Game of Thrones, Season 1: Episodes 1-2

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In June/July 2014 (four years late to the party) Elizabeth finally watched through Game of Thrones. Aware of her squeamishness, her brother Xander (who’s seen the show) and friend Anne (who’s also read the books) thought it might be amusing to see her reactions as she watched. This is the transcript of that experience: it contains many spoilers and not much coping.
:
game of thrones
Elizabeth:
Okay, sitting down to watch Game of Thrones for the FIRST TIME EVER.
Anne:
Haha
Anne:
BRING IT ON
Xander:
Knowing what happens we get to be totally smug
Xander:
HEY ANNE
Xander:
HOW ABOUT THE THING
Xander:
THE THING THAT HAPPENS
Anne:
Oh man, that thing
Anne:
That most shocking of things
Anne:
Have you managed to avoid all spoilers Elizabeth?
Elizabeth:
I have experienced no spoilers!
Xander:
That’s…actually pretty impressive.
Xander:
 
Xander:

[[Episode 1]]

Elizabeth:
Snow! I love snow! I wish it snowed here
Xander:
Snow! Yay!
Elizabeth:
EW EW EW EW
Xander:
Anti-yay?
Elizabeth:
SEVERED HEADS EVERYWHERE
Elizabeth:
And other body parts
Xander:
Oh dang
Xander:
That is unfortunate
Anne:
Artfully arranged though, no?
Elizabeth:
Yeah, to make it freakier
Elizabeth:
Hey mocking guy, dead bodies are worrying, don’t be so dismissive
Xander:
Pull yourself together Elizabeth
Elizabeth:
Oh dear
Elizabeth:
The body parts are gone
Elizabeth:
Not a good sign
Elizabeth:
Cannibals? Zombies? Artists unhappy with their work?
Elizabeth:
EW IS THAT INTESTINES
Elizabeth:
First death!
Elizabeth:
Creepy little girl
Elizabeth:
Dude
Elizabeth:
That’s gross
Elizabeth:
I like this opening!
Anne:
Yes you do
Elizabeth:
I feel I know the name Sean Bean
Xander:
Yes you do
Anne:
Boromir!
Anne:
Also everything else
Elizabeth:
Oh, right, cool
Elizabeth:
Haha, “Winterfell”
Elizabeth:
N’aww, I like Sean Bean
Elizabeth:
The girl made the shot!
Elizabeth:
What fun times
Anne:
Said a watcher of GoT, for the last time
Elizabeth:
No, I reeeeaaally don’t need to see more beheading
Elizabeth:
EURGH
Xander:
Was there a beheading?
Xander:
It sounds like there was a beheading
Anne:
So many beheadings
Elizabeth:
They beheaded the deserter
Elizabeth:
I like that – the man who passes the sentence should be the man who swings the sword
Elizabeth:
I suspect the white walkers will be relevant
Xander:
FORESHADOWING
Elizabeth:
Ugh, I have to see dead deers too?
Elizabeth:
EWW
Anne:
The Starks have some good sayings
Anne:
Wise people, the Starks
Elizabeth:
They do seem pretty smart.
Elizabeth:
Although their saying is “winter is coming” and they live in a place called “Winterfell”
Elizabeth:
That’s pretty silly.
Xander:
Heh
Elizabeth:
That’s a lot of innards on the outards
Anne:
You will see a lot of dead everything babes
Elizabeth:
PUPPIES
Xander:
PUPPIES
Elizabeth:
Nooo, don’t kill the puppies!
Elizabeth:
Listen to the man, keep the puppies
Elizabeth:
Whee! Puppies!
Elizabeth:
So cute!
Elizabeth:
Mister Not-a-Stark seems nice
Xander:
Who?
Elizabeth:
His last name is Snow
Elizabeth:
A Snow White puppy for Snow
Elizabeth:
This show is the best
Elizabeth:
Creepy eye stones
Elizabeth:
That castle looks weirdly futuristic
Elizabeth:
Ooh, pretty forest
Elizabeth:
More puppies?
Elizabeth:
Wait, where did the snow go? Has time passed?
Anne:
What happened?
Elizabeth:
When they were outside earlier, there was snow. Now there’s not.
Xander:
Are they inside?
Elizabeth:
Haha, no
Elizabeth:
I’m not 100% certain who these people are
Elizabeth:
Is that Papa Puppy Giver?
Anne:
Welcome to experiencing the first few episodes
Elizabeth:
Papa Puppy Giver is called Ned, apparently
Anne:
Exposition will happen in a minute
Elizabeth:
And long reddy brown hair lady
Elizabeth:
I think it’s his wife
Elizabeth:
Mister Not-A-Stark is having very dangerous looking shaving times
Elizabeth:
“He’s never met a girl he likes more than his own hair”
Elizabeth:
hehehe
Anne:
I see you’ve met Jon
Elizabeth:
Little puppy dude! Bran?
Elizabeth:
Off on an adventure!
Elizabeth:
Ugh, so much castle, this show is the best
Elizabeth:
I am also enjoying all of the horses
Elizabeth:
Beast helmet!
Anne:
The Hound!
Elizabeth:
This king be craaazy
Xander:
He’s played by the guy from The Full Monty
Elizabeth:
Wait, WHAT?!
Elizabeth:
He looks so different!
Xander:
He a king now
Xander:
Ironically, he’s also the sole character who remains clothed on camera
Elizabeth:
Little helmet girl is cool
Anne:
Who?
Elizabeth:
She’s a little girl in a helmet
Elizabeth:
Sort of small, female, wearing a helmet
Xander:
Still not with you
Elizabeth:
Hmm, I wonder who smug looking blonde boy is?
Anne:
Joffrey
Xander:
Everyone’s favourite character
Elizabeth:
Right, ta.
Elizabeth:
I think more people should bow when I come to visit their castle
Xander:
I think you should visit more castles
Elizabeth:
True
Elizabeth:
Oh great!
Elizabeth:
This guy is helpfully naming people
Elizabeth:
Little helmet girl’s name is Iron?
Elizabeth:
A month is a long time to be riding
Elizabeth:
I thought the two hours to Brisbane was far
Elizabeth:
WAS THAT A SWEAR?!
Elizabeth:
Hehe, “I’m not trying to honour you, I’m trying to get you to run my kingdom.”
Elizabeth:
Haha, “I have a son, you have a daughter…” I can do that maths!
Elizabeth:
Hey, Peter Dinklage!
Xander:
Also from The Full Monty!
Xander:
He’s changed, man
Xander:
He’s changed
Elizabeth:
Whoa, what was that lady doing?
Elizabeth:
Why is she wearing no clothes?
Elizabeth:
There is a lot of nudity going on right now
Elizabeth:
I suspect Peter Dinklage is the imp they are talking about
Elizabeth:
Haha, barge in, have a drink, send in more whores
Elizabeth:
that is a weird friendship (brothership?)
Elizabeth:
Land of the blonde?
Elizabeth:
Just casually strip that lady, no big deal
Elizabeth:
I am confused as to whether these people are siblings or not
Xander:
That’s just a risk you run when you watch GoT
Anne:
…they probably are
Elizabeth:
Yeah, they siblings
Elizabeth:
I suspect I am going to see a lot of breasts and bottoms in this show
Xander:
It’s always possible
Elizabeth:
Still, I guess it’s better to see breasts and bottoms on alive naked people
Elizabeth:
Rather than just lying around.
Elizabeth:
Artfully arranged.
Elizabeth:
The nudity is surprisingly progressive.
Elizabeth:
I have now seen the same number of man breasty bits as lady breasty bits
Elizabeth:
Whoa, who’s this weird blonde guy
Elizabeth:
“Is it true they lie with their horses?”
Elizabeth:
“I wouldn’t ask”
Elizabeth:
I like him
Anne:
Does weird blonde guy have a name?
Elizabeth:
 His sister’s name is long and starts with D
Elizabeth:
Lady, that shirt is a bit thin
Elizabeth:
Whoa! More swearing! And an inappropriate number of people and horses he will let sleep with his sister
Xander:
Viserys and Daenerys
Anne:
Oh god
Anne:
She likes Viserys
Elizabeth:
He is fun!
Anne:
Fun?!
Anne:
I can’t believe you like Viserys.
Elizabeth:
Joffrey is a name I have heard
Elizabeth:
Red headed girl is saying “it’s the only thing I ever wanted”
Elizabeth:
that is not a little thing, that is wanting to be the future queen
Elizabeth:
I like Jon Snow (I think that is his name, bastard son dude)
Elizabeth:
He seems nice
Anne:
Yes. He’s a good egg that one
Elizabeth:
Guys, you don’t have to keep calling him a bastard
Elizabeth:
Even if you are giving advice
Elizabeth:
And are the queen’s brother
Elizabeth:
N’aw, “all dwarves are bastards in their father’s eyes”
Elizabeth:
Whoa, you don’t just ask about a girl’s first period
Elizabeth:
Little girl throwing food, I love you
Anne:
Arya?
Elizabeth:
That would make more sense than Iron
Anne:
Haha
Elizabeth:
Hehe, D-long name is appreciating getting snakes for presents
Elizabeth:
More lady-breasts
Xander:
“Dany” is what most call her
Elizabeth:
Whoa
Elizabeth:
I think there is more than cuddling going on
Elizabeth:
D-long name I sympathise with your plight
Elizabeth:
Did they just kill a guy?!
Elizabeth:
Three deaths or it is dull
Xander:
Sounds like a Hayward gathering
Xander:
eyo!
Anne:
Haha
Elizabeth:
Books for presents, much better
Elizabeth:
Dragon’s eggs! How cool
Elizabeth:
Oh, poor Dany looks so scared
Elizabeth:
Hey! She just got a pet horse!
Elizabeth:
Or, well, not a pet
Elizabeth:
Dany and her husband having matching horse and hair colour
Elizabeth:
Oh lamb
Elizabeth:
you poor love
Elizabeth:
There is constant nudity, sex and death, why do I keep being surprised by the swearing?
Elizabeth:
Bran! Don’t fall!
Elizabeth:
Or watch people have sex, ew
Elizabeth:
Oh my gosh, so much sex
Elizabeth:
I don’t know who these people are, but I suspect they were not meant to be sleeping together
Elizabeth:
PUSHING THE LITTLE KID OUT THE WINDOW WAS NOT THE SOLUTION
Elizabeth:
IS THAT KID NOW DEAD?!!??!!??!
Elizabeth:
I AM FEELING TRAUMATISED RIGHT NOW
Elizabeth:
What!? You can’t end the episode there!
Anne:
THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO WATCH MORE
Elizabeth:
…will that improve things?
Anne:
In some ways
Anne:
Not in others
Xander:
The two having sex have something in common, I’ll say that
Elizabeth:
They aren’t related? That’s not what you mean, right?
Anne:
Erm…
Anne:
Well
Elizabeth:
Maaaaan
Elizabeth:
Ugh, I am watching more
Xander:
haha
Anne:
Haha
Anne:
She has been sucked in
Elizabeth:
This show is the worst
Elizabeth:
I think I need more tea
Anne:
Always more tea
Anne:
 
Anne:

[[Episode 2]]

Elizabeth:
I have acquired more tea. Let’s do this.
Elizabeth:
That is a lot of horses
Xander:
3 horses?
Elizabeth:
Up to three, easily
Elizabeth:
Possibly even more
Elizabeth:
Poor little Dany, she is really not coping
Elizabeth:
Viscery continues to be adorable
Elizabeth:
Viseries
Elizabeth:
Her brother
Anne:
You are a twisted woman
Elizabeth:
Puppies!
Elizabeth:
Ugh, sounds a lot like little kid is definitely dead
Elizabeth:
I am glad Jaime is slapping prince dude, he was being a jerk
Anne:
Jaime slaps him?
Anne:
Ohhh we are getting names mixed up I think
Anne:
Tyrion is the dwarf
Elizabeth:
Oh, yeah, he was the one slapping prince dude
Anne:
Jaime pushed Bran out of a window
Elizabeth:
With you
Elizabeth:
Yeah, it looks a lot like people sleeping together were the king’s wife and her brother
Anne:
…yeah
Elizabeth:
That’s creepy man
Elizabeth:
This family is not cool
Elizabeth:
Except Peter Dinklage
Elizabeth:
He’s pretty cool
Anne:
Tyrion is our fave
Elizabeth:
…does Tyrion know about the sleeping together of his siblings?
Elizabeth:
BRAN MIGHT LIVE?!!!??
Elizabeth:
Oh my gosh I want Bran to live so much
Elizabeth:
Please don’t plot to kill Bran
Elizabeth:
Name of queen?
Xander:
Cersei
Xander:
Pronounced “Sir-say” or “Sir-see”
Anne:
Sair-see I thought
Anne:
Although my accent
Elizabeth:
Well we can’t all be British
Xander:
They say all three at some point or another
Xander:
Sometimes simultaneously
Elizabeth:
Queenie-face seems to be trying to make out that she doesn’t want Bran to die
Elizabeth:
Despite the fact that she definitely does want him to die.
Elizabeth:
This does not bode well
Elizabeth:
Jaime seems to be up to mischief
Elizabeth:
N’aww, puppy!
Elizabeth:
Arya and Jon Snow are the best
Anne:
Yes they are!
Elizabeth:
Jon gave Arya a sword!
Elizabeth:
Guys! Don’t hug while holding swords! Bad plan!
Elizabeth:
Aww, they are so cute!
Elizabeth:
When she grows up she should definitely marry him
Anne:
…related.
Elizabeth:
Oh….
Anne:
Don’t tell me they indoctrinated you already
Elizabeth:
No!
Elizabeth:
Scrap that!
Anne:
Haha
Elizabeth:
I got confused who was who…
Elizabeth:
So is she his sister?
Elizabeth:
That seems to be okay in this world
Xander:
Jon is the bastard son of Ned
Elizabeth:
I knew that, I didn’t realise Arya was a Stark too
Anne:
Arya is a Stark, daughter of Ned and Catelyn
Elizabeth:
There are a lot of them
Anne:
Yeah
Xander:
She was the one who shot the arrow!
Elizabeth:
I know who she is!! They just didn’t say she was a Stark!
Elizabeth:
I thought she was just part of another family!
Anne:
Basically everyone in Winterfell right now is either a Stark or a royal (Baratheons)
Anne:
Apart from Theon the captive, who is a Greyjoy
Elizabeth:
I see
Elizabeth:
So it redhead who wants to be queen is also a Stark?
Anne:
Yes
Anne:
Sansa
Elizabeth:
Ta
Elizabeth:
Who is Theon?
Xander:
You’ll get to know him soon
Anne:
I had no idea for a while who anyone was
Anne:
You get there eventually
Elizabeth:
Older boy Stark seems nice
Xander:
Robb
Anne:
I love him
Elizabeth:
Apart from accidentally wanting to marry off siblings, I’m not doing too badly
Elizabeth:
Look, I’m not totally clear on medieval customs, but I’m pretty sure if the king asks you to do something, you do have to do it
Elizabeth:
Awww, Papa Stark just told Jon he was his son and it was lovely
Elizabeth:
And he’s going to tell him about his mother
Elizabeth:
Mama Stark seemed to not like Jon
Elizabeth:
That makes a lot of sense
Elizabeth:
What with the tangible proof of her husband sleeping with someone else
Anne:
Yeah
Elizabeth:
The king is a class act
Anne:
Haha that he is
Xander:
Robert
Xander:
yeah
Elizabeth:
No, Ned is right to feel guilty for cheating on his wife
Elizabeth:
Even if it did produce sweetie-pie Jon
Elizabeth:
Dude, the king is a dick
Xander:
Robert
Xander:
yeah basically
Elizabeth:
Oh Dany
Anne:
This is the beautiful world of GoT where people can be simultaneously dicks and class acts
Elizabeth:
I was being sarcastic when I called him a class act
Elizabeth:
He really really really isn’t
Anne:
Oh man now I am questioning my remembrances of him sometimes being a class act
Anne:
AND YET YOU LIKE VISERYS
Elizabeth:
HE IS JUST NORMAL ENJOYABLE VILLAINY
Elizabeth:
Robert is just gross
Elizabeth:
Is Jon Snow on the watch?
Xander:
No, the people of the Night’s Watch are even further north
Elizabeth:
Right, right
Elizabeth:
It’s just Tyrion is talking about being on the watch to Jon
Xander:
Jon is considering it
Xander:
A lot of bastards do
Xander:
not many dwarves
Elizabeth:
Heeey! Bran’s not going to die!
Elizabeth:
Who is the six year old Stark?
Anne:
Rickon
Elizabeth:
Robb seems lovely
Elizabeth:
Nooo! Don’t kill Bran!
Elizabeth:
Or Mama Stark!
Elizabeth:
No no no
Elizabeth:
Go dog go!
Elizabeth:
Oh phew
Elizabeth:
Ewwwwww
Elizabeth:
Ugh, skinning rabbits, that’s yucky
Xander:
Silly rabbit, skinning is for kids
Xander:
wait
Xander:
shit
Elizabeth:
Haha, silly girl, thinking moon is egg when it is clearly goddess, wife of sun
Elizabeth:
“I was 9 when my mother sold me to the pleasure house, but don’t worry, I didn’t touch a man for three years”
Elizabeth:
Because 12 is a way better age
Elizabeth:
Mama Stark is doing some investigation
Xander:
Detective Stark
Elizabeth:
Detective Stark is all over this plan
Elizabeth:
She has thought of everything
Anne:
Like an intense sniffer dog
Elizabeth:
Religion in this show: different groups, different beliefs? Or all roughly the same?
Xander:
a few different
Xander:
The old gods, who are the tree-faces
Xander:
the new gods, who are pretty forgettable
Xander:
and the drowned god, who is my favourite
Xander:
and some others maybe
Elizabeth:
Dany is doing some learnings
Anne:
The new Gods are seven Gods, the number gets mentioned a lot
Xander:
The drowned god priests have to be drowned and resuscitated for ordainment
Xander:
and their motto is “What is dead may never die”
Xander:
They’re the raddest bunch
Elizabeth:
First boy-bottom!
Xander:
Whose?
Elizabeth:
Dany’s husband
Xander:
Khal Drogo?
Elizabeth:
Also known as “Mr Dany”
Elizabeth:
Haha, giving her booze and calling her a princess
Elizabeth:
blondie brat you are a smooth operator
Xander:
Oh Blondie Brat
Xander:
so smooth
Elizabeth:
Eww, don’t go stabbing butcher’s boys
Xander:
Oh Blondie Brat
Xander:
so stabby
Elizabeth:
Whoa, that was not a nice thing to call someone
Xander:
What was it?
Elizabeth:
A cunt
Elizabeth:
Not nice at all
Elizabeth:
Blondie brat is such a sook
Xander:
Oh Blondie Brat
Xander:
such a sook
Elizabeth:
Arya continues to be awesome though
Xander:
Every scene with him you’ll find something more to love
Elizabeth:
Is Joffrey blondie brat?
Xander:
I believe so
Xander:
Unless I’ve gotten very confused
Elizabeth:
Oh no, Red-head Stark is not the witness you want
Elizabeth:
Arya you are not helping your case
Elizabeth:
No wonder blondie brat is such a sook with the way his mother carries on
Elizabeth:
At least Robert is actually being classy now
Elizabeth:
Like classy for real
Elizabeth:
Ugh, Queenie pants, you don’t need to kill redhead’s wolf
Elizabeth:
I DON’T LIKE QUEEN STUPIDHEAD
Elizabeth:
I was just about to ask who is long haired guy giving redhead a cuddle, but that is probably too vague for you
Elizabeth:
Or too specific
Anne:
I mean it could be Ned?
Anne:
Or Robb?
Anne:
(My love)
Elizabeth:
The puppies were the the best part of this show, don’t start killing them off
Elizabeth:
Papa Stark? He left to kill puppy stark
Elizabeth:
Nooooooo!
Elizabeth:
I thought Robb stayed back with Detective Stark
Anne:
Ok not sure who long haired hug was then
Xander:
John Lennon?
Elizabeth:
Bran’s eyes opened!
Elizabeth:
MAYBE THIS WON’T BE THE WORST SHOW EVER
Xander:
So is that end of ep 2?
Elizabeth:
Yeah
Elizabeth:
So: Stark family – Papa Ned Stark, Detective Stark, Robb, red-head, Arya, Bran, six-year-old and Jon Snow
Anne:
Yes
Xander:
Ned, Catelyn, Robb, Sansa, Arya, Bran, Rickon, Jon Snow
Xander:
yes
Xander:
I love some of the nicknames that come out of this show
Xander:
I knew one character as “Boobs-boobs” for an entire season
Elizabeth:
Blondies: Visery and Dany, Mr Dany plus some advisor whose voice is very familiar
Elizabeth:
King Robert, Queenie, Joffrey the blondie brat, Jaime and Tyrion
Elizabeth:
Plus five puppies whose numbers are slowly dwindling despite being the best characters in the show
Xander:
Okay: Mr Dany is Khal Drogo.
Xander:
Puppies are Squeakers, Meekers, Bleakers, Cheekers, and Sir Samuel Shoulderton Fourth.
Elizabeth:
… One of them is definitely named Lady and also definitely dead
Elizabeth:
Now: crown Visery has his eye on, is it Robert’s? Or a different crown entirely?
Xander:
It’s the crown to Westeros, yes
Xander:
Any time someone mentions the crown or the Iron Throne that’s what they mean
Elizabeth:
So currently Robert is winning?
Xander:
Yes!
Xander:
20 years prior he had a rebellion
Xander:
Called “Robert’s Rebellion”
Xander:
They threw out the Targaryens who ruled supreme for centuries
Elizabeth:
And Papa Stark fought in that rebellion?
Xander:
Yes! Him and Robert were totally bros
Elizabeth:
Who are the Targaryens? The Blondies?
Xander:
Dany and Viserys are the only surviving Targaryens IIRC
Elizabeth:
Right
Anne:
I could probably summon actual puppy names if you wanted?
Elizabeth:
If you like
Anne:
Robb: Grey Wind. Jon: Ghost. Sansa: Lady. Arya: Nymeria. Bran: Summer. Rickon: Shaggy Dog
Elizabeth:
Shaggy Dog!
Xander:
Rickon is 6
Elizabeth:
Rickon sounds like the best
Xander:
Rejected names include: Squeakers, Meekers, Bleakers, Cheekers, and Sir Samuel Shoulderton Fourth
Elizabeth:
You mean SECRET UNDERCOVER CODE NAMES DETECTIVE STARK ASSIGNED THEM
Xander:
Thoughts from Episode 1 & 2?
Elizabeth:
I like it!
Xander:
Yay!
Anne:
Yay!
Anne:
 

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