Orphan Black: Season 1, Episodes 5-6

:
In early 2015, Peter and his friend Georgia sat down to watch the entirety of Orphan Black season 1 in one day. Or was it…Peter and a clone!?
:
No. It was definitely Georgia. We checked.
:
(Peter was the clone.)
:
orphan black
:
[[Episode 5]]
Peter:
Okay SO all the characters agree that it’s the original cloners who are killing them off
Peter:
Which narratively makes it way more interesting if it’s not
Peter:
Prediction: It’s Art and Paul, working together
Peter:
That’s why Georgia hates them so much.
Georgia:
But how does Helena fit in to that
Peter:
She’s their daughter
Peter:
It’s the only explanation that makes sense
Peter:
Boy-clone is all about caressing Helena’s hair
Georgia:
It’s so lovely
Peter:
This is the first show where that “if you have sex with your clone is it incest or masturbation” question is a genuine issue.
Georgia:
Like ramen noodles, it’s something I’ve definitely considered before
Peter:
Beth is all about the steamy Paul-sex
Georgia:
Everytime I see Paul I get a little bit gayer
Peter:
I talk about this a LOT, but showing female characters who enjoy sex for sex’s sake (and not for manipulation or power or emotional reasons) is SO important
Peter:
Yay show!
Peter:
Fighting the good fight!
Peter:
Admittedly in a way that shows a lot of naked woman but you know what I’ll take it
Peter:
Sarah just had some kind of science-nightmare
Peter:
Intriguing.
Georgia:
Was it a nightmare??
Peter:
Well
Peter:
Nightmare/repressed memory
Peter:
Oh shit!
Peter:
She’s clone-dying!
Peter:
Also she just tried to brush her teeth with what looked like a tracking device
Peter:
Silly Sarah
Peter:
That’s what a toothbrush is for
Georgia:
I track people via toothbrush sometimes.
Georgia:
I use it like a water diviner
Peter:
I’d love it if it turned out Paul was in on it all along
Peter:
And was making reports like ‘So Beth was really obviously replaced with one of her clones today’
Peter:
‘Like she seduced me and it was completely different to every other time I’d ever had sex with Beth’
Peter:
‘Really obviously a different person.’
Peter:
Cosima is doing some SCIENCE wooo!
Peter:
Oh okay the characters are now discussing the possibility of Paul being on it
Peter:
OH MY GOD
Peter:
FELIX COULD BE IN ON IT TOO
Georgia:
Noooo not felix
Peter:
Wait no she’s known him since he was like 3
Peter:
That’s less likely
Peter:
That just leaves Mrs S
Peter:
So Mrs S for Sarah, probably hubby for Alison
Peter:
God, for Helena
Georgia:
Kind of lazy of God, to only monitor 1 clone
Peter:
He works in mysterious and lazy ways
Peter:
“If my blind subject were to become self-aware, it would either be a Eureka moment or I would terminate.”
Peter:
Georgia you know more science than me
Peter:
Is that as nonsensical as it sounds
Georgia:
I know at least ten more sciences than you, and can confidently say that that is solid science.
Peter:
Okay now they explicitly showing Alison’s husband as the plant
Georgia:
The plot moves quickly!
Peter:
Alison: “Why were you in my vanity?”
Peter:
Hubby: “I need…scissors.”
Peter:
He’s as good at covering his tracks as Sarah was when she started.
Peter:
Oh no
Peter:
It’s not Mrs S
Peter:
It’s KIRA
Peter:
She’s the plant!
Georgia:
She’s already the only one who can tell them apart
Peter:
I guess it could be Vic surveilling Sarah
Peter:
As little sense as that makes
Peter:
Oh man Art! What if it was Art instead of Paul!
Georgia:
Well he’s terrible at it
Peter:
That would be an amazing twist!
Peter:
And really explain a LOT of his behaviour
Peter:
Or maybe Beth was the plant!
Peter:
She was spying on HERSELF
Georgia:
You’re getting a little worked up Peter
Peter:
IT IS EXCITING
Peter:
Ooooh, Paul’s workplace is totally empty
Peter:
In a completely non-suspicious way
Georgia:
Except for hottie. Is that the girl from Degrassi???
Peter:
DegrASSi
Peter:
Man that giant mirror on the wall of Paul’s office
Peter:
That certainly couldn’t be anything other than a normal decorative mirror
Peter:
The normal, huge, certainly not one-way-mirror-used-for-spying that every office has.
Peter:
How did they get these people to make the clones fall in love with them?
Peter:
Is every woman’s type encoded in their DNA?
Georgia:
You really don’t know women, do you?
Georgia:
Straight women are the easiest women to make fall in love with you
Peter:
But Georgia
Peter:
The friendzone
Peter:
It’s an unbreachable chasm
Georgia:
No way.
Peter:
Hahaha Alison just found porn
Peter:
Perfect.
Peter:
Paul why would you point out her scar being missing if you are a bad guy
Peter:
Stop being so confusing
Georgia:
He had to double check that the scar existed??
Peter:
Oh man is the whole “someone in their lives watching them” thing completely imagined?
Peter:
That’s the greatest double-twist in the history of TV
Peter:
God I want that to be the case
Peter:
Just for the skilled writing
Georgia:
If a twist is untwisted, is it not then just a … straight thing
Peter:
DOUBLE TWIST
Peter:
SO INTRIGUED
Peter:
I’m so hooked on this show right now
Peter:
Have you seen the “If I told you that, I’d have to kill you” supercuts?
Peter:
Scientist: “What’s in it for me?”
Peter:
Cosima: “Well how about you get to have sex. With yourself.”
Peter:
Cosima is rapidly rising through the ranks
Georgia:
Just you wait until you see her bangin chicks
Georgia:
EVEYRTHING will rise.
Peter:
Hang on why does Cosima wear glasses and none of the others do
Georgia:
Because she’s a scientist
Peter:
I guess if she watched too much TV in darkened rooms as a kid that would do it
Peter:
(That is genuinely why I have to wear glasses)
Peter:
(If you’re watching too much TV, do it in a well-lit room)
Peter:
(Ditto computer usage)
Georgia:
Who knew!!
Peter:
OH NO MORGUE GUY
Peter:
Why would they bring him back if he wasn’t evil?
Peter:
FOR NO REASON
Peter:
THERE IS NO HAPPINESS
Peter:
ONLY BETRAYAL
Georgia:
Because his mother is the moral barometer of the entire show.
Peter:
Sarah: “It’s me this time.”
Peter:
Kira: “I know.”
Peter:
How fucking creepy would it be if she was like “No it’s not. You just think you are.”
Peter:
*dramatic sting*
Georgia:
Kira is the brains behind it all. The Red Queen
Peter:
Mother of clones.
Peter:
Kira: “Is someone trying to hurt us?”
Peter:
I feel like this kid is now TOO clever.
Georgia:
She could afford to lose a few brain cells
Georgia:
Oh my
Georgia:
Mrs S in flannel?
Georgia:
I might die.
Peter:
I love that her standards are so low that jeans and a coat count as “fancy clothes”
Peter:
Cosima wants to get some with Frenchie.
Peter:
Wants to do some Frenching.
Georgia:
“Evo Devo”
Peter:
That is the best possible way of abbreviating evolutionary development
Georgia:
Cosima’s lady boner can be seen from space
Peter:
Cosima I don’t even *see* as being played by the same actor.
Peter:
Like I can’t even admire it she’s so well done.
Peter:
Oh my god I don’t think this series has passed the Reverse Bechdel test
Peter:
That’s amazing.
Georgia:
Here it is!
Georgia:
oh no they’re talking about a woman
Peter:
Oh hey Vic! I totally thought he was gone forever.
Georgia:
I think this is the most men in a single scene, three men in a garage.
Peter:
I had forgotten about the drug-stealing plotline
Peter:
I wonder what they do with the finger they just cut off
Peter:
One can only assume they clone a bunch more Vics
Georgia:
It’s what the world needs.
Peter:
Okay if anyone reading this is considering opening a surveillance store
Peter:
Please call it “Spy Guys”
Peter:
Oh awesome!
Peter:
Vic is about to meet Alison!
Peter:
He just told the kids “Stay in school”
Peter:
Like it was ever a risk with that mother
Georgia:
“Stay in School” could be its own supercut
Peter:
Someone should get on that
Peter:
Yeah, Alison!
Peter:
Pepper-spraying at a distance of like 20mm!
Peter:
(that’s about an inch, Americans)
Georgia:
She handles her business!
Peter:
Man how has this never come up for any of the friends-of-clones before now.
Peter:
What with 30 of them all living in the same city
Georgia:
At least
Peter:
Oh hey they didn’t resolve the metal box
Peter:
I thought we’d know what happened next in that scene
Peter:
But they just cut away and hoped we’d forget about it?
Georgia:
They do tend to tie little things up quickly but it’ll come up again
Peter:
Morgue guy + Felix = OTP
Peter:
Everyone has such a cavalier attitude towards all these clones existing
Georgia:
I don’t think so at all
Peter:
Felix: “Your life always has to be first, doesn’t it?”
Peter:
Like
Peter:
She is a CLONE
Peter:
A scientific impossibility! And also a pretty big deal!
Georgia:
Yeah and he’s been giving it a lot of attention. Then he just wanted one afternoon to himself
Peter:
Oh hey Paul is a “monitor”
Peter:
Presumably not blackboard
Peter:
There’s still room for a double-twist
Peter:
But it’s looking less and less likely
Peter:
Vic is the absolute worst
Peter:
Georgia don’t fall in love with Vic
Peter:
Don’t do it
Peter:
It will not end well
Georgia:
Between him, Paul and Art, I’m glad that men finally have a show where they’re like “Why do all the men have to be awful”
Peter:
You’ve not seen Orange is the New Black?
Georgia:
Ohh. Yep you’re right. But I think more men would watch this than OITNB
Peter:
I dunno. Orange has way more lesbian scenes.
Georgia:
Just you wait, Peter!
Georgia:
Just you wait!
Peter:
Felix: “Is every man in your life a complete wanker except me?”
Peter:
He knows what it’s about.
Peter:
Okay so Alison has found the metal box…but hubby replaced the secrets with porn
Peter:
The same porn, unoriginally
Georgia:
I do the same thing
Georgia:
now I have no secrets, only porn
Peter:
And is burning what is presumably the actual contents of the box
Peter:
But could well just be a bill he doesn’t want to pay
Peter:
(Financial tip: That doesn’t work!)
Peter:
Cosima: “I think that Oliviae guy…he runs Paul. It’s like a double blind.”
Peter:
SCIENCE
Georgia:
Leave some science for the rest of the show, Cosima!
Peter:
Paul is threatening Sarah with a gun
Peter:
Such a sexy guy
Georgia:
You’re just trying to upset me
Peter:
It’s the scene I asked for! He only had suspicions instead of “knowing all along” but I’m giving myself points anyway.
Peter:
Oh man three times in this episode i’ve thought the ad-break was the end-of-episode cliffhanger
Peter:
And each time I’ve wanted to go “Amazing cliffhanger”
Peter:
And then the episode CONTINUES
Peter:
Amazing!
Georgia:
No ads for us! What a time to be alive
Peter:
And two mobile phones each!
Peter:
“She knew you didn’t love her and she couldn’t work out why you wouldn’t leave.”
Peter:
Miiiindfuuuuuck
Peter:
Seriously that would mess you up
Peter:
To the point of killing random elderly Asian women, even
Peter:
Okay THAT was an end-of-episode cliffhanger! And definitely a great one.
Georgia:
If the early season episode ends are this cliffhangery, how will you handle the season finale??
Peter:
Probably by going out and buying season 2 pretty much straight away
Peter:
This is actually reminding me more of Lost than anything.
Peter:
The deeper the rabbit-hole goes, the more people you think are controlling it are just being swept along.
Peter:
I mean as much as you can control a rabbit hole
Peter:
That metaphor fell apart pretty quickly
Peter:
[[EPISODE 5]]
Peter:
Oh man that French chick is going to be a monitor, isn’t she?
Peter:
Economy of screentime and all that
Peter:
Man that’s a pretty high-quality nanny cap
Georgia:
It zooms itself
Peter:
Well no wonder the memory card is full
Peter:
You set it to the highest recording quality
Georgia:
Donnie just clicked at Alison to get her attention.
Georgia:
He’s on the list of men I hate in this show
Peter:
Alison you’re clearly great but just flatly confronting him is a really poor way of handling the situation
Peter:
I can see why you like her
Peter:
She hits dudes with golf clubs
Georgia:
It’s one of my ‘things’!
Georgia:
That, and sexy older women getting me in trouble.
Peter:
Paul is totes coerced! How can you not like him?
Georgia:
Easy. Try it with me: Look at his stupid goddamn face
Peter:
Mmm
Peter:
So chiselled
Peter:
Such a complex relationship
Peter:
Oh THAT’s what a double-blind is!
Peter:
Well I mean it’s not
Peter:
But I can see what they meant now.
Georgia:
Sarah is telling Cosima to stay away from the sexy french girl. Goooood Luuuck
Peter:
Alison putting a helmet on her unconscious husband
Peter:
She’s basically the Bree (from Desperate Housewives) of this show, isn’t she?
Georgia:
She’s so much more interesting than Bree
Peter:
You’re only saying that because she’s a clone
Peter:
That’s just not fair to Bree
Georgia:
If I had a craft room I would totally tape men up in it
Peter:
How could her husband not find scissors??
Peter:
There’s literally a rack of 12 of them right there
Peter:
Alison is totally torturing her husband with a hot glue gun
Georgia:
Would hot glue really hurt that much?
Georgia:
What a wimp
Peter:
Oh I just realized – there’s probably multiple parties at play here
Peter:
The group who run the monitors
Peter:
And then whoever is brainwashing Helena
Georgia:
Poor opening line from Cosima “I’m bored”
Georgia:
Cosima ain’t got no game
Peter:
Frenchie: “You know there’s a lecture today I was going to go to…”
Peter:
‘It’s like a support group for lesbian clones’
Georgia:
I would go to that group.
Peter:
You just want to hook up with a pair of clones
Georgia:
at least a pair
Peter:
Oh who am I kidding, we all do
Peter:
If hubby was innocent this would be the most confusing day of his life
Peter:
“What German? Who’s German??”
Peter:
Stuffing a piece of fabric into someone’s mouth is not an effective way of gagging them. They can just spit it out
Peter:
Really really easily.
Peter:
Oh man Alison’s a pill-popper as well
Peter:
All of the clones must have a weakness to them
Georgia:
Cosima’s is pickup lines
Peter:
as in a weakness to narcotics
Georgia:
clonerules! must be dependent
Peter:
Everyone’s priorities on this show are fucked up
Peter:
Felix just wants to get laid, Alison wants to run a successful potluck
Georgia:
Sarah just wants to drink some soap
Peter:
Neolution sounds like the worst thing ever.
Georgia:
I wouldn’t trust someone called Dr Leakie
Peter:
I can only hope it includes some homeopathy
Peter:
Uh…
Peter:
Dr Leakie: *slight hunch, old-man voice*
Peter:
Audience: ‘That is HILARIOUS’
Georgia:
It was VERY generous laughter
Peter:
Dr Leakie: (to Cosima) Your glasses make you look somewhat…platonic.
Peter:
God, what a dick.
Peter:
I mean first of all it’s okay for women to look “platonic”?
Peter:
Secondly that is not how that word works
Georgia:
Well I read recently that platonic love as plato first used the term was the sexual love between an older man and a young boy
Georgia:
So that makes Leakie’s accusation even more confusing
Peter:
Cosima: “Maybe I’ll just try Lasik?”
Peter:
Audience: *hysterical laughter*
Peter:
This is the easiest crowd ever
Peter:
Oh man Felix truly is the greatest
Peter:
He took all the awesomeness from all the other male characters for himself
Georgia:
Who needs more than Felix though
Peter:
Straight women?
Georgia:
They’re acting like this scientist has groupies. What is this world!
Georgia:
That is the most farfetched part of this entire show
Peter:
They really don’t get science
Peter:
Okay so the amount of time we’re spending on this guy suggests that he’s heavily involved in the cloning
Peter:
Or at least that his institution is
Peter:
Cosima just looted the party!
Peter:
LOOTING: Achieved!
Georgia:
Felix looted the vodka!
Peter:
We saw him drinking from the bottle
Peter:
There’s no evidence that it’s not soap
Georgia:
You can theoretically say that about anything.
Peter:
Can and will.
Peter:
Cosima your one job was to focus on science and not hook up with Frenchie
Peter:
ONE JOB
Peter:
Frenchie: “In France we have a cigarette after a jogging”
Peter:
I don’t know enough about French to know whether that’s true or not
Peter:
But either way it’s stupid
Georgia:
Who understands the French anyway
Peter:
Professor Leekie
Peter:
He has a chip
Peter:
Don: “Please untie me.”
Peter:
Sarah: “I can’t. Until the party’s over.”
Peter:
Don: “I bought mulled wine…”
Peter:
Everyone’s priorities in this show.
Peter:
Fucked.
Georgia:
You don’t live their life Peter. You don’t know how you’d react.
Peter:
I was going to complain about Vic constantly turning up where he’s not wanted
Peter:
But frankly i don’t think there’s anywhere that Vic is wanted.
Georgia:
I really think that everyone should just leave each other alone.
Georgia:
Isolated bubbles for everyone
Peter:
Paul is like “Beth has been leading a double life?”
Peter:
‘How the fuck did she have time for this and her full-time policing job?’
Peter:
Okay Paul meeting Don is the scene I am most excited about, going in
Georgia:
Paul will make it terrible, just watch
Peter:
Surely you don’t hate Paul as much as you hate Vic
Peter:
Surely
Georgia:
I hate him more, actually
Georgia:
No lie.
Peter:
He’s totally improvising that he’s in on it with Sarah!
Peter:
How do you not love that??
Peter:
He’s amazing!
Peter:
And impossibly handsome!
Peter:
Paul is beating up Vic!!
Peter:
The more of this guy I see the more I love him
Georgia:
A fight to the death and the winner gets shot. A fight I can get behind
Peter:
Oh no Chad’s wife thinks that Alison is having an affair
Peter:
Also known as ‘the most boring possible plotline right now’
Peter:
Jesus
Peter:
A nail-gun to the head is a very scary thing
Peter:
Vic: “I don’t know anything, could you please tell him?”
Peter:
She was literally doing that a second ago
Peter:
That’s all she’s done since she entered the room
Peter:
How much clearer could she make it?
Georgia:
If Sarah was smart she’d let Paul kill Vic
Peter:
Agreed!
Peter:
Hahaha this wife character must be so confused
Georgia:
Poor Ainsley.
Peter:
Why on earth would you try to get her on-side with a happy affair? You know she’s being cheated on!
Georgia:
Well what else was she going to say??
Peter:
“I’m a clone!”
Peter:
I don’t believe in lying
Peter:
I would not last long on this show
Georgia:
It’s so great that Donnie went through all that and now he’s back in bed next to her
Peter:
Haha yup
Peter:
Awww it was love-letters from an old fling
Peter:
Donnie is the best
Peter:
The story even has lupus
Peter:
I heart Donnie
Peter:
Now she’s bringing him a coffee
Peter:
Pour the hot coffee onto his back, Alison!
Peter:
He hasn’t been tortured ENOUGH
Georgia:
He’d take it too
Peter:
Haha yes he would
Georgia:
‘Thank you you’re right, my back was too cold’
Peter:
In my mind he has a gambling addiction. I know that they just explained exactly what was in the box, but my guess was gambling addiction and now I can’t get it out of my head.
Peter:
Paul is totes onboard with the clones
Peter:
He’s so great
Georgia:
He’s thinking with his little Paul
Georgia:
Freaky Leakie
Georgia:
*vomit*
Peter:
Frenchie is totally getting licked by Leekie
Peter:
That is one of the least appealing things I’ve ever encountered
Peter:
Episode end!
Peter:
I am literally not aware of anything else that BBC America has done
Peter:
Except that they used to be the only way for people from the US to see Doctor Who
Georgia:
There doesn’t seem to be much of note.
Peter:
This is good, though.
Peter:
Hopefully they do a bunch more shows like this.
Peter:
“Clones”, if you will.
Georgia:
Jesus

Leave a Reply

*