Game of Thrones, Season 2: Episodes 1-2

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In June/July 2014 (four years late to the party) Elizabeth finally watched through Game of Thrones. Aware of her squeamishness, her brother Xander (who’s seen the show) and friend Anne (who’s also read the books) thought it might be amusing to see her reactions as she watched. This is the transcript of that experience: it contains many spoilers and not much coping.
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game of thrones
Elizabeth:
Okay team, time for season 2, where presumably nothing bad will happen.
Anne:
So season 2. Hopes? Expectations?
Xander:
aka ‘future crushables’
Elizabeth:
Mostly I want to follow Dany around with her baby dragons
Elizabeth:
But if Papa Stark could be not dead also that would be nice
Elizabeth:
Oh! This season should totally be about Dany going around with her dragons and making everything better
Elizabeth:
She can bring back Papa Stark and Mr Dany and Viserys
Elizabeth:
They could kill Joffrey and pick up Tyrion and cruise around and everyone would be so happy
Anne:
That is exactly what happens.
Anne:
[[Episode 1]]
Elizabeth:
And we open on…. Joffrey. Oh dear.
Elizabeth:
Joffrey why are you making your peeps beat each other bloody?
Anne:
Because he is the worst, Elizabeth, you know this.
Elizabeth:
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DRINK WINE
Xander:
What did they do with it?
Elizabeth:
Joffrey wouldn’t let a man stop drinking it
Elizabeth:
Then Sansa managed to save him
Elizabeth:
Aw, is this Tyrion’s niece and nephew?
Xander:
Doubly so, I think
Elizabeth:
So, Tyrion is the best
Elizabeth:
He was super nice to Sansa
Elizabeth:
She may have been a bit bratty in the past, but she is in desperate need of kindness now
Elizabeth:
From people Joffrey is unlikely to kill, preferably
Anne:
That’s not many people
Xander:
There’s a thing in the fandom that Ned was the last man of honour, and Tyrion is the last man of kindness
Elizabeth:
I can see that
Elizabeth:
Hehe, Queenie doesn’t like her brother having any type of power
Xander:
Depends on which brother
Xander:
(That was a sex joke)
Xander:
But seriously which brother?
Elizabeth:
Tyrion
Elizabeth:
She seems fond of the other
Anne:
Fond is such a diplomatic word
Xander:
What is Jaime up to at this point?
Elizabeth:
I think he’s a prisoner to the Starks
Xander:
More like a prisoner to the CHUMPS
Elizabeth:
So Robb seems to be winning his war
Elizabeth:
Huzzah
Xander:
I retract any statement I have ever made comparing the mighty Starks to chumps. Long live King Robb!
Elizabeth:
Whoa, Bran is being all lordly
Xander:
Bran has never seen a diamond in the flesh
Elizabeth:
Puppy!
Elizabeth:
Dream puppy 🙁
Elizabeth:
Bran gets piggy backs
Xander:
From Hodor?
Elizabeth:
Yeah
Elizabeth:
I never get piggybacks
Xander:
Ask Hodor!
Xander:
He is piggyback king!
Elizabeth:
I love Hodor
Elizabeth:
He would give the best piggybacks
Elizabeth:
Ooh, I bet they do herald dragons!!
Elizabeth:
I forgot about the dragons!
Elizabeth:
It’s Dany! With a dragon!
Xander:
They didn’t want to kill their CGI budget so I’m not sure you see too many dragons in S2
Elizabeth:
THEY ARE NOT CGI
Elizabeth:
THEY ARE REAL
Elizabeth:
FOOL
Elizabeth:
S02E01 Dany w: dragon
Elizabeth:
Dany’s trying to work out how to feed the dragon!
Xander:
The lesser known prequel to How To Train Your Dragon
Elizabeth:
Horse down
Elizabeth:
Poor Dany
Elizabeth:
Jonah (Jodah? Jorah?) seems pretty nice
Anne:
Jorah
Anne:
Jorah Mormont
Xander:
Or possibly Jonah Hill
Xander:
who is also nice from what I hear
Elizabeth:
The one who is helping Dany
Xander:
Jorah Mormont
Xander:
Jonah Hill doesn’t come in until season 3
Xander:
Jonah Hill is an actor
Anne:
And significantly less dashing
Elizabeth:
There are no actors in this show, from memory
Anne:
ONLY HEROES
Elizabeth:
This man seems to have married his daughters
Elizabeth:
Things were very confusing until I remembered incest is an option in this show
Elizabeth:
I should totally start demanding people’s axes when they ask me questions
Elizabeth:
I will probably not marry my daughters, though
Elizabeth:
That seems yucky
Elizabeth:
Who is this burning religious artifacts?
Xander:
She a redhead?
Elizabeth:
I think so
Elizabeth:
She is asking Stannis is to pull out a sword
Elizabeth:
I believe Stannis is the late king’s brother
Xander:
That’s Merlin
Elizabeth:
Wait, seriously?!
Xander:
nah
Xander:
That’s Melisandre
Elizabeth:
Merlin, right, I heard you the first time
Elizabeth:
Stannis is the older brother and thus should inherit as Joffrey is child of incest
Elizabeth:
I am good at this game
Xander:
The game…
Xander:
OF THRONES
Elizabeth:
Stannis is meticulous in his declarations
Elizabeth:
I appreciate that
Xander:
Also: Merlin is a Priestess of the Lord of Light, who is only really worshipped in the lands to the east where Dany is hanging
Xander:
just fyi
Anne:
The Lord of Light is fond of fire
Xander:
The Lord of Light is VERY fond of fire
Elizabeth:
Merlin is hardcore
Elizabeth:
She waited until it was definitely the wine killing the first guy
Elizabeth:
And then she drank the wine
Elizabeth:
I am unclear why she has not died
Elizabeth:
Sheer power of awesome?
Xander:
She’s really good at holding her liquor
Xander:
The other guy died of alcohol poisoning
Xander:
Quick-acting alcohol poisoning
Elizabeth:
Jaime you need a bath
Elizabeth:
If I were Jaime I’d deny Joffrey was my son too
Elizabeth:
Those dire wolves have been so handy
Elizabeth:
They are always saving the day
Elizabeth:
S02E01 city smells of dead bodies
Elizabeth:
“The city smells of dead bodies” “bit corpsey, yes”
Elizabeth:
I love how Tyrion just rolls with the punches
Anne:
Tyrion is my favourite
Elizabeth:
Ooh, Baelish is hinting at Queenie sleeping with her brother
Elizabeth:
And Queenie nearly slit his throat
Elizabeth:
She is not standing for any of that knowledge is power stuff
Elizabeth:
I love these little power plays
Elizabeth:
Haha, Anne, did the Scots enjoy the king of the north plot?
Anne:
Haha Yorkshire appreciated it a lot.
Anne:
Thing is, if we’re drawing UK parallels, Scotland is Beyond The Wall.
Anne:
So that’s awkward.
Elizabeth:
Theon you are such a cutie
Elizabeth:
Calling Robb “your grace”
Elizabeth:
I liked Robb’s subtle hint he is dubious of Joffrey’s Baratheon parentage
Elizabeth:
Theon, you kind of are a Stark
Xander:
It’s a stark truth we all must face
Anne:
*groan*
Elizabeth:
This king of the north business is very complicated
Elizabeth:
Robb’s ordering his mother to do things (I mean, nicely, with explanation and stuff), it’s interesting how the family dynamic shifted with Papa Stark’s death
Xander:
Detective Stark: ‘Robb, I’m gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun… you’re being promoted! You’re now head of the family’
Elizabeth:
“They put too much value on their women”
Elizabeth:
meanwhile Joffrey is just rude and dismissive to his mother
Xander:
In fairness, he’s just as rude to his aunt
Xander:
(Heyo!)
Elizabeth:
And Queenie slapped him for it
Elizabeth:
In fairness, he just asked (not very politely) how many bastards Robert fathered
Elizabeth:
Joffrey does not cope well with being slapped
Elizabeth:
And he’s letting her know he will put her to death if she does it again
Elizabeth:
It was in front of others and quite undermining of his authority, but that seems harsh
Xander:
He is a bad king
Anne:
He is a bad person
Elizabeth:
Prostitute lessons, an interesting addition to the show
Xander:
People argue like crazy about how needed that scene is
Xander:
Thoughts?
Elizabeth:
Hmm, hard to say.
Elizabeth:
Seems unnecessary, but it was very short so I guess just adds dimension to the show
Elizabeth:
(similarly to starting scenes with skinning deer or archery lessons)
Elizabeth:
It’s tricky with nudity and sex because they are so often there for…
Elizabeth:
I believe the term is ‘fan service’
Elizabeth:
Meanwhile, if the establishment was a dressmaking shop, would the scene have started with one of the employees being corrected on their sewing technique?
Elizabeth:
If so, then no reason not to have the same for a scene in a brothel
Elizabeth:
I like how casually the show treats sex and nudity, the way it is shot and lit and the scenes that go on around it, it makes it all just part of their world and lives
Anne:
Yeah, I think it has a place in normalising it as a part of the world. It’s business, it’s a daily reality.
Anne:
But yeah, there’s a fine line.
Xander:
I do like that, but it’s so often fanservicey
Xander:
The main argument is that it shows he’s ruthless and unfeeling.
Xander:
A fact I feel is firmly established by every scene with him prior.
Xander:
Contrasting it to Orange is The New Black, I think that Orange is The New Black handles nudity so much better
Elizabeth:
I think GoT really revels in the sex, blood, nudity, death sort of stuff.
Elizabeth:
I find the gore harder to cope with than the nudity, personally
Elizabeth:
(although I also don’t like the sex scenes either)
Xander:
I am completely happy with them as long as they’re necessary in some small way beyond fanservice
Elizabeth:
Yeah, I am not interested in fanservice
Elizabeth:
I think all the nudity, blood, sex and death scenes exist as part of this heightened fantasy world, so it suits the show
Elizabeth:
Regarding the scene when Baelish instructs the girls on sex, from that scene I more got that he is invested in the sex for purely business reasons, he genuinely does not receive sexual pleasure at the thought of owning a brothel or watching people have sex and he has no interest in having sex with the girls himself
Elizabeth:
Which sort of strengthens, I suppose, the candle he holds for Detective Stark
Xander:
It’s a controversial scene nonetheless
Elizabeth:
Oh man, they are taking a baby
Elizabeth:
KILLING A BABY
Xander:
THAT GOT BABY MURDERY FAST
Elizabeth:
Whoa, Joffrey is killing all his father’s bastards
Anne:
As previously stated, HE IS THE WORST
Xander:
Some people complain that the baby murdering scene is too fan-servicey
Xander:
[[Episode 2]]
Xander:
S02E02 Prisoner Jackenblargen and other
Elizabeth:
It’s Arry!!
Xander:
Our favourite British wizard
Xander:
/Stark daughter!
Elizabeth:
I like Prisoner Jackenblargen
Xander:
Jaqen H’ghar!
Elizabeth:
That’s what I said
Elizabeth:
“I could shave a spider’s arse” this man has a real way with words
Elizabeth:
Hey! They’re not after Arry!
Elizabeth:
They’re after another of the king’s bastards
Xander:
And all the king’s men
Elizabeth:
Well now Varys knows about Tyrion’s lady friend
Elizabeth:
That can only end terribly
Elizabeth:
“Another king? How many is that, I’ve lost count” I know how you feel Queenie
Elizabeth:
I like how there is the internal conflict of everyone wanting the throne, but then also hints of this external conflict beyond the wall
Xander:
Game of Thrones is known for its layered and multifaceted stories
Xander:
Also, breasts.
Xander:
Layers and layers of them.
Elizabeth:
“It seems indecent for one man to have so many wives. Wouldn’t two or three be enough?”
Elizabeth:
It does seem unfair
Elizabeth:
Some people only have one wife
Xander:
Those poor souls
Elizabeth:
Dang, Ghost is a big ol’ puppy
Elizabeth:
Oh Sam
Elizabeth:
Sam, it is not a good idea to talk to the guy’s daughter/wife
Elizabeth:
Just daughter apparently
Elizabeth:
Pregnant daughter
Elizabeth:
Apparently there is something up with his wife-daughters having baby boys
Elizabeth:
(Not sure if daughter is also wife)
Anne:
With this guy, if in doubt assume yes
Elizabeth:
Why has Sam read about midwifery/birth?
Xander:
That’s never really explained in the show
Xander:
Apparently the second book dedicates several chapters to it
Xander:
And it fills the entirety of the third book
Xander:
It is called ‘Sam Learns Midwifery’
Anne:
It’s actually strangely compelling
Elizabeth:
I feel so decadent having tea and water while Dany and co. are dehydrating in the desert
Xander:
Just wait until you get to the scene where Tyrion can’t access his Facebook account
Elizabeth:
Boat time!
Elizabeth:
Theon has a naked lady
Elizabeth:
And is going home!
Elizabeth:
This is a good day for Theon
Elizabeth:
“Try smiling with your mouth closed” Theon you are not that nice to your naked friend
Elizabeth:
Poor naked friend
Elizabeth:
Geez, it’s back-to-back sex scenes here
Xander:
When are they going to break it up with some baby-killing?
Elizabeth:
Baelish is being nice to his prostitute, even though she upset a customer, I appreciate this
Elizabeth:
Nope
Elizabeth:
I take it back
Elizabeth:
He is now talking about women who were bad investments
Elizabeth:
And he now seems to be vaguely threatening her
Elizabeth:
At least she is getting the night off?
Xander:
Yay Baelish!
Xander:
Employer of the year!
Elizabeth:
Tyrion is against baby killing, further proof he is the best
Elizabeth:
Is Tyrion’s champion the new head of the guards?
Elizabeth:
If so I approve
Elizabeth:
I like Gendyl
Xander:
Gendry is the best!
Elizabeth:
He knows Arry is a girl!
Xander:
Gendry is the smart!
Elizabeth:
Haha, Gendry regrets mentioning cocks after discovering Arry is a Lady
Elizabeth:
So that was adorable
Elizabeth:
S02E02 Arya and Gendry
Xander:
ah yeah
Xander:
it’s adorable
Xander:
adorable like a monkey riding a fox
Elizabeth:
Theon stop groping that lady
Elizabeth:
She is riding
Elizabeth:
Watching Theon interacting with women makes me likes him less
Xander:
According to my understanding of maths, once your dislike of him reaches critical mass he loops around and becomes the best
Xander:
Tyrion is basically just Theon in ten years
Elizabeth:
Papa Greyjoy is being mean to his son
Elizabeth:
Why?
Elizabeth:
He’s been a captive for 9 years!
Elizabeth:
No wonder Theon liked the Starks so much
Elizabeth:
Wait! Did Theon grope his sister?!
Elizabeth:
“She’s a woman!” “You’re the one in a skirt”
Elizabeth:
I feel this show has more incest than most
Xander:
That really depends on what shows you watch
Elizabeth:
A pirate!
Elizabeth:
So the pirate wants the Queen
Elizabeth:
I suspect he has never met her
Xander:
Wow Elizabeth
Xander:
Way to belittle the entire online dating community
Elizabeth:
Man, Tyrion is really opposed to baby killing
Elizabeth:
I don’t think Tyrion killed their mother on purpose
Elizabeth:
It seems unlikely that as a baby being born he would have done so
Xander:
It was a failed gambit to establish himself as the head of the family
Elizabeth:
Queenie! Don’t be mean to Tyrion! He is the best!
Xander:
Hey
Xander:
Don’t forget he killed her Mum
Elizabeth:
Ooh, I like the big ol’ map table
Elizabeth:
“Pirates seem to prefer to fight unarmed men” “seems the wiser choice”
Elizabeth:
Pirates are the best
Elizabeth:
Merlin, why are you now nudie?
Xander:
Clearly you are not familiar with the Legend of King Arthur
Elizabeth:
So Stannis might be one of the few faithful men in the show
Elizabeth:
nooope.
Elizabeth:
That does not seem like a comfortable table to have sex on
Elizabeth:
Jon, channel Detective Stark, find out what happens to the baby boys
Elizabeth:
(How do you describe the relationship between a bastard and the bastard’s father’s wife?)
Xander:
Second Step-mother-in-law twice removed
Elizabeth:
Well Jon just got smacked on the head and we are still none the wiser with regards to what happens to the boy babies
Elizabeth:
END EPISODE
Xander:
Now that you’ve finished the ep, a special treat:
Elizabeth:
Haha, I’ve seen that thing before
Elizabeth:
But now I understand it!
Elizabeth:
That episode had more incest than I was expecting
Elizabeth:
Which, for Game of Thrones, is really saying something