Lost, Season 1: Episodes 1-3

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In 2009, Peter watched through the first five seasons of Lost for the first time, live-tweeting all thoughts as he had them. Nicknames were created, awards were invented and dispensed, and predictions were made. If you’ve never seen Lost (or even if it’s been a while), these may not make much sense.
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Lost
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[[Episode 1]]
Peter:
Watching through Lost for the first time, have never seen it before. Starting at season 1 episode 1. Here we go!
Peter:
Shots of a forest from a low angle. What is this, Life on Mars?
Peter:
Oh good. He’s left the forest, wandered onto a beach. I don’t recognise the actor – does that indicate this character’s not going to last long?
Peter:
Oooh, a jet engine still running. I will be sincerely disappointed if no-one gets sucked into that engine.
Peter:
Awesome!
Peter:
Random redshirt, sucked into the jet engine.
Peter:
AND THEN IT EXPLODED.
Peter:
JJ Abrams sure knows what the audience wants.
Peter:
Hey, the big guy with the long black hair. I know him. I’ve seen him on various promos for the show.
Peter:
Jet wing fell over, AND THEN IT EXPLODED. Two explosions in the first few minutes. “Start as we mean to go on”?
Peter:
Ignoring the pregnant lady (who didn’t get any dialogue), our main character (who I just learned is a doctor) is convincing a lady to to stitch him up. The “First Girl” rule would indicate that she is going to be his love interest for the series. We’ll see!
Peter:
This guy is a hot topless wounded doctor
Peter:
With tattoos.
Peter:
He’s just trying too hard to be sexy. I bet it worked on the audience, but NOT ME.
Peter:
Oh great, now he’s revealing his dark past. And he’s being heroic. Now all he needs to do is brood and play the guitar.
Peter:
And introducing…hot bitchy female. My money’s on her softening her tough exterior either gradually throughout the series, or in this ep.
Peter:
I love watching a new show for the first time. So many characters, but in a few episodes, you know you’ll be familiar with them all.
Peter:
Oh, for christ’s sake…the doctor is also a pilot. (well, “took a couple of flying lessons”.)
Peter:
“I saw some smoke” – if I remember correctly, this show features a…”smoke monster” or something?
Peter:
Hey, an Aussie!
Peter:
What the crap is happening? (loud noises, the forest is going bananas.)
Peter:
I get the feeling I’ll be asking that question a lot.
Peter:
During an aeroplane crash is one of the few times I completely condone the use of shaky-cam.
Peter:
Slowly picking up characters names. First Girl is Kate.
Peter:
She’s currently stealing shoes off a dead body. Very Nobby Nobbs of her.
Peter:
I hope that Scar-face Orange-mouth doesn’t ever get a name, so I can keep calling him Scar-face Orange-mouth.
Peter:
I can’t place Beard-guy Monkey-ear’s accent. Irish?
Peter:
So far,
Peter:
Most intriguing character: Scar-Face Orange-mouth.
Peter:
Most likeable character: Beard-guy Monkey-ears.
Peter:
Least likeable: Hot Bitchy Female.
Peter:
I’ve heard bits and pieces about this show over the years. All the plane’s passengers are connected Orient-Express-style, right?
Peter:
Also, they find…like, a door in the ground? And they meet a group known as “The Others”. That is literally all that I know.
Peter:
Beard-face Monkey-ear’s name is “Charlie”. Still no idea of the doctor’s name.
Peter:
“Has anybody…” “Not yet.”
Peter:
Has anybody what??
Peter:
Died? Yes, dozens of people.
Peter:
I suppose he could have meant “contacted us”, but that’s unclear.
Peter:
Oooh. Charlie was doing something suspicious in the bathroom. A new mysterious layer added to my favourite character!
Peter:
Until further evidence arrives, I’m going to assume that they’ve crashed on Skull Island, and it’s King Kong eating the dead passengers.
Peter:
Man, they are really into shaky-cam on this show.
Peter:
Charlie’s foot is trapped in vines. Yeah, nice attempt to increase the stakes but I know he won’t die. He’s too cool.
Peter:
I’ve heard that Lost answers almost no questions, so I’m guessing we’ll never know:
Peter:
-what the monster is
Peter:
-what Charlie had in the bathroom
Peter:
-what the doctor’s name…oh, they just named him. “Jack”.
Peter:
Oooh, lovely focus pull. One of the most effective focus pulls I’ve ever seen. (onto the water’s reflection)
Peter:
And thus ends Lost episode 1.
Peter:
My verdict so far: Like “King Kong” meets “Predator” meets “Lord of the Flies” meets “House M.D.”
Peter:
Meets “Lost”.
Peter:
[[Episode 2]]
Peter:
So Charlie is claiming that he was throwing up in the bathroom, but my money’s on him trying to find his drugs.
Peter:
Oh. I was right.
Peter:
I feel…underwhelmed.
Peter:
Oh cool. I hope we get to see the plane’s crash from every character’s point of view. One per episode.
Peter:
Haha, Hot Bitchy Female is sun-bathing while everyone else works. Could she be any more stereotypically hot and bitchy?
Peter:
My theory: the plane crash was orchestrated to kill everyone on board for various reason. The band didn’t want a druggie bassist…the other doctors were tired of Jack getting all the girls, the pregnant lady’s husband didn’t want a kid.
Peter:
and everyone just hated Hot Bitchy girl.
Peter:
If I’m ever in a plane crash, I’m not going to be at all helpful. I’m not a doctor, electrician, hot bitchy female…
Peter:
Instead of explosions, like the first episode, this one has hot girls in their underwear. Again, two in the first few minutes…
Peter:
Blood, explosions, hot girls in their underwear…this is very much a guy’s show.
Peter:
“Wait for me to-”
Peter:
“He said the batteries won’t last.”
Peter:
Um, take them out? Turn it off for 10 minutes? It’s not rocket surgery.
Peter:
Okay, so my choices have shifted.
Peter:
Most intriguing character: Electrician Guy.
Peter:
Most likeable: Big guy with long hair.
Peter:
Least likeable: Cruel Asian Man.
Peter:
Ever since the drugs, I’ve gone right off Charlie. And Hot Bitchy Girl is too two-dimensional to really dislike.
Peter:
For the first five episodes of every TV show, all the characters should just wear name-tags. Would make my life a lot easier.
Peter:
Dogs aren’t allowed on planes are they? Surely there are rules against that.
Peter:
Scar-face Orange-man is playing backgammon against himself. So cute.
Peter:
“Backgammon’s the oldest game in the world.”
Peter:
What about prostitution, Scar-face Orange-man?
Peter:
Is he trying to make backgammon some kind of elaborate metaphor?
Peter:
There are a lot of Australians on this show.
Peter:
Woah, cool. Angry Man just shot a polar bear. AND THEN IT EXPLODED.
Peter:
Big Guy with Long Hair just made me laugh. First laugh so far. I hadn’t even noticed, but it’s not a particularly funny show.
Peter:
“Hurley”. Big Guy’s name is Hurley.
Peter:
Second laugh of the show – “I just shot a bear!” I have long maintained that bears are the funniest animal. Polar bears especially so.
Peter:
Another crash flashback. (hereafter referred to as “crashbacks”.) Kate is a criminal! Nice twist.
Peter:
My prediction is that they run out of crashbacks by episode 5.
Peter:
Scene on the hill with the radio filmed by Michael Bay. The camera has not stopped moving once.
Peter:
Angry Angry Man is quickly becoming a contender for least likeable character. Even if he did shoot a polar bear.
Peter:
I can’t deny it; this show builds a good mystery. End of episode 2.
Peter:
[[Episode 3]]
Peter:
Season 1, episode 3. – the first one with a “previously on”.
Peter:
“Don’t trust her, she’s dangerous.” My guess is that Kate is secretly a polar bear.
Peter:
Oh!! Angry Man is Sawyer. I’ve heard that name a lot.
Peter:
Haha, the plane left from Australia. That explains why there are so many Aussies.
Peter:
Hurley: “Was it a dinosaur? You didn’t see it, it might be a dinosaur!”
Peter:
More evidence for my Skull Island theory.
Peter:
No, you fools! Don’t give the gun to Kate. She’s a polar bear! She’s going to seek revenge for her fallen brother!
Peter:
Oh man, this Aussie farmer is awesome. He is my new favourite character. I hope he gets his own spin-off. “Lefty the farmer.”
Peter:
Oh Kate and Jack, you guys have to be honest with each other! Don’t let lies get in the way of your sexual tension!
Peter:
Hurley is the Scooby Doo of this show.
Peter:
Every time anyone hears a noise and turns around, I assume they’re going to find a polar bear. I am frequently disappointed.
Peter:
Come on Cruel Asian Man, do something to make me warm to you. Shoot a polar bear!
Peter:
I was trying to work out a term for non-crash-related “crashbacks”, when I realised they were just called “flashbacks”.
Peter:
Oh Aussie doctor, you should marry Kate, and have one-armed Aussie criminal babies.
Peter:
Most intriguing character: Kate.
Peter:
Most likeable character: Lefty the Aussie Farmer.
Peter:
Least likeable: Cruel Asian Man.
Peter:
Nooo! Aussie Farmer, why?? Why would you do that? You are no longer my pick for “Most likeable character“.
Peter:
Aussie Farmer is called “Ray”
Peter:
Scar-face Orange-mouth is called “Mr Locke”.
Peter:
Sawyer is Kate’s shoulder-devil. She already seems pretty evil, does she even need a shoulder-devil?
Peter:
Dying-cop-man, your cryptic comments might be good for keeping the mysteries going, but they’re just shitting me off at the moment.
Peter:
It’s surprisingly confusing seeing all these cars driving on the left. Television-cars drive on the right, it’s a fact.
Peter:
NO! Lefty!! I know I wasn’t your biggest fan, but don’t die!!
Peter:
Oh, “Kate” seems to be her real name. That’s surprising.
Peter:
I was looking forward to her being a Mrs Reynolds sort of character.
Peter:
Kate is holding steady for “most intriguing” character. Moments of pure sweetness, shady past, has a gun.
Peter:
Jack looks like a mix of Ben Affleck and Adam Sandler.
Peter:
Sawyer, don’t throw away your cigarette. You’re stranded on an island, there’s no corner-store to buy a new packet from.
Peter:
You are going to want that later.
Peter:
Mr Locke is on the beach, trying to summon King Kong with his whistle.
Peter:
Awww! He found the puppy! He’s become a serious contender for Most likeable.
Peter:
Jack’s voice is suddenly really nasal. Sounds like he’s doing a nerd impression. He hasn’t always sounded like that, has he?
Peter:
Oh Jack, you prat.
Peter:
Jack: “I don’t want to know what you did.”
Peter:
That’s nice, but the audience does!!
Peter:
Current theories:
Peter:
-Hot Bitchy Girl and Hot Bitchy Girl’s Brother aren’t really brother and sister.
Peter:
-Mr Locke knows more than he’s letting on.
Peter:
-Vincent (the dog) will save someone’s life.
Peter:
-Pregnant Australian girl’s baby is a polar bear.
Peter:
They just ended a happy song with a shot of Mr Locke, and suddenly there was DRAMATIC MUSIC. Lazy lazy mystery-building.
Peter:
And so ends episode 3.
Peter:
[[Running tally:]]
Peter:
Most intriguing: (three-way tie) Scar-faced Orange-mouth (Mr Locke) at 1, Electrician Guy (Sayeed) at 1, Kate (Kate) at 1.
Peter:
Most likeable: (three-way tie) Beard-face Monkey-ears (Charlie) at 1, Big Guy with Long Hair (Hurley) at 1, Lefty the Aussie Farmer (Ray) at 1
Peter:
Least likeable: Cruel Asian Man (Jin) at 2, Hot Bitchy Female at 1