Elizabeth:
WHAT WHAT WHAT
Elizabeth:
WHY
Elizabeth:
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND
Elizabeth:
WHERE WAS THE LAST MINUTE RESCUE
Elizabeth:
THEY DID THE SHOW WRONG
Elizabeth:
I WAS NOT EXPECTING PAPA STARK TO ACTUALLY BE KILLED
Elizabeth:
HE IS THE FIRST NAME IN THE CREDITS
Elizabeth:
AND OUR NOBLE HERO
Elizabeth:
I have decided I am okay with Mr Dany dying if Papa Stark can be not dead
Elizabeth:
THAT IS THE DEAL, GOT, THAT IS THE DEAL
Anne:
Our baby’s first GoT heartbreak
Elizabeth:
Okay, I will watch the next episode where I am sure all will be much better
Elizabeth:
I can’t believe you guys wanted to kill Papa Stark last night
Elizabeth:
YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THE FIRST SERIES WAS ONLY 8 EPISODES
Anne:
Haha
Anne:
Rule for the future: shit always goes down in episode 9
Anne:
[[Episode 10]]
Elizabeth:
Nooooo! I don’t need to see the bloodied sword and the head of Papa Stark
Xander:
I mean, at least clean the sword first
Elizabeth:
I don’t remember this person Arya is meant to remember
Elizabeth:
Also I suspect Arya is not going to pretend to be a boy
Xander:
She could pretend to be a toy?
Xander:
She’d make a pretty mean Buzz Lightyear
Elizabeth:
Damnit Bran, not this again
Elizabeth:
You can’t walk and crows don’t have three eyes
Anne:
I am packing and showering now but will pop in and out!
Elizabeth:
Well presumably nothing bad will ever happen again so that’s okay
Elizabeth:
Puppy!
Elizabeth:
Rikon, if you saw him while you sleep it does not count
Elizabeth:
Detective Stark needs a hug, stat!
Elizabeth:
As does Robb
Elizabeth:
They hugged!
Elizabeth:
Good combo work, guys
Xander:
Level up!
Elizabeth:
This bard is not very good
Elizabeth:
I’d keep my fingers
Elizabeth:
Dude, just carry tongue cutting equipment around
Elizabeth:
You forget how hard teenage romances are, with the hormones and social pressures, and boyfriends ordering the deaths of your father
Anne:
Happens to the best of us
Elizabeth:
“As soon as you’ve had your blood I’ll put a son in you” and yet the romance is not gone
Elizabeth:
HEADS ON SPIKES WHY
Elizabeth:
Sansa’s getting some backbone
Elizabeth:
Joffrey is yet to grow on me
Elizabeth:
Dude, Sansa nearly tried to kill Joffrey
Elizabeth:
THAT WILL NOT END WELL
Elizabeth:
Or end excellently, I am not sure yet
Xander:
There’s not really a huge difference between the two in GoT
Xander:
“Ending Well” is the same as “Ending Poorly” except you get to be king before being brutally murdered
Elizabeth:
So some guy just declared Robb king of the north
Elizabeth:
Cool cool
Anne:
THE KING IN THE NORTH!!
Elizabeth:
Pfft, you are only saying that so you can be Queen of the North
Elizabeth:
Don’t hit on Detective Stark, it will not end well Jaime
Elizabeth:
“Why did you push him out the window?”
Elizabeth:
“I hoped the fall would kill him”
Elizabeth:
That is not what she meant!
Elizabeth:
Who is naked guy hanging around in Queenie’s bedroom?
Xander:
Game of Thrones actually has a spinoff game show based around that
Xander:
‘Name that cock!’
Anne:
That’s Lancel
Anne:
Lancel Lannister
Anne:
Her cousin
Xander:
Cersei really has a type
Elizabeth:
Even Papa Lannister thinks Papa Stark should still be alive
Elizabeth:
Ooh, Papa Stark is sending Tyrion off to be hand to the king
Elizabeth:
And he called him his son!
Xander:
That is an interesting move for someone who doesn’t have a head
Elizabeth:
Whoops! Wrong Papa
Anne:
that was a depressing typo
Anne:
Papa Stark and Tyrion being friends would be the best
Elizabeth:
Papa Lannister you old softie
Elizabeth:
Why can’t he take his whore? That’s just mean
Xander:
Papa Lannister is a dick
Elizabeth:
Dany! Are you okay?!
Elizabeth:
No
Elizabeth:
No no
Elizabeth:
Baby
Elizabeth:
I AM SURE HE WAS NOT A MONSTER
Elizabeth:
Ugh, I thought the death paid for life might end up being something like this
Elizabeth:
And Drogo is all weird
Elizabeth:
I feel the healer lady has cheated everyone
Elizabeth:
This show is the worst
Anne:
Pretty much
Elizabeth:
Oh Sam, sweetheart
Elizabeth:
Shay seems pretty cool
Xander:
Her actress used to be a porn star
Xander:
fun fact!
Elizabeth:
N’aww, Sam (plus Pip and other) followed Jon!
Elizabeth:
Oh Dany
Elizabeth:
IT’S JUST GETTING SADDER
Elizabeth:
WHAT
Elizabeth:
So Dany seems to be smothering Mr Dany
Xander:
She’s so overbearing
Elizabeth:
YOU MOCK MY PAIN
Elizabeth:
Haha, this guy seems to be boring his prostitute
Elizabeth:
It’s Baelish and Varys time!
Elizabeth:
They are the best
Elizabeth:
Arry the orphan boy!
Elizabeth:
Arry is the best
Anne:
Arry
Elizabeth:
Oh man, if Arry ends up on the wall with Jon that would be the best thing ever
Elizabeth:
Yes! Jon will bring Papa Stark back to life!
Elizabeth:
He’s going beyond the wall!
Xander:
These are somehow connected
Xander:
IT’S ALL CONNECTED
Elizabeth:
Dany’s pretty hardcore really
Elizabeth:
Also: sweet funeral pyre
Elizabeth:
Dany, you appear to be on fire
Elizabeth:
She went into the pyre
Elizabeth:
I suspect she will be okay
Xander:
It’s alright, because she likes the way it burns
Elizabeth:
And she is!!!
Elizabeth:
At last! Someone who doesn’t die!
Elizabeth:
AND SHE HATCHED THE DRAGONS!
Elizabeth:
THIS IS BEST EVER
Elizabeth:
EPISODE END
Xander:
Two things I got from that:
Xander:
“WHERE WAS THE LAST MINUTE RESCUE”
Xander:
Now you feel the pain we all felt
Elizabeth:
oh man
Elizabeth:
If only
Elizabeth:
Clearly my subconscious has brilliant ideas for this show
Xander:
So, end of season 1
Xander:
I would like to hear your opinions on everything
Elizabeth:
Hmm
Elizabeth:
I spent most of this episode thinking I HATE EVERYTHING
Elizabeth:
But then baby dragons!
Xander:
A quote I saved from a previous episode: “Papa Stark it is cool you are honourable and all, but it is also cool that you are alive”
Xander:
Elizabeth, that made me so sad
Elizabeth:
How did you guys cope with Papa Stark being all alive in my world?!
Elizabeth:
Was it gloriously painful?
Xander:
It hurt
Xander:
he was the hero of the story
Elizabeth:
He was
Elizabeth:
I am still not sure he was allowed to die
Xander:
He’s not!
Xander:
It’s what makes it good writing
Xander:
They don’t care about yo rules
Elizabeth:
It’s what makes STUPID DUMB I HATE EVERYTHING writing
Elizabeth:
It’s possible I am still too emotional for a detached discussion
Elizabeth:
But it’s more likely that GAME OF THRONES IS THE WORST