So someone has put Man of Steel on, which I really disliked at the cinema (and also fell asleep during).
WHAT BETTER WAY TO SPEND HALLOWEEN?
Watching it with some dudes who I don’t know very well, who shall henceforth be called “Dudes”
Of course he delivers the baby himself
That baby is way too old to be coming out of that woman’s vagina
Man, Krypton was a pretty planet.
“I warned you, harvesting the core was suicide.”
This is a film about a flying man from space so I’ll try not to go too far into how little sense the science makes
But I’m pretty sure that science makes no sense
Haha of course they have the creatures from Avatar on Krypton.
Of course they do.
We know what’s going to happen here.
The shots of Russell Crowe swimming through Krypto-soup to whatever is just totally unnecessary.
It’s like starting Spider-Man with Uncle Ben engaged in a 10-minute fist fight with the mugger.
It’s a foregone conclusion.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s all very pretty. Just totally pointless.
Remind you of anyone?
OH SICK BURN
“If the ship doesn’t make it, he’ll die out there alone.”
Listen Mrs Superman’s Mom, he’s DEFINITELY going to die if he stays on the planet. It’s probably worth the risk.
(Although again, you enter this scene knowing exactly how it’s going to end.)
Though that would have been a hell of a twist – if she’d been like “Nah” and just never sent him into space.
And the movie was just about an unrelated butterfly
I can see why they did not make that choice though.
These scenes also contain a weird hodgemodge of ideologies.
‘You don’t get to choose which bloodlines survive! Also, I had a naturally-born child!’
I’m getting philosophical whiplash here
Are we talking about eugenics or designer babies or artificial insemination or what?
And I mean Russell Crowe by only saving your own son you’re sort of being just as bad as the evil guy.
‘You don’t get to choose a bloodline! But, uh, I do, and I choose my son.’
‘Hey man, I don’t make the rules’
Also didn’t we establish that no one can survive the planet’s destruction?
Yet I’m pretty sure that General Zod and a bunch of his cronies do.
Why the fuck are they still holding trials on a dying planet?
Y’ALL ARE ABOUT TO DIE
EXECUTING PRISONERS SHOULD NOT BE A PRIORITY HERE
Zod really needs to deal with his anger issues.
He just swore vengeance on a 1-month old baby
Surely even the craziest of dudes can see how dumb that is
At least he didn’t propose
*cough* Jacob *cough*
Haha this film really doesn’t have enough werewolves
Also: it seems that while they can’t save the planet, they can send prisoners off the planet in a way that stops them from dying
Krypton is so fucked.
Rarely have I seen a planet that deserved to die as much as this one.
Have you seen Venus lately?
Ugh 20 minutes into the film and we’re still on Krypton
Well we were
Krypton dead now
I wish it was Venus
Fuck I hate Venus
Oh man I’d totally forgotten about this – we’re following incognito Superman as he learns how to fish
Haha and now he’s all hot and on-fire and saving lives
Superman should just always be hot and on-fire and saving lives
That’s the movie I want to see
They’re all like ‘No don’t try to catch that! What are you doing??’
Like they’ve already forgotten that they met him while he was on fire and super-heroically saving their lives.
Every time you see an American flag during this film, take a shot
“What’s wrong with me, Mom?”
‘YOU’RE A FREAK! BURN THE FREAK!’
This movie really is exquisitely shot
And the shots from the American flag game are making us all exquisitely drunk
Shots of bleach were probably a mistake
God damn this Superman’s body is ridiculous.
I really don’t believe that there are humans this buff.
(Which I suppose is the point, what with him not being human)
Okay this is the only time I’ll bring this up because I know the answer already
But WHAT ARE THE ODDS that humans and Kryptonians are physiologically EXACTLY THE SAME
Man Superman’s childhood was unlucky. Just kids dying everywhere, all the time.
Okay just the once but still.
These kids were so shit and useless during that whole situation.
“Aaah, we’re all going to drown, but we should still stay in our seats.”
I mean….they are KIDS.
Not sure what real-life kids do in similar situations, but I’m happy to cut them some slack.
Women and Children first only applies to how willing the children are to actually get to the lifeboats
If they’re busy playing with Lego the rule no longer applies
Women do love Lego
Oh Jesus now Superman’s Uncle Ben character is like “Boy! Quit saving lives!”
I hate him.
‘If you save OTHER people’s lives, someone might notice you! And, uh, that would be bad because, uh…’
‘just don’t do it’
Someone just walked in, and the dudes tried to summarise for him.
“Basically the aliens…who speak English…their planet is dying”
“Oh so the Superman story”
“Yeah that’s it.”
If you can summarise the first half hour of plot in a few words, there’s a problem with your movie.
I’m not sure that’s fair. There’s a lot of movies where that’s the case, it’s just more extreme here because the blueprint of the Superman origin is so famous.
Batman Begins: This rich kids parents died and now he’s training to be a ninja
“Oh so the Batman story”
The ninja thing had never been in a Batman film before
It wasn’t a well-known plotline that they stretched out for waaaay too long
(If they use it again in a Batman reboot and it goes on for 40 minutes, then my complaints shall resurface)
“It’s made of an element that doesn’t exist on the periodic table.”
Oh come on how does he know that
He’s not a chemist
Also if something is off the periodic table it’s not going to be stable enough to…-
FLYING MAN FROM SPACE NEVER-MIND
Aaaaand the military glorification has begun
I really like this whole aspect of Superman having to learn to control his anger.
Sort of showing his human side, and the monster he could have been without self-control
Of course he then fucks up the guy’s truck so maybe I’m reading too much into it
Amy Adams was such an awesome choice for Lois Lane
Even beyond the common alliterations in their names
Is the Daily Planet also where Spider-Man works?
Spider-Man works at the Daily Bugle.
Lois Lane, Investigative Journalist.
So many cool ideas in this film. So badly implemented.
Oh hey it’s Toby from The West Wing and Paul from Desperate Housewives.
The crossover would have some pretty major implications if either series was still running
Especially since they just started making out on-screen
Something about the “What if I need to tinkle?” line bugs me
I can’t work out whether it’s humanising an overly-perfect character, or if it’s making sure that a woman can’t be taken TOO seriously
Red-eye Superman looks so evil
Why would the Fortitude of Solitude fight against being turned on?
As in ‘getting activated’, not ‘becoming aroused’
Why the fuck do people always do this in films? If someone is panicking, grabbing them is NOT HELPFUL
Let them flail and stand back, don’t lunge forward and try to grab their arms
Okay here’s my second really big issue with the film (along with the first half-hour being mostly superfluous)
The computer takes on the form, voice, mannerisms, memory and personality of Jor-El
Anyway – at that point, what’s the difference between the computer and Jor-El?
He’s basically attained immortality, hasn’t he?
It just feels like they don’t address that at all.
The Kryptonians invented immortality and it never comes up.
Hey, Fat Morpheus
Are these guys using Windows Phones?
Do you reckon Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists throw it around like that? I totally would
‘You’re saying I forgot to take the trash out? You do realize you’re talking to a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, don’t you?’
Ah here we go. “I’m a shadow of your father – just his consciousness.”
Just, y’know, the thing that makes us alive.
So much of this film is just pretty for the sake of pretty. It actually annoys me.
Hahaha this movie’s messages are so subtle
“We exhausted our natural resources, and as a result our core became unstable.”
Yeah Krypton you, as a planet, really sucked.
Worst planet ever
“What if a child aspired for something greater than the role they were designed to do” is a fine moral, but…not for a Superman film
It’s really nothing to do with the Superman story, mythos, character or theme.
Superman fundamentally represents hope. They’re pushing that now, which is great.
But the Gattaca storyline is better-suited for a film like, say, Gattaca.
Gattaca delivers that story so well, too
Has Superman had a shave?
Best things about this adaptation:
-Reworking the Lois Lane character to be awesome (Pulitzer-prize winning investigative journalist instead of “token woman on newspaper staff”)
-Using the General Zod storyline to give Superman a villain actually worth fighting
-The shots really are gorgeous.
-The, uh casting? I guess
Rename that list “the only good things”
I just realized how I would have fixed that Bus thing from earlier – rather than have Superman coincidentally involved in a huge, only-he-can-save-them accident, have him somehow cause it.
It moves a bit away from the point they were trying to make, but it is just so much TIGHTER as a plot.
Any time you can avoid huge, stupid coincidences, I think you should.
So I’m guessing Superman just doesn’t need oxygen?
Suddenly the scene with Jor-El swimming through the water is retrospectively even stupider.
Clark: “I just want to do something with my life.”
Dad: “So farming, feeding people, that’s not something?”
I think it’s an SMBC comic that pointed out the best way Superman could help humanity would be to just constantly turn a crank and provide infinite power to the earth.
Hang on let me find it
Oh god this the stupidest scene that ever stupided
They’re driving along and they just randomly encounter a hurricane.
First of all, they get out of the car and start running away from it, which
isn’t the most efficient method of escaping.
Secondly, the Dad tells Clark not to go back to save the dog, so that he can do it
He, with his normal human mortality
Thirdly, DON’T RISK YOUR LIFE TO SAVE A DOG
I’m sorry, dog-lovers, but don’t do it!
Fourthly, THE DOG FREAKING LIVES AND THE MAN DIES BECAUSE HE WON’T LET SUPERMAN SAVE HIM
Seriously, fuck this movie
Hey Superman: I’m sorry to break it to you, but your fake Dad deserved to die almost as much as your planet did
Okay fifthly, this emotional story was enough to convince Lois Lane, PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST to drop the case
Lois: ‘He saved a doggy!? I shall immediately stop doing my job!’
Morpheus: ‘I believe you saw an alien, but people would freak out so let’s just drop it.’
These guys are the worst journalists of all time.
Oh my god General Zod is seriously just here for Superman
‘I HATE NEWBORN BABIES’
They’re trying to find Superman to stop the planet getting destroyed, and they’ve gotten to Lois Lane
Lois: “Even if I did know where he was, I wouldn’t tell you!”
Really, Lois? His Dad saves a puppy and you’re suddenly a traitor to the whole human race?
Oh Jesus fuck the Church scene
I’d totally forgotten about the church scene
‘How can we make this white, handsome, all-American male appeal more to our US demographic? CHURCH SCENE’
“What does your gut tell you?”
“Zod can’t be trusted. But I’m not sure the people of earth can be either.”
Okay where is your evidence for ANY of this
Your ghost Dad told you about Zod I guess
But…what does “the people of earth can’t be trusted” mean?
This scene is so full of words delivered so powerfully that actually mean nothing
And now Superman has surrendered to the US Military
Don’t the Transformers do something similar at one point?
“It’s not an S.”
Yeah no that’s pretty definitely an S.
Every line in this film is dripping with meaning that doesn’t exist
Such powerful nothing
“For believing in me.”
NONE OF THAT MEANS ANYTHING.
My big objection to this film has always been that it’s a Transformers sequel featuring Superman.
US Military porn with aliens fighting aliens in ways that smash up buildings.
Except the Lois Lane stuff, it basically has nothing to do with Superman.
You could switch him out with Optimus Prime and have basically the same flick.
Transformers 4 was the first (and only) film I’ve ever fallen asleep in.
I did so 3 times before the end
I love the idea that General Zod negotiates with the US military.
Americans, I love you, but you’re so far up your own dick it’s ridiculous.
Why would this alien woman not just take Lois and fly off? Why give a fuck what the military wants?
Are we seriously meant to believe that the US military poses a legitimate threat to the aliens?
A LOT of Kryptonians survived the death of their planet.
Is this a…dream sequence?
Hey here’s an idea Kryptonians – why didn’t you ALL get sentenced to the Phantom Zone and then you’d still have a freaking population.
Zod: “We were doomed to drift, slowly starving.”
Kal-El: “Then how did you get here?”
Zod: ‘Oh we just built a spaceship. Yeah we just built one. Dunno why we didn’t think of that first.’
I like the Superman II plot more, where there’s four Kryptonians left instead of several dozen
Although apparently in the comics, more just turn up all the time
Haha I would love to see Bizarro Superman appear in a gritty reboot
“ME AM SUPERMAN”
There’s what, 90 years worth of Superman plotlines…why do we always get the same few over and over?
Give us a Superman story that no one’s expecting. Bizarro Superman would be my top pick.
Some of the silver-age stories get pretty weird.
Like Fat Superman and Superman Adopts Jimmy Olsen
Honestly, I think a case could be made for an “Adam West’s Batman” style TV series for Superman
You know what? The discussion on-screen could have resulted in a legitimately interesting choice.
Superman having to choose whether to save the Kryponians or the Humans, because for whatever reason only one can live.
Instead it’s “EVIL GUY” vs “innocent people”, which is a much less tricky moral dilemma
And here’s sort of an inherent weakness in the Superman storylines – Lois Lane can never be involved in fight scenes because the bad guys have to be at Superman’s level
Actually no you know what fuck that
I can think of countless examples where they give the non-superpowered person an obstacle of equal strength
Instead of making it Lois Lane vs Kryptonians, give her that
Because the idea of Lois Lane winning a fight (as she just did) against 8 Kryptonians is fucking ludicrous
The issue with Superman is always that he’s impossibly powered.
As we’ve (hopefully) all learned from Dexter, tension is best-built when your hero is fighting someone of equal – or greater – power.
That’s why seasons 1, 2 and 4 of Dexter each stand head-and-shoulders above the rest put together.
So Superman needs a villain of equal power.
Apparently in the comics, Lex Luthor is smart enough to actually be that villain, but it’s never really translated to film particularly well
(Although I didn’t see the 2003 reboot)
General Zod is great because he’s a fellow Kryptonian, so same powers, AND there’s three of him.
Truly great. (At least in Superman II. Not so much in this one.)
Why do they have the power to read Aunt May’s mind?
Also: why did this film feel the need to recreate Spider-Man‘s plot exactly, with the father-figure dying and the mother-figure etc etc.
Superman stop telling Zod exactly how to focus his senses so he doesn’t get overwhelmed
That will amost certainly come back to bite you in the butt
The first time I saw this, I was so annoyed by the ridiculous amount of property damage that took place in the film
I later heard that it’s all set-up for Lex Luthor – that he comes into his massive amounts of wealth by taking care of the reconstruction after the huge Zod/Superman battle
Which is pretty cool
It’s okay guys, the US Military is here!
Nothing to worry about!
Two more American flags
I haven’t been keeping track, but I suspect that if you have, you’ll be very drunk by now.
Perhaps fatally so.
Superman sees the bullets coming and dodges out of the way.
Zod’s army sees the bullets and just…stand there?
And then get taken down by them?
If bullets could take down a Kryptonian, the Superman mythos would be a lot worse.
I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS
“The fact that you have a sense of morality and we do not gives us an evolutionary advantage”
“Evolution always wins”
EVOLUTION ALWAYS WINS
Holy fuck I had forgotten how stupid this film got
I know, I know, flying man from space.
But – as I emphasized in my Heroes liveblogging – the study of evolution is a huge deal NOW, in American schools.
Pseudoscience like this being thrown around is ACTIVELY HARMFUL
So let’s go!
Having a sense of morality, in all likelihood, DOES give a slight evolutionary advantage – if you’re willing to protect your own species (especially when “against” a species who does not), your species has a higher chance of survival.
Evolution isn’t about individuals, remember – it’s about your species.
If Species A is willing to take care of its own and Species B – without “morality” – is not, then Species A is more likely to suvive.
But I think what the Kryptonian is referring to is actually Superman having empathy for OTHER species, instead of taking care of his own, which in all likelihood DOES give his species a slight evolutionary disadvantage.
But since they’re the SAME SPECIES, it’s ultimately fucking irrelevant.
So her statement is stupid on many levels.
1) She’s defining “morality” in a nonsensical way
2) As they’re two individuals, having an “evolutionary advantage” is mostly irrelevant
3) THEY ARE THE SAME SPECIES
(Note; I am not an evolutionary scientist, just someone who’s interested in the topic)
Second statement: “Evolution always wins”
First of all, blugh urgh bleh blugh
That’s such a stupid mantra it’s difficult to know where to begin
While I’ve been typing, a bunch of Kryptonians had a huge fight with a bunch of people from the US military
For reasons I don’t really understand, NO humans died
Oh that’s right, the Cortex is IN Superman
Apparently his blood cells never regenerate at all
I wonder if it’s in ALL of his cells.
Anyway: evolution always wins.
The context she’s using it suggests that she has MORE evolution than Superman, and so she’s going to win.
A concept that people struggle to understand is that there’s actually no such thing as “more evolved” – if you’ve evolved to survive within your environment, you’re fully evolved.
“Devolved” also doesn’t exist – there’s no “steps backwards”, even though it’s possible to recreate an earlier step that you’d evolved away from.
So what she’s trying to say is “We have an evolutionary advantage over you, and thus our species is more likely to survive than yours.”
Ignoring the fact that they’re still THE SAME SPECIES, and the fact that I rebutted that point earlier, she’s phrased it in the stupidest possible way.
Because the thing is – evolution DOES always win.
The species that can adapt most quickly is going to survive. But that’s not “evolution winning”, that’s a literal description of what evolution IS.
It’s like saying “When you turn on a light switch, electrons will interact in such a way that the lightbulb turns on. ELECTRICTY ALWAYS WINS.”
Two members of the same species fighting it out does not result in “EVOLUTION WINNING”.
I freaking hate that line so much that I think I actually blocked it from my memory.
Anyway, the Kryptonians are trying to terraform earth, and Toby from The West Wing looks like he’s confused as to what he’s doing in this movie.
Also he’s officially been named “Superman” now, which is nice.
Superman, that is.
Not Toby from The West Wing.
That would change the movie quite a lot.
(Almost certainly for the better)
Just to clarify, this “Kryptonians vs Humans” thing has absolutely nothing to do with evolution.
Evolution is genes slowly changing over thousands and thousands of years in response to the environment changing.
Not aliens appearing with a terraforming machine and wiping humans out.
Damn it, Superman, why did you have to tell Zod how to focus his energies so that he doesn’t get overwhelmed without his helmet?
Now he is focusing his energies and not getting overwhelmed without his helmet.
Does Superman need to eat?
I genuinely have no idea if that’s covered in the comics or movies at all.
What on earth is Superman fighting?
Some kind of silver tendrils coming from the alien thing?
Hahahaha oh America
Oh the idea that your jet fighters would have a chance against this spaceship
That’s just adorable
If Superman is struggling against it, why would…you know what, I’m not even mad.
It’s so cute. Someone so desperately needs to believe in the US military. Who am I to take that away from them?
Run, Fat Morpheus, Run!
Yeah I’m going to be honest all these people should be dead
You say that about everyone
Jor-El: “Our people can co-exist!”
Zod: ‘But that will be mildly uncomfortable for a few years!’
I would argue against how dumb that is, but this is the man with the vendetta against a newborn baby.
Oh right of course, the US military managed to get into position before Superman did.
Sacrificing yourself for the whole human race, that I can get behind
For a dog? Less so.
I was sincerely hoping I’d enjoy this film more the second time
“Evolution always wins”
Paul from Desperate Housewives is somehow still alive
Pretty sure he was in like 6 situations where he should have died by now
Zod: “If you destroy this ship, you destroy Krypton.”
Superman: “Krypton had its chance.”
And pissed it away beyond belief. Superman, I am so on your side.
Okay guys I know the key isn’t going in but staring at it doesn’t seem to be doing anything.
No wait staring at it somehow worked?
I think I missed something there.
Yeah okay guys when shooting the Kryptonians didn’t work the first twenty billion times you tried it…
Oh my god they’re literally walking up to her and shooting her in the face.
After ten minutes of shooting at her with a machine gun and it doing nothing.
‘BULLETS SOLVE EVERYTHING’ – America
Man Lois Lane sure fell out of that plane at a convenient time
I like how they keep trying to up the drama by just showing Superman struggling
“Arrrgh!” he screams as veins appear on his face
‘Man,’ the movie-going public thinks, ‘He sure is struggling! It’s almost as if he’s at risk of being injured or failing in some way, ha ha ha.’
‘That is a joke because in a film called ‘Man of Steel‘ the odds are pretty low that anything negative is going to happen to him at all.’
Zod is sad because his race has been destroyed.
Oh my god I just remembered my idea I had for this film
Zod: “I exist only to protect Krypton. That’s the sole purpose for which I was born.”
“And every action I take, no matter how violent or how cruel, is for the greater good of my people.”
“And…I have no people. My soul – that is what you have taken from me.”
That’s a quote he literally just said, right before attacking Superman.
Need I remind you – Superman is now THE LAST OF HIS PEOPLE
Wouldn’t it have been way better/cooler if he had, instead of attacking Superman, pledged his eternal allegiance?
Now, in future Superman films, you’ve got his mentally unhinged bodyguard.
Whenever he faces a threat, he ALSO has to make sure that Zod doesn’t go to extreme measures to prevent the threat from harming him.
Oh my god THAT is a film I want to see.
It makes total sense based on everything we’ve learned so far AND it contains a cool relationship.
But no, instead we get them beating the hell out of each other.
‘Zod, no! Stop murdering puppies!’
‘You don’t understand, Kal-El – they posed a risk to my people.’
‘I’m your people, and no they didn’t!’
‘They were going to pee on your Daily Planet assignment. They had to die.’
^That’s what I want to see
But much less silly
Would have been so much better than this crappy and uninteresting fight scene.
My biggest gripe with fight scenes like that is that they do nothing to show off the characters.
In Serenity, River fights like a ballet dancer and Mal fights like an outlaw – because that’s what they are.
Even in The Princess Bride every fight scene drips with the personality of the characters.
Then you get the big budget action films where it’s all meaningless noise and explosions.
Shits me off.
Main transgressors: this, Transformers
The Care Bears Movie
God damn it I just want to watch the version of this film where Zod pledges his undying allegiance to Superman and Superman is faced with a legitimate moral choice.
Instead of this good guy bad guy, fight-in-space shit.
When ten minutes of fighting has no noticeable effect on either of them, the fight really loses its impact.
Zod: “If you love these people so much…”
Honestly expected him to say “Then why don’t you MARRY them?” for a second.
I looked away for a second and now Zod is dead?
Why is Zod dead?
Superman just did a huge “NOOOOOO!”
I don’t think anyone has done that well in twenty years.
I genuinely can’t remember the last time there was a good “NOOOOOOO” scene.
Either someone just threw a plane at these guy or…oh cool, it was Superman!
Soldier: “How do we know that you won’t one day act against America’s interests?”
Yeaaahhhhhh…you guys know the world has other countries as well, right?
Because it’s lines like that which suggest that you don’t.
Soldier: “What are you smiling at?”
Female Soldier: “I just think he’s kind of hot.”
Again, I feel like these lines have some subtle misogyny running through them. Something about these people – journalists, soldiers – being women FIRST, and their jobs second.
I haven’t really solidified my thoughts on it, but it kind of bugs me. Guys never get the same lines, and there are no women who DON’T get these lines.
It’s like a subtle reminder that these characters are WOMEN and thus not realllllyy as good as a man would be in the same position.
I really love what they’ve done with Lois in this adaptation
She’s just so much cooler than any Lois has ever been
SO many people died in that film.
And all they could do is come up with cheesy one-liners, instead of acknowledging the thousands of people who died.
On second watch, I dislike that movie just as much as I did the first time. 3 to 4 out of 10.
3.5/10, mostly for Lois and for how pretty some of the shots are.
It lost points for so much (complete lack of difficult moral choices always bugs me) but more than anything – EVOLUTION ALWAYS WINS
Fuck me sideways.