“I hate trees”. Well, American Horror Story is off to a good start.
This show was really popular among the tree-haters of America.
First tree-hater is down
I really wish that he’d been killed by an evil tree so that I could have said “Trees don’t think too fondly of him either”.
Oh right, horror relies on people being either unreliable or creepy.
Everything is half-truths and dead kids.
Main Character Lady, you’re allowed to tell people “Get the fuck out of my house” if they’ve gotten into your house without your consent.
That is allowed.
Dude is running a Psychiatry clinic in a haunted house.
If this weren’t horror that would lead to hijinks and shenanigans.
Creepy housekeeper who warns “Treat this house well or you’ll regret it” when she’s fired. This show is just going all out on horror tropes.
Whoa, now she’s young. And hot.
“I had meds but they kept me up all night”
“How did you solve it?”
“Started taking them in the morning.”
Psychotic in a horror show. They’ve got a lot of plot hooks in this pilot.
You haven’t even met the fairy chef yet.
Did he actually not see how having a psychiatric clinic in the same house he lives in couldn’t have gone poorly? Like, your family has problems and you didn’t escort that guy out. This was only going to end in bad.
Oh neat it’s the tree-hating kids. They are not so alive.
Twenty years dead in fact.
Hot maid: “Why don’t you touch me a little?” Because you cheated on your wife and said that you were going to stop screwing up? That question shouldn’t dumbfound you. Dick.
I’m fairly sure I dislike all of these people.
Cheating husband, rebellious daughter, Main Character Lady, creepy house breaking team, unpleasant school girls.
“I was patient and understanding and caring and I put your feelings first after the miscarriage of our 7th month unborn baby” And then you cheated. This is where it falls apart. The cheating.
The cheating is where it falls apart.
Where did it fall apart?
It wasn’t at her buying a dog.
It was at the cheating.
I’m really not sure that we can be clearer on this.
“this” being where it fell apart
(It was the cheating)
This person’s two solutions for stopping a lady from bullying her are “Murder” and “Convince her you’re a drug addict and then lure her to your house”. Interesting.
In all fairness both of those are effective techniques for preventing bullying.
They were on the worksheet we got given at school.
Oh dear. Gimp suit that was thrown out. Shiiit.
COULD YOU PEOPLE STOP BREAKING INTO THIS HOUSE
IT IS NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE
Oh hey, the psychotic teenager turned out to be… a goblin? Maybe. That was a much more hardcore plan to scare the bully than I expected.
This guy is a smoothtalker. She saw you as a goblin and you almost convinced her otherwise. I would have believed you.
(I am not smart)
‘eeey, main guy is being chased by (chasing?) creepy hat guy
I love hat guy
Oh turns out he wasn’t evil. He’s a good guy.
“Peeking into people’s windows is still a crime, even in LA!” ha! This almost makes up for the cheating.
(It does not)
Creepy hat guy might not be as good as I thought.
He killed… his entire family.
And burned most of his body.
(At least he didn’t cheat.)
Not going to lie I watched the first few seasons of that show and holy shit it is messed up but it is pretty good. So messed up.
Setting the room on fire and then just standing there to watch was the main reason you got burned, bro.
I’m definitely enjoying it so far into the pilot.
I think it was written by acid. Not anyone ON acid…the drug itself.
“Don’t make me kill you again.” Huh, the various creepy women aren’t in cahoots. Didn’t see that coming.
“I think I’m pregnant” You’ve had sex twice in the last year. Once with your husband and once with someone you assumed to be your husband who was probably some other guy in a gimp suit.
My bet on the father is Gimpy.
Also it seemed like him so you don’t get my “cheating” treatment.
Main character man does.
Because of the cheating.
That he doesn’t seem hugely remorseful of.
1968. Cool. Flashbacks in this show have such a good survival rate so far.
“I don’t mean to bother you but I’m hurt and need some help” He’s either going to kill or get killed.
(That’s been my prediction of everyone so far though)
It was Kill!
Oh man, you killed (possibly just knocked unconscious) two people, then you called one of them “Fatty Patty” She wasn’t all that fat. Diiick
Oh christ this guy
I suspect this outfit he’s making her put on is the thing from the cover.
I feel super bad for this lady.
Possibly for the first time in this show.
Everyone else is a dick.
Even fairy chef? 🙁
“Jesus can’t save me” Dude is creepy.
He just…left? That doesn’t sound right.
Nope, brutal backstabbing.
It wasn’t right.
Didn’t show that it was him though, that could be important.
Psychopath patient is a dick.
Cheater is remaining remarkably professional.
I’m going to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a worse psychiatrist in any TV show ever.
Less professional: When he cheated on his wife with a student of his.
I never thought anyone could top Deb’s psychiatrist from Dexter season 7.
But American Horror Story managed.
Oh dear, she is apparently also pregnant
Either this guy is super virile
or he’s averagely virile, and gimpy is averagely virile.
or gimpy is super virile.
Those are my thoughts so far.
Oh god and the psychiatrist from Dexter season 8.
Dexter was frankly impressive for how many awful psychiatrists it had on it.
This bully, while unpleasant, probably didn’t deserve to be attacked by a goblin.
Very few people deserve that.
At least she’s not so dickish now.
He hair is turning white from fear. That doesn’t sound possible, but she searched it up on the internet.
I’m inclined to trust her.
Psychopath character, could you stop with the creepy?
And also everyone who doesn’t live in this house, could you stop being in the fucking house?
I’m not in the house RIGHT NOW.
“This baby is our salvation” What did your wife need to be absolved of, cheater man?
Oh hey, a patient who isn’t Psychopath
second patient had a dream she got cut in half by an elevator in her dream
ooo, she knows about the murders in the house
the most recents ones that is
“I thought you’d left?”
“I got turned around.”
How does this keep happening to you? Stop letting your patients let themselves out.
So far the only character names I remember are Adelaide and… Nate? Tate? Psychopath kid.
Last episode: “Adelaide sometimes spits in her cooking”
This episode: “Spit in this cooking, Adelaide” Adelaide is getting more likeable, Mama Adelaide is going in the opposite direction.
Oh hey, burn man is back.
Cheater: “I cheated on my wife” You don’t fucking say?
“I’m not judging.”
“YOU MURDERED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY”
“At least I was faithful.”
Come on man, she’ll be pissed if you say “The lady I cheated on you with is pregnant” but it’s not like you’ve cheated again. Lying will not help.
Ada-Ma, your peace offering is voided by you letting yourself in.
YOU DO NOT LIVE HER
STOP WITH THE DOING THAT
SHE CAN SMELL PREGNANCY
THERE IS SOMETHING STRANGE GOING ON
In a horror? Twist!
I want to IMDB these actors but I’m worried about spoilers. (Not expecting a high survival rate)
Adelaide survives, that much seems obvious.
Maybe the daughter is the sole survivor.
“Moira and I go way back” This would be much less creepy to the people in the room who don’t know that she murdered her.
Was Moira the lady at the start of the episode?
“Is everybody crazy?” Good question, cheaterman.
I only call him cheaterman because that’s half of what I know about him, not because I’m harping on about it
I’d called him “Psychiatristman” but it took me far too long to spell that out
How are all these people so good at knowing maingirl is pregnant?
Like, creepy neigher (adamum) had supernatural reasons at least
“neigher” jesus xander.
That’s also wrong.
Oh well. Live and let live.
In all fairness she does neigh on an alarmingly regular basis.
MUSIC KEEPS ABRUPTLY STOPPING BECAUSE IT’S ACTUALLY BEING PLAYED IN THE SCENE AND IT CUTS TO A DIFFERENT SCENE
learnt the name of that in highschool and shit
“Us wasn’t meant to be” Cheaterguys ex mistress, I’d believe that more if you hadn’t put on some music, dimmed the lights, and poured some sexy wine
I was unaware there were other ways you could drink wine
Like…with the lights on?
Won’t the wine go sour?
now she’s hormonal
or possibly possessed
Oh right, there’s a dog
oh god I hope nothing horrific happens to that dog
The dog drinks wine that’s been exposed to undimmed light
It gets pretty messy
“Excuse me ma’am I don’t want to bother you but I’m hurt and needing help” OH SHIT THIS HAPPENED EARLIER
And she’s quite fairly acting suss on this
Main Character Lady is gaining survival points quickly
Someone is in the house.
masked people are invading the house
I now understand why the episode is called “House invasion”
30 minutes in though, that’s impressive
wait, is one of them the patient from earlier?
oh dear, the clothing the murder victim from earlier wore
These people are… in a serial killer club?
There was a Sandman storyline exactly like this
it was a good storyline
Tate! You’re here.
Are you gonna be a good guy?
Am I going to have to shed my preconceptions about “good” and “evil” for this show?
Tate is probably my favourite
I looked away for a second, but I think Adaleide is going to save them all
After fairy chef
oh hey! Cupcake from earlier
That cupcake was evil!
“Stomache ache” Oh boy!
oh clever, daughter is convincing them to go to the basement (where Tate is gonna do some murder) by saying the bath that the murders happened in have been moved to the basement
“There’s a bad man next door!”
“I know but he owns the place!”
This show is sometimes funny
sometimes fuuuucked up
It’s by one of the writers of Glee!
Which also seemed to oscillate between funny and really, really messed up
And I guess musical
Oh man that’s horrible! Adaleide’s mother put her in a room full of mirrors when she knows how much she hates how she looks
I actually learned a bunch about Downs Syndrome from watching this
Well not from watching it
But after watching it I did some reading online
It’s nice that it’s not the central focus of her character
Yeah for sure
Tate just put an axe in a lady
Tate is great
How do people even get in this house?
I hope we find out.
There’s gotta be like, a tunnel or something
it just doesn’t make sense otherwise
I don’t want to spoil anything
But it’s possible that there’s a transdimensional portal involved
“Stupid looking uniform, I totally get why he hated nurses” Yes.
That is why.
But certainly possible
She almost got stabbed in the faaace
Instead she beat him to death with a shell
Is Tate a ghost?
The ghost of a creepy murderer?
Oh hey, the boy from 1968 is here
That… seems like something someone (maybe the police) would have noticed
she’s also not dead, decayed, or aged
which is strange
Oh hey, second ghost from the murders at the start of the episode
So, it looks like the format of this show is going to be “This fucked up thing happend x years ago in the house”
“Now it’ll happen again maybe ish”
actually no, that doesn’t make sense
It’s more like a constant stream of fucked-up-ness
With occasional musical numbers
The kids killed in the first episode died differently to this episode
Nate is in cahoots with Moira and Neighbour!
I should have seen that coming much more than I did
“Even in a town this big people don’t just disappear” I suspect that is going to be proven false many times before this series ends.
“No you’re not. We’re selling this house”
Probably for the best!
Nothing good has happened in it up to this point.
Granted, only about 80% of that is the fault of the house
oh hey! Young Moira
She slept with a previous house owner
who is now raping her
She has a gun!
She stopped the rape by shooting a window
She killed Moira!
You did a way better job of remembering Moira’s name than I did
Everyone is so young
Neighbour has shot her husband!
For the cheating
Apparently she used to just live in the house
not the next house over
probably because of all the murder
That or she just really hates loud noises
loud noises and cheating
wow, she shot Moira right in the eye
that is a good shot
Aaand modern day
Looks like Cheaterbloke (new-timey cheater, not old-timey) has fucked up and made them lose a lot of money
so they can’t sell the house
I suspect he is lying
due to being possessed
“We should rent somewhere”
“What do you want me to do?”
Rent somewhere so your wife doesn’t have to live in the house she was held hostage and almost killed? She really couldn’t have been more clear.
‘Are you trying to communicate?’
‘I don’t understand. Do you want…food?’
‘Oh! I get it! I love you too, honey.’
“You’re having PTSD. This is a totally normal response” I know that money might be tight but it really feels like leaving the house might be a good move for her
she is pregnant
and was almost killed
“Don’t lie to me again or we’re through” Good thing it’s not retroactive, otherwise that would suuuck
I try to ensure all my threats are watertight, to avoid exactly this kind of loophole
Sometimes I’ll bring lawyers in at the drafting stage.
This show has really cool opening titles
just showing all the creepy stuff in the basement
The noises are a bit annoying, but serve a purpose
I watched through this with my friend Kate
Who has an adorable small child
She doesn’t cope well with:
Things happening to adorable small children
And so the opening titles were actually one of the bits she struggled with the most
Oh hey, real estate agent is back
Haha, they only have to mention deaths on the property in the last 3 years
real estate agent lucked out on that
(a lot of people have died here)
‘eeey, modern day sexy young moira
Man she’s hot
she is indeed attractive
(When she’s being looked at by cheaterguy at least)
(Otherwise she’s old)
Although I really struggle to see her as anything other than “Barney’s mum”
From How I Met Your Mother
“You’re a shitty maid” You killed her, but you don’t have to be like that
She’s stealing from the house and trying to frame it on the maid
succeeding, in fact
Why can these people not leave?
Like, Moira is dead
but why neighbour?
It’s a ONE-WAY teleporter!
Fairy chef uses it to bring ingredients into the house
To be used as ingredients
Oh right, she doesn’t have the eye because it’s where she was shot
that makes sense
Maybe this one won’t be casing the joint
maybe he’ll fucking show this one how to leave
She is boring.
Her husband is leaving because of it.
Cheaterguy is suddenly outside
with blood on his hands
and some grass missing in front of him
and moira is cleaning up some blood
He really is the worst psychiatrist eva
Moira is not letting up on this seduction thing
haha, because he sees her young but no-one else does he looks crazy
“Just toss me out like a piece of trash” They’re broke, they’re allowed to fire you
“Don’t try to fire me with unjust cause” The cause is they can’t afford it
I dunno man
America’s laws are crazy
aaaaaand tourists coming to the murder house
America’s laws: Crazy like they were just unwell and then they came to the WORST PSYCHIATRIST EVER and he made them legitimately crazy
Where does daughter keep getting these cigarettes?
Tate just appears out of the woodwork sometimes
Oh boy, it’s pregnant ex-mistress
“I just wanna talk.” PEOPLE
Xander have you ever had an affair with an older married psychiatrist? You can’t just ring them whenever you want
Actually probably don’t answer that
She didn’t have the abortion, she’s now blackmailing him
She’s suddenly the least likeable character
(Not for not having the abortion, for the blackmail)
Oh hey, detective is coming to be like “Patient you probably murdered has disappeared”
I suspect it’s because he murdered her
oo! Detective sees Moira as young girl
Someone just got stabbed to death in an alleyway
that’s not the house
What a surprise!
ooo, backstory of the first person to live in the house
and an explanation for all the embalmed stuff in the basement
I had a brief thought wondering why it didn’t go off
I am not smart
He was stitching two pigs together and adding bat wings to it
You gotta have a hobby
“You think I came all the way over here from Philadelphia?” I wish more things were set in Australia, where everywhere is either “A major city which are hundreds of kilometres from each other” or “A minor city which is hundreds of kilometres from anything else in existence”
You can pretty much forget midsized places like Toowoomba
Inviting a patient over, “You better not be blotto”
someone dies here
and I’m not just saying that because he’s the first person to live in “The murder house”
Is he a backstreet abortionist?
Possibly a plastic surgeon?
Plastic wasn’t even invented then
Let alone used in surgery
“No moving while you’re moving. Moving, Death, Divorce. These are the three most stressful things” I don’t think you understand the degree to which she was held hostage and almost murdered in that house
it’s above average
Yeah I feel like “almost getting murdered” is actually more stressful than moving.
No moving while you’re pregnant*. Moving while you’re moving is par for the course.
“Being forced to live in the house where you were almost murdered” has got to rank pretty high
Her doctor is still a better doctor than her husband is a psychiatrist
(he is a very bad psychiatrist)
“I like it when you don’t run. Makes it easier to keep up” oh burnman.
Ha! He’s trying to rehearse lines.
And now he wants to borrow $1k for headshots
If you weren’t really creepy and murdered your entire family I’d like you quite a lot
Has he just murdered another person?
That’s not a good thing
Gotta have a hobby
oh hey, it’s another person from a flashback showing up
This one got a backroom abortion
She seems sad
Is she trying to convince mainlady to stay?
I don’t know what many of these characters are called.
haha, she’s confused by things that are different from when she was there
oh hang on, I think she’s actually the wife of the first guy to live here
No wonder she’s confused by all the changes
“I had a child once”
and a bullet hole on the back of your head
The two don’t always come in tandem
She was particularly unlucky
(in case anyone reading this was really worried about having children and its effects on the back of your head)
This show isn’t scary, but it’s compelling
Apparently season 2 gets scarier
Oh hey, boring patient isn’t dead
“It’s not a crime to be an asshole” This guy took time out of his day to say that
Here’s the thing though
I feel like it IS a crime to be a medical professional
And have someone put their mental well-being in your hands
And then sort of convince them to kill themselves
Like I know he didn’t say anything, just responded with silence and disinterest
But yeah I feel like there are legitimate legal repercussions to that
(or at least should be)
Daughter is calling them out on not dealing with their shit
okay now she’s saying they should stay in the house
I don’t agree
She said wacked out
This show is set modern day
Gee willickers, I bet this funky kitten gets all the hip dudes
She’s having a wizard time
“I know how to leave so you’ll never find me” according to the guy from earlier people don’t disappear in LA
Yes but how much do you trust guy from earlier?
oh right, Pregnant-Ex-Mistress had a meeting planned with cheaterguy
now she’s pissed because he forgot about it
I also forgot, to be honest
He is having a bad day
YOU CAN’T JUST BEAT PEOPLE TO DEATH WITH SHOVELS
I mean, it solves a lot of other problems
Problems that could have turned this show into a soap rather than a horror series
Burnman definitely falls on the evil side of things
no Adelaide this episode
Burnman is taking care of the body
Burnman is a bro
“Hey Ben, I could really use that thousand bucks” oh burnman.
Haha, he found a body buried where he was going to bury the body
I hate it when that happens
Looks to be Moira
Old Moira is watching this and crying
Oh shit, he’s building a deck over it with concrete which apparently means Moira is stuck here forever
I feel sad for her
but she’s kind of evil
A few seconds ago I laughed that they found a body
didn’t even question it until just then
The house is getting to you