American Horror Story, Season 1: Episodes 10-12

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In April of 2014 Xander was unemployed, jobless, and generally without a profession. At the recommendation of Netflix he marathoned the first season of American Horror Story over a weekend, posting his thoughts as he had them onto a single Facebook status. The following transcript is from this event, and contains many, many spoilers.
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AHS 1-3
:
[[Episode Ten]]
:
AHSS1E10-1
Xander:
1994
Xander:
The year of the school shooting
Peter:
Also: my first kiss!
Peter:
The show doesn’t cover that in as much detail, unfortunately
Xander:
Oh hey, Tate is also based on a real person
Xander:
who shot up a school that year
Xander:
I wonder how many of these people are real?
Xander:
I’m being careful looking things up for fear of spoilers
Peter:
I don’t want to give anything away
Peter:
But Jessica Lange is real
Peter:
They didn’t come up with her for the show
Peter:
(I’ve said too much!)
Xander:
Wait, this is after Larry’s family died but he’s not all burned
Xander:
Because this is the kind of show where that’s how we judge timeline
Xander:
Dang
Xander:
Addy is possibly the only person in this family who didn’t deserve to die
Xander:
and Bo
Peter:
Well
Peter:
“Addy” WAS short for Adolf
Peter:
So…
Xander:
Tate: “No matter how much you want I will never be your perfect son”
Xander:
Then he shot up a school
Peter:
Better than shooting up heroin
Peter:
Depending on your parents’ murder vs drugs stance
Xander:
Oh! Tate burned Larry
Peter:
‘You suck, Larry!’
Xander:
Tate is pouring petrol on Larry
Xander:
And is now throwing a match
Xander:
damn, Tate.
Xander:
That’s cold
Xander:
only the opposite
Xander:
Larry did already kill someone, so I can see why Tate went after him
Xander:
Why the other people though?
Xander:
Why shoot up the school?
Peter:
Xander
Peter:
If you’re looking for coherent answers, this show is going to disappoint
Xander:
Modern day!
Xander:
Ben is apologizing to Vivian
Xander:
She doesn’t want it, which is fair enough
Xander:
“How did he get into our house?” That’s a good question.
Xander:
How do ALL of these people keep getting into the fucking house?
Xander:
aaaand rotting fruit.
Xander:
Hell of a way to greet a police officer who wants to talk about Violet.
Xander:
“She’s missed 16 consecutive days of school” damn
Xander:
“Any more absences and we’ll see you in court” This is the first warning Ben has gotten
Xander:
Way to be on the on ball there, schooling system
Peter:
Also I’m not sure what they’d be suing for.
Peter:
(Any time there’s a courtroom scene in America, I assume someone is suing someone.)
Peter:
(This has been proven to be a pretty safe assumption)
Xander:
I was impressed by how few major characters have died
Xander:
then I realised that most are already dead
Xander:
Constance, don’t touch Larry’s burnt face and then try to shake the germs off
Xander:
AHSS1E10-2
Xander:
Now she has a knife to his throat, because he “killed” Travis
Xander:
He only mutilated and hid the body
Xander:
it was XX who killed him
Xander:
Really, Larry’s an innocent here
Peter:
AHS really quickly skews your opinion of morality
Xander:
And ‘alive’.
Xander:
Tate, you don’t need to kidnap Violet
Xander:
you guys are on good terms, you can just be like “Yo”
Xander:
Tate, I appreciate that you got her to stop cutting, that was cool of you
Xander:
but this truancy thing isn’t alright
Xander:
“Those Koreans, they’re so suspicious ever since Hiroshima”
Xander:
That is a good poin- OH WAIT THAT’S RACIST
Xander:
Almost got me!
Xander:
A knife fell out of Constance’s purse
Xander:
If she hadn’t brought the knife to rough up Larry this wouldn’t have happened
Xander:
Black Cop and Kindly Security Officer are two characters I want to see hang out
Xander:
“Bo” was actually named “Bo-regard”
Xander:
the hell kind of name is that?
Peter:
The Muppet janitor is called Beauregard!
Peter:
I will take any opportunity to bring up the Muppets, not matter how tenuous I need to make the link.
Xander:
Wow, Constance has had a CREEPY past
Xander:
She’s killed two people, she had her husband kill her son. Her other son then burnt said husband before he shot up a school and was shot to death by cops
Xander:
Have you considered that stay-at-home mother isn’t the right career for you?
Xander:
Apparently she was also charged with murder
Xander:
oh jesus, she turned her husband into meat and fed him to dogs
Peter:
So what you’re saying is that she’s a stay-at-home mother AND kind to animals?
Xander:
Where’s the husband’s ghost?
Xander:
Haven’t seen him around particularly
Peter:
That…is an excellent question.
Peter:
That the show does not ever attempt to answer in any way.
Xander:
looks like this vermin guy is about to find a corpse of some kind
Xander:
Who’s it gonna be?
Peter:
So many options!
Xander:
Tate is now killing him, using his own pesticide
Xander:
jesus
Xander:
That is surely not what the instruction manual says to do
Peter:
In all fairness, it doesn’t say NOT to.
Xander:
Sometimes these ghosts are reverse vampires
Xander:
visible only in mirrors
Xander:
I’d like Tate more if he weren’t a murdering rapist
Xander:
“I won’t let him send you away” oh dear
Xander:
Ben gon’ get killed
Xander:
by Tate
Peter:
I get that it’s a horror story
Peter:
But it still annoys me that ghosts can kill people
Peter:
It feels like it should be against the rules or something
Xander:
Oh hey, ghost Travis and Larry are interacting
Xander:
“Have I made the news?” I like ghost Travis
Xander:
Tate is being creepy again.
Xander:
As always.
Xander:
Constance: “I have already answered all their questions, they cannot pin this on me.” That was yesterday.
Xander:
Murder cases don’t end in a day.
Xander:
Violet’s plan for escaping from Tate was the really the best you could hope for
Xander:
Granted, it was basically just “run away and scream for Ben”
Xander:
But honestly, I don’t know how I’d escape from Tate if I needed to.
Peter:
‘Look! A school full of innocent people, just begging to be gunned down!’
Xander:
oh right, the world is fucking up again
Xander:
I forgot ghosts could mess the with reality
Xander:
Infinite loops and such
Xander:
Tate’s showing Violet the basement
Xander:
What’s in the crawl space it seems
Xander:
Where he killed the exterminator
Xander:
Whose body is that?
Xander:
It cut away too soon
Xander:
wait, is that violet?
Xander:
oh shit, what a fantastic twist
Xander:
The pills
Xander:
the whole suicide thing
Xander:
fuuuuck
Xander:
that was brilliant
Peter:
It’s really well done! It’s foreshadowed super nicely
Peter:
Unfortunately a bit too nicely; I watched it with friends, and we worked out the twist a few episodes before it was revealed.
Peter:
We also worked out that Tate was the sled
Xander:
This show man
Xander:
this show
Xander:
Larry confessed
Xander:
he didn’t even DO THE MURDER
Xander:
I mean, they were killed by a ghost
Xander:
If anyone’s being arrested, chances are it’s going to be someone innocent
Peter:
Well
Peter:
As innocent as anyone in this show
Xander:
Constance ain’t squealing
Xander:
This explains why Violet hasn’t left the house for a while
Xander:
So far Larry has killed one person and hidden one body (that we know of)
Xander:
Prediction: That is less than 1% of his crimes
Xander:
The rest will largely be tax evasion and drug dealing
Xander:
Constance: “I have long stopped asking why the mad do mad things” It’s because they’re mad. It’s right in the name.
Xander:
Constance is just a straight up bitch
Xander:
[[Episode Eleven]]
Xander:
AHSS1E11-1.jpg
Xander:
1984, Constance
Xander:
Young Tate! Neat
Xander:
Young Tate is in the basement, flipping his shit
Xander:
Oh hey, it’s the goblin!
Xander:
Oh!
Xander:
The goblin is Thaddeus!
Xander:
I think I should have seen that coming
Xander:
I spent so long hanging on to Thaddeus being Gimpy
Peter:
Well…Thaddeus is a bit gimpy…
Xander:
First Lady is so sweet
Xander:
Where’s her husband though?
Xander:
busy with presidential duties?
Xander:
First Lady, quit the baby obsession
Xander:
BAM
Xander:
Problem solved.
Xander:
Next up I’m going to tackle the cocaine addiction
Xander:
Stop it!
Xander:
Fuck I’m good.
Xander:
Ben is trying to get Violet to leave
Xander:
That is probably not possible
Xander:
Violet has barely come to terms with her own death, how does she expect her family to?
Xander:
Wait, is she writing a suicide note?
Xander:
You’ve sort of missed the window on that one
Peter:
‘Dear family’
Peter:
‘By the time you find this, I will have been dead for several weeks.’
Peter:
‘This will be very confusing to you, because we had breakfast together this morning.’
Xander:
I wonder if the ghosts ever decide to write about their experiences?
Xander:
Become “ghost writers”, as it were.
Xander:
Oh cool, Chad and Pat are making a nursery for Vivian
Xander:
that’s cute
Xander:
Okay yeah, it wasn’t for Vivian
Xander:
they, like everyone else, are going to steal the twins
Xander:
“What you are planning to do is unnatural” Lady, don’t even get STARTED
Xander:
Oh! Constance is homophobic
Xander:
that’s not really a surprise, I guess
Peter:
She’s changed since the eighties
Peter:
When she was super tolerant of her best friend being a lesbian. #tootsie
Xander:
“My children came out of my body and that is something that you will never understand” unless you have ever attended a sex ed class
Xander:
Ha, the gay couple want both babies because one will be a brunette and one will be blonde
Xander:
“We’re gonna wait till they get adorable and then smother them”
Xander:
fuck it, I’m on board with this plan
Xander:
no one else has any damn plans for their future, might as well roll with the one where babies stay adorable forever
Xander:
The medium is mind talking to violet
Xander:
Medium: “You were so young, I’m so sorry”
Xander:
Violet: “Please don’t tell”
Xander:
Poor Violet
Xander:
this show is unfair to these characters
Xander:
it’s just been constant stream of terrible things happening to them
Xander:
Violet DIED
Xander:
Vivian was RAPED
Xander:
Ben… I dunno, probably stubbed his toe?
Peter:
Oh so you’re one of those FEMINISTS, are you?
Peter:
Suddenly a man stubbing his toe ‘isn’t as bad as his daughter dying’
Peter:
You make me sick.
Xander:
“One of these babies has been developing at a rapid rate” I bet that it’s Ben’s baby, not the antichrist
Xander:
Ben’s baby is the mightiest baby
Peter:
It comes out of the womb having eaten the antichrist and having gained its powers
Peter:
I guess at that point it might as well be the antichrist
Xander:
oh right, Tate killed this guy and sodomized him with a fireplace poker
Xander:
I forgot about that
Xander:
The guy probably never did
Xander:
Violet seems displeased by her mum giving birth
Xander:
oh hey, ghost doctors and ghost nurses
Xander:
The specific people who died in this house is working out pretty great for Vivian
Xander:
“This house is trying to help” help do… WHAT?
Xander:
Destroy the world?
Xander:
Win the “house of the year” award?
Xander:
It does have a lovely garden
Peter:
I guess the house was trying to create the anti-christ?
Peter:
I never really thought about the house’s motivations but that’s the only thing that makes sense
Peter:
(As much sense as anything in this show makes)
Peter:
AHSS1E11-2
Xander:
These ghost nurses and doctors are awfully professional
Xander:
They said “Daddy you want to cut the cord” but I thought they’d said “Addy” and got briefly excited
Xander:
Violet gonna banish Chad?
Xander:
Nope, he was just messing with Violet
Xander:
At least he’s burning the nursery and not going to steal the babies
Xander:
Pity, his “adorable babies” platform had my vote.
Xander:
Looks like Vivian is gonna die
Xander:
she’s looking at Violet’s ghost
Xander:
“We can be happy, just like we were before. Before my mistakes, before this house” dude that ship has sailed
Xander:
Violet is trying to convince Vivian to die, Ben is trying to convince her to live
Peter:
‘Come on honey, you need to pull through.’
Peter:
‘You’re the only one who knows how to use the microwave’
Xander:
I feel like turning the house into a block of flats would have been the ideal, because then everyone could haunt their own apartment
Xander:
yup, Vivian’s dead
Xander:
That is a LOT of blood
Xander:
Which probably explains why she’s dead
Xander:
“Why would I do that?” Good fucking question Tate
Xander:
you god damn psychopath
Xander:
Violet is, quite reasonably not forgiving him
Xander:
for the rape and murder of Vivian
Xander:
(Murder through demon baby)
Xander:
(Second degree murder)
Peter:
It’s a tricky way to murder someone, but if you can pull it off
Peter:
Well let’s just say we might have a job for you at CMRU
Peter:
(Complicated Murders ‘R’ Us)
Peter:
[[Episode Twelve]]
Peter:
AHSS1E12-1
Xander:
SEASON FINALE
Peter:
Prepare for disappointment.
Xander:
Oh hey, nine month flashback
Xander:
Possibly an alternate universe where they don’t go to the house?
Xander:
Violet becomes president
Xander:
Vivian discovers double-penicillin
Xander:
Ben lives a fairly dull life
Peter:
On the plus side, his toe never gets stubbed
Xander:
Does Ben believe in ghosts yet?
Xander:
Constance is not good at reasoning
Xander:
her tactic is mainly “Yell and shit”
Xander:
Not uh, not literally
Xander:
oh hey, Ben just realised that Tate is Constance’s child
Xander:
“Where is he?”
Xander:
“In his graaaaaave” You have a real flair for the dramatic, Constance
Xander:
So, what the fuck is their plan for Violet?
Xander:
Like, I’m assuming Ben knows she’s dead by now
Xander:
and sooner or later someone will find the body
Xander:
then he’ll go to prison
Xander:
also did he just not question the disappearance of that pest control guy?
Peter:
He doesn’t pay attention to the help
Peter:
Except I guess when they’re masturbating on his sofa
Peter:
And I don’t believe they ever showed the pest control guy masturbating on his sofa
Xander:
I feel like I would remember that scene.
Xander:
“I saved you a shitload of money” (in relation to her not going to Harvard) ah Violet
Xander:
you were always such a positive character
Xander:
(That is a lie)
Xander:
Makin’ out with a ghost
Xander:
They should totally impregnate a ghost
Xander:
it’s worked the other way
Xander:
How did XX get all of these ghosts so on board with this?
Xander:
that was efficient
Xander:
I guess some of them were already murderers
Xander:
This is supported by the murders we saw them commit in life
Peter:
It’s so fucking easy, too
Peter:
Like…these guys have supposedly been in the house the entire time
Peter:
And we now know that they have the ability to just charge someone and flat-out try to kill them
Peter:
What the hell have they been doing the rest of the season?
Xander:
Ben just died I think?
Xander:
Possibly faking it?
Xander:
I don’t know
Xander:
I don’t know what I WANT to happen at this point
Xander:
yeah, Ben is totally dead
Peter:
It’s like they got to this episode and someone was like ‘Oh hey btw you don’t get any more episodes after this.’
Peter:
‘Welp! Better wrap everything up.’
Peter:
‘Really, really abruptly.’
Xander:
New guy, they told you not to skateboard in the house
Xander:
they were very clear
Xander:
did the new guy die I wonder?
Xander:
People often die without me knowing
Xander:
okay, one time that happened
Xander:
it was very clever too
Xander:
I hope that Violet and the new teenager get together
Xander:
fuck it, why not
Xander:
I hope he dies and they end up together forever
Xander:
fuck it aaaalll
Peter:
An attitude you share with this episode’s writers.
Xander:
haha, Tate is jealous
Xander:
oh wait, that means he’s going to murder someone
Xander:
fuck
Xander:
wait, I want that guy dead
Xander:
I want EVERYONE dead
Xander:
EVERYONE GETS TO DIE
Peter:
Why not? It seems that being dead gives you absolutely all the powers of being alive, plus you never age. The only difference is that you never leave the house.
Peter:
Basically me once I discovered menulog.
Xander:
I like this new couple living in the house
Xander:
HOPE THEY DIE
Xander:
New Husband is hilarious
Xander:
Why couldn’t he have been the main character?
Xander:
There is 25 minutes and 45 seconds left
Xander:
that’s not much time for a lot of answers
Peter:
Oh you just wait
Peter:
You just wait.
Xander:
oh lord, Tate is in the new son’s room, being all creepy and threatening
Xander:
Maybe I should start commentating on the times that he ISN’T being all creepy and threatening
Xander:
This guy is surprisingly cool about all these people breaking in
Xander:
oh dear, that’s not Tate in the gimpsuit
Xander:
GOD DAMMIT HOUSE
Xander:
Who is gimpy now?
Xander:
“I don’t wanna hurt you,” Tate says, pulling a knife
Xander:
“But I do have to kill you.” oh okay, that’s fair
Xander:
I’d say that Tate is jumping on board to the “Kill everyone” plan, but really that’s been his game from the start
Xander:
This episode is just kind of hilarious to me
Xander:
They’re freely showing us what’s beyond the veil
Xander:
So now we know all of the tricks in the book
Peter:
Fuck this episode.
Peter:
Seriously.
Xander:
haha, Gimpy was Ben
Xander:
they’re just fucking around now
Peter:
I mean, we know explicitly know what ghosts in this house are capable of doing
Peter:
Why have they been doing like a tenth of it for the rest of the season?
Peter:
Like the gay couple – what the hell do they spend their time in the 2-out-of-3 episodes that they’re not around?
Peter:
We know they can’t go anywhere
Peter:
So…
Peter:
Ugh.
Peter:
Fuck this episode.
Xander:
HAHAHA
Xander:
Vivian and Ben just “killed” each other to scare off the new owners
Xander:
Back to Tate wanting to kill the new guy
Xander:
Violet: “Tate no.”
Xander:
Tate: ‘Tate yes.’
Xander:
I hope the house winds up abandoned
Xander:
and all the ghosts just hang out forever
Xander:
having bake sales
Peter:
Having huge, intergenerational orgies
Peter:
(They specifically established how horny being a ghost makes you.)
Xander:
This is gonna be super awkward when Tate and Violet run into each other again
Xander:
like damn
Xander:
One of my favourite things about not being in high school is that I never have to see the people I dislike
Xander:
Now they’re basically stuck in high school forever
Peter:
‘Ghost High School’
Peter:
I’d watch that show.
Xander:
haha, they’re playing happy music and screaming “GET IN THE CAR”
Xander:
They really went the comedy route with this episode
Peter:
That’s one way of putting it
Xander:
The murder house tour people must be so happy with how this all went down
Xander:
oh hey, Tate wants more therapy from Ben
Xander:
I’m cool with that
Xander:
Ben is apparently a dick
Xander:
“You can only forgive someone for what they did to you directly” interesting philosophy
Xander:
Not sure what it’s based on but sure
Xander:
Ben is being all like ‘Fuck you Tate’
Xander:
‘You’re a dick’
Xander:
‘Seriously’
Xander:
‘You have killed a LOT of people’
Xander:
Which I kinda agree with Ben on this one. He don’t owe you shit.
Peter:
Also he is the world’s worst psychiatrist
Peter:
I guess he’s the best psychiatrist that Tate has access to
Peter:
But he would probably do better talking to a picture of a tree.
Xander:
The ghosts have no reason to fear anything
Xander:
Tate is acknowledging all the shitty things he’s done
Xander:
Good for him
Xander:
“I’m not your priest. I can’t absolve you of anything”
Xander:
“I know that. Can’t you just… hang out with me sometimes?” Oh Tate
Xander:
Vivian is playing the Cello
Xander:
Where did she get a Cello?
Peter:
You get one when you die
Peter:
It’s just that none of the other ghosts knew how to play theirs
Xander:
haha! First Lady is bored of having the baby
Xander:
“You think you can claim him as some kind of birthright?” She gave birth to him, surely that’s gotta count for something
Xander:
“Was do you call him?”
Xander:
“Little noisy monster”
Xander:
First Lady, that is quite the step down from Thaddeus
Xander:
Thaddeus is a cool as shit name
Xander:
I wonder if First Lady is now able to pass on into “da afterlife” as we call it
Xander:
her main thing was wanting a baby and now she’s realizing how crap she is at it
Peter:
Unfortunately that is not part of the mythology
Peter:
The mythology is ‘you die and then you’re just stuck in the house literally forever for some reason’
Peter:
‘You can do pretty much whatever you like’
Peter:
‘Including becoming invisible at will’
Peter:
‘Basically you’re a superhero with a really, really limited range.’
Xander:
So if a ghost can only be seen when they will it, is the baby going to always visible, always not, or just randomly swapping?
Peter:
This is one of the many questions that the show does nothing to answer.
Peter:
I had forgotten how angry this episode made me.
Xander:
The intermittent screams of a baby are probably going to affect the property value
Peter:
More than the murders, somehow.
Xander:
Moira is calling out First Lady on the fact that she doesn’t ACTUALLY want to be a mother, she just got fixated on the idea
Peter:
Also she’s had her goblin child for almost a century now.
Xander:
There was a lamp in the background and I thought Gimpy was around
Xander:
(he wasn’t)
Xander:
Lampy on the other hand…
Xander:
‘naw, Vivian asked Moira to be her ghost baby’s godmother
Peter:
seriously what the fuck, show.
Peter:
I guess they wanted to give everyone a ‘happy ending’ but also wanted them all to die?
Peter:
It results in the weirdest fucking tone.
Peter:
Happily-ever-after-but-also-dead.
Xander:
Happily-ever-dead
Peter:
Coming this summer
Peter:
A Tim Burton Production.
Xander:
So, Moira and Thaddeus (I think) are the only ghosts to age
Xander:
I hope baby does
Xander:
otherwise that’d suuuuck
Peter:
Moira didn’t really ‘age’, so much as ‘have the random ability to appear as two different ages to people based on either their gender or her whim’
Peter:
Fuck this showwww
Xander:
“3 years later”
Xander:
Constance is crazy good at making up lies on the spot
Xander:
This hairdresser scene doesn’t feel like it’s leading to anything
Xander:
given that there’s four minutes left in the episode and at least some of that will be credits
Xander:
Peter: OH GOD THE HAIRDRESSER SCENE
Xander:
We were sitting there literally going ‘Why!?!?’
Xander:
‘Why did the writer’s go “You know what everyone wants to see?”’
Xander:
‘Ten minutes of Constance getting a haircut!’
Xander:
‘Emmys for everyone!
Xander:
Constance adopted Ben and Vivian’s child (the one who survived) and I think this scene is supposed to establish that she’s a good mother?
Peter:
Also it answers the burning question we all had
Peter:
‘WHERE DOES CONSTANCE GET HER HAIR CUT??’
Peter:
AHSS1E12-2
Xander:
Oh my, blood on the fridge
Xander:
cookie jar broken open
Xander:
blood trail leading to a room
Xander:
dead woman
Xander:
aaaand the son is creepy
Xander:
Oh yeah
Xander:
I forgot he was the antichrist
Peter:
Again with the weird fucking tone
Peter:
‘Happy family ending! Also uh I guess…the anti-christ?’
Peter:
‘I guess?’
Peter:
I watched this not realizing that they did a different plot each season.
Peter:
And so I was like ‘Okay I guess they really wanted to establish the anti-Christ plot for next season.’
Peter:
NOPE.
Peter:
They just wanted to try to wrap everything up neatly.
Peter:
In a way that…
Peter:
Yeah.
Peter:
Fuck this show.
Xander:
Constance just has to be amazing at hiding bodies by this point
Xander:
okay, Season one is over
Xander:
Final thoughts: Decent, not enough explanations.
Xander:
Main question: ‘What the fuck?’
Xander:
Seriously though, I want to like that show a lot more than I did. It was well shot (which I always appreciate), and barring some frustrating story decisions, really quite haunting at times.
Xander:
Maybe if they’d decided on a better tone for the final episode I’d be feeling different
Xander:
But as it is, it’s kinda sub-par.
Peter:
Apparently season 2 is way, way creepier.
Peter:
But equally skilled at ‘falling apart at the end’.
Peter:
I’m sort of intrigued to see how effectively they manage to fuck up a whole new plotline.