Orphan Black, Season 1: Episodes 3-4

:
In early 2015, Peter and his friend Georgia sat down to watch the entirety of Orphan Black season 1 in one day. Or was it…Peter and a clone!?
:
No. It was definitely Georgia. We checked.
:
(Peter was the clone.)
:
orphan black
Peter:
So in the first episode we met Sarah and 2 clones. In the second, another 2.
Georgia:
Extrapolate for 3 seasons!
Peter:
Thus far there’s been an average of one clone-death
Peter:
One clone body looted
Peter:
And half a bottle of soap drunk per episode
Georgia:
/r/dataisbeautiful
Peter:
Let’s go!
Peter:
[[Episode 3]]
Georgia:
I am rejoicing the return of Sarah’s accent
Peter:
I’m so used to fake-US Sarah
Peter:
Sarah going full-British is weird
Georgia:
Canadian*
Peter:
Okay the Soccer Mum clone is called Alison
Peter:
I think we already knew that
Peter:
But it’s NEWS TO ME
Peter:
WHY ARE THESE CLONES BEING SO UNHELPFUL
Georgia:
A scientist differentiates between nature and nurture!!
Georgia:
Holy exposition!
Peter:
“We’re all clones and they’re killing us off.”
Peter:
I mean if it’s the people who made you killing you off, they fucked up by sending you all over the world in the first place.
Peter:
That’s just inefficient
Georgia:
Felix is terrible at waiting in the car
Peter:
I wonder if they all have the same taste in foods
Georgia:
Do clones eat food? All we’ve seen them imbibe is soap.
Peter:
Allison is twitchy
Peter:
Cosima: “You just broke the first rule of clone club”
Peter:
In all fairness those rules were not explained at any point
Peter:
At least at Fight Club they made sure to cover them up-front
Georgia:
Clone Club needs a better name
Peter:
The theme music has a sort of beach boys vibe to it
Georgia:
It feels like way too much happened before the opening credits.
Peter:
Haha yes
Peter:
By the end of the season, the opening title will take place thirty seconds before the closing credits
Peter:
Sarah is angry, Alison is twitchy, Katja is wheezy, Elizabeth is Doc. We’ve almost got enough to make up Snow White’s new gang.
Georgia:
Cosima is Doc, because she’s a scientist.
Georgia:
Elizabeth is Sleepy
Peter:
Elizabeth is Doc because she has a pharmacy in her bathroom
Peter:
Shooty
Peter:
Elizabeth can be Shooty
Georgia:
Alison is competing for that.
Peter:
Why is Art so obsessed with Elizabeth becoming a cop again?
Georgia:
He was in on the bad-shooting so he cares a lot that she gets away with it
Peter:
I reckon he lost the money
Peter:
Down a storm-drain
Georgia:
His fingers wouldn’t fit through the grate
Peter:
He tripped on the way home
Peter:
Fed it to a dog
Georgia:
Bitchy cop
Georgia:
I hope she gets a storyline
Peter:
Or a spinoff
Peter:
“Bathroom Cop”
Georgia:
Where she goes around offering help to people and then snorting derisively and trouncing off.
Peter:
Haha this is exactly what I want to see
Peter:
Beth having no idea how to speak cop radio
Georgia:
She’s just finding her cop-legs.
Peter:
OH SHIT
Peter:
She’s also finding her clone legs
Peter:
ATTACHED TO THE CLONE CORPSE
Peter:
SHE BURIED
Georgia:
the clone bones!
Peter:
Clone bones!!
Peter:
Oh my god
Peter:
She dug a BIG hole
Peter:
So big they turned it into a quarry
Peter:
Haha Art is making puns
Peter:
Delightful
Peter:
(Corpse puns)
Peter:
(The third best kind of puns)
Georgia:
Cosima.
Georgia:
While Alison is my favourite, I do have certain kinds of feelings for Cosima.
Peter:
I like Sarah the best
Georgia:
You’ve just gotten to know her better. Give it time.
Peter:
Cosima: “Do you have a criminal record?”
Peter:
Sarah: “Just petty fraud. Assault. Kid stuff!”
Peter:
She immediately justified my love for her.
Georgia:
So did she do it as a kid, or to kids?
Peter:
I mean ideally: both
Peter:
Art suspects!
Peter:
Oh nah
Peter:
He suspects she doesn’t want to have a loaded gun
Peter:
Not that she’s secretly a British clone who saw the real Beth kill herself
Peter:
Though that would be some good detecting
Georgia:
Art’s seeming awful patriarchal over this money.
Peter:
At what point do you call the police? (Other police)
Peter:
(Not just herself)
Georgia:
Two clones looking at themselves in the mirror = FOUR CLONES
Georgia:
It’s a clone hunt. They’re being hunted. Sounds like a fun game
Peter:
Hey cool Cosima is an evolutionary biologist
Peter:
(That’s my favourite kind of biologist)
Georgia:
So handy!
Peter:
They way she told that story reaaalllly feels like they were all super casual about learning they were clones
Peter:
Like the fact that they’re being hunted: obviously a big deal, but you’d think they’d be busy freaking out about the fact that they are CLONES
Georgia:
Well everyone’s been through that realisation already except for Sarah
Peter:
They seem to be accepting it pretty casually
Peter:
I dunno it seems like a huge deal to me
Georgia:
The scientist probably calmed them down.
Peter:
Get like 3 of them together and go to the paper
Peter:
Or live TV
Peter:
Suddenly the world is watching and you’re going to be way safer
Georgia:
You don’t know what they’re up against.
Georgia:
Do clones have the same fingerprints??
Peter:
We covered this!
Peter:
“Close enough to flag the system”
Peter:
But if you’re asking in real life, no. Fingerprints are unrelated to genes – they’re part of the development in the womb
Peter:
She’s totally flirting with the tech guy
Georgia:
Who wouldn’t. I’ve never seen a tech guy that handsome.
Georgia:
I wonder if they’re trying to make a point by having Beth’s last name as “Childs”. AND Sarah described her felony as kid stuff. It’s a theme.
Peter:
I like how they didn’t have her work out the password from contextual clues
Peter:
Like ‘Paul4eva’
Peter:
‘pills4me’
Peter:
‘clone#3’
Georgia:
‘ilovetrains’
Peter:
Hahahaha
Peter:
What on earth was her relationship with Vic?
Peter:
She doesn’t seem at all bothered by the breakup
Peter:
Like she cares more about how Paul feels than Vic
Peter:
(Although she probably had better sex with him)
Georgia:
Just an ex.
Georgia:
They were broken up long before because he was abusive
Peter:
Ohhhhh
Georgia:
I think she’d have better sex with the other lady detective.
Georgia:
OR with the mean lady cop who offered help then ran off.
Peter:
‘You want an orgasm?’
Peter:
‘Sure.’
Peter:
‘Hmmm. *leaves*’
Georgia:
Story of my life.
Peter:
This lady-cop is like a younger version of Mrs S.
Peter:
The barbie thing is weird.
Georgia:
Art is laying it on thick with the puns.
Peter:
OH
Peter:
THERE’S GOING TO BE A BARBIE FOR EVERY CLONE
Peter:
I betcha
Peter:
I mean you’ve already seen it
Peter:
So taking a bet is probably a bad idea
Peter:
But still
Peter:
I BET
Georgia:
Does this mean there are as many clones as there are barbies in the world
Peter:
That sounds about right
Peter:
Hahaha is Felix gonna be the babysitter?
Peter:
Amazing.
Georgia:
Alison will just let anyone do it, apparently
Georgia:
Does she know she locks his door with a screwdriver?
Peter:
Isn’t the husband white?
Peter:
Haha Alcoholic Babysitter
Peter:
The sequel to Bathroom Cop
Peter:
Getting the tech guy to do all your police work is a great short-term solution
Peter:
And getting the soccer mum to teach you shooting is an amazing any-term solution
Georgia:
Alison is a woman of many skills
Georgia:
What if the clones fell in love
Peter:
I would definitely watch that movie.
Peter:
It would certainly give us some insight as to whether being homosexual is genetic
Georgia:
One of them is/will be gay. Try to guess which one!
Peter:
All of them together
Peter:
In the X-rated DVD special
Georgia:
I bet it exists.
Georgia:
“So what else should I know about clone club?”
Georgia:
“Don’t use the c-word!”
Georgia:
Alison doesn’t like the word ‘club’
Georgia:
Peter:; “Can you con her bank, or not?”
Georgia:
I mean there’s no need for Sarah to do it
Georgia:
They all have equal skills in that regard
Peter:
“Look Mum, we’re cross-dressers!”
Peter:
I’m not crazy, am I? These kids are black.
Peter:
Her and her husband are white.
Georgia:
I don’t notice.
Peter:
Well la-di-dah
Peter:
Am I crazy?
Georgia:
(No.)
Peter:
Sarah does not look entirely willing for this sex scene
Georgia:
How could she be. He is awful.
Georgia:
Paul. you are gross. Stop it. Leave her alone.
Peter:
Paul: “Sorry! Gotta go!”
Peter:
Sarah: *looks confused and a bit pleased?*
Peter:
Their relationship is very confusing to me.
Peter:
Felix: “I bet he’s wanking already.”
Peter:
Sarah: “He better be!”
Peter:
That did not clarify the nature of their relationship at all.
Georgia:
Sarah liking Paul is severely dimishing my respect for her.
Peter:
Art: “…and they half-assed buried the body.”
Peter:
Sarah: 🙁
Peter:
Sarah: ‘I worked very hard on that burying.’
Georgia:
It’s only her first time, she’ll get better.
Peter:
SHE is the one wiping out the clones
Peter:
What was it Art liked being called?
Peter:
Asswipe?
Peter:
Dumbass?
Georgia:
dipshit
Georgia:
Who doesn’t like that though
Peter:
That’s right
Peter:
She has not been doing that
Peter:
Also she’s said like “Damn right” once
Peter:
After all that practicing
Georgia:
Maybe she couldn’t quite nail it
Peter:
Oh shit she’s in a situation where she really needs to know all the non-verbal hand gestures
Peter:
She does not.
Peter:
ART BIN SHOT
Georgia:
Finally
Peter:
Quick, Sarah!
Peter:
Loot the body!
Peter:
Maintain your average!
Georgia:
Does it count that she looted a bible just prior?
Peter:
Oh man wouldn’t it suck if Sarah shot another civilian
Peter:
THE ESKIMO GOT HER
Peter:
Prediction: it’s another clone
Peter:
That’s why they aren’t showing us the face
Peter:
RUSSIAN CLONE
Peter:
ANOTHER CLONE DOWN
Georgia:
Copy cop!!! This new clone is the cleverest punner
Peter:
Oh my god so much is happening
Peter:
Russian clone: “Not yet.”
Peter:
*staggers off*
Georgia:
Didn’t she say “Not yet, not Beth”
Peter:
Oh like “Not yet, not-Beth”
Georgia:
right. She’s the cleverest
Peter:
Awwww
Peter:
Art returning the money
Peter:
Now that they’ve bonded
Peter:
Art: “I’m sorry I held it over you. I guess I owe you one.”
Peter:
Sarah: “Now we’re square.”
Peter:
Nope!
Peter:
He was still a dick for an unnecessarily long time.
Georgia:
Not even close. She should have punched him in his stupid patronising face.
Peter:
Okay so one clone is killing the rest, in what seems to be a specific order
Peter:
Remember the Jet Li film “The One”?
Peter:
I assume they are not doing that plot.
Georgia:
You’re right!
Georgia:
Because that was Jet Li playing a bunch of roles too right?
Georgia:
In fact I think every character in The One was played by him.
Peter:
Maybe Russian-clone is the one that they kept and trained to do their bidding
Peter:
Rather than sending out to be a cop/pickpocket/scientist/soccer mom
Georgia:
I don’t know why they’re anti the term clone
Peter:
It’s considered a racial slur by the genetically undiverse
Peter:
Aaah!
Peter:
Close-up of pipe being removed
Peter:
Followed by Russian lady orgasm face
Peter:
Or look of pain
Georgia:
Could be both
Peter:
Oh man I really am bad at sex
Peter:
Russian clone has whip-marks all over her back
Georgia:
And all that bible stuff she’s got going on.
Georgia:
Flagellator!
Peter:
Flag ya later!
Peter:
In that episode:
Peter:
-No one actually died
Peter:
-We only met ONE clone
Peter:
-No soap-drinking action
Peter:
-No body-looting
Peter:
After a strong start, this show is going seriously downhill
Georgia:
It’s world-building
Peter:
It’s bullshit, that’s what it is
Georgia:
You’re so fickle! A second ago you loved it.
Georgia:
You must be a demanding lover.
Peter:
Demanding slash awful
Peter:
Okay, onto episode 4!
Peter:
[[EPISODE 4]]
Peter:
Predictions for this episode: More clones!
Peter:
A jazz clone, an actor clone, and a dragon clone.
Peter:
Oh and I didn’t guess earlier
Peter:
But Cosima is definitely the lesbian
Peter:
Either that, or the Russian clone (based on the way she was caressing Sarah with that knife)
Georgia:
It’s Cosima.
Georgia:
Hence my special feelings.
Peter:
My preferred lesclone would be the Soccer Mum, just for the interesting conflict it would cause in her otherwise-conservative life
Georgia:
I like the Russian’s can-do attitude to home medicine.
Peter:
The Russian clone is repeating “I’m not Beth”, just like Sarah did while learning to be Beth.
Georgia:
In that case we know it’s a phrase she will never use again.
Georgia:
The fact that these are all one actor is just ridiculous.
Georgia:
Incredible.
Peter:
Russian Clone has a kid too!
Peter:
Oh man that is fucking creepy
Peter:
“Ssshhh,” leads him into the bathroom with a demented look in her eyes
Peter:
Eats the kid
Georgia:
Are all kids that dumb? I’d have split
Peter:
Kids are dumb!
Peter:
Stupid kids.
Peter:
Although surprisingly into cross-dressing
Peter:
God Alison is fucking twitchy
Georgia:
I love it
Peter:
Fuck Alison
Peter:
She is my least favourite
Georgia:
She’ll grow on you.
Peter:
My order:
Peter:
1) Sarah
Peter:
2) Cosima
Peter:
3) Russian lady
Peter:
4) Elizabeth
Peter:
5) Dead German clone
Peter:
6) Alison
Georgia:
I’m predicting the Russian will become a favourite for you.
Peter:
Felix: “Impersonating a dead officer, that’s like…a whole new crime.”
Peter:
Oh right Felix is really anti-cop. I didn’t even think of that.
Peter:
(It makes total sense because of their hobbies)
Peter:
(Their illegal and profitable hobbies)
Georgia:
Scientist-clone is talking about nature and nurture again, just in case we forgot she was a scientist.
Peter:
“Evolution always wins.”
Peter:
Oh right the kids are adopted
Peter:
PLOT-HOLE: RESOLVED
Peter:
Alison: “You have your usual Thursday night drinks with clients, right?”
Peter:
It’s like she WANTS him to have an affair.
Georgia:
Look at him though, I wouldn’t be worried.
Peter:
Art: “Follow the bloody brick road.”
Peter:
Art that makes no sense.
Peter:
Stop not making sense.
Georgia:
He’s the worst.
Peter:
Oh what the kid from earlier was a stranger?
Peter:
Okay then that’s a dumb fucking kid
Peter:
Art: “Trevor, can you tell me what the angry angel looked like?”
Peter:
Kid: *points to Beth*
Peter:
I mean they had different-coloured and different-lengthed hair
Peter:
What kid is that smart but that dumb at talking to strangers?
Georgia:
He hasn’t shown that he’s smart
Peter:
He was smart enough to recognise a face despite all the surrounding features being different
Peter:
i.e. smarter than Maslany’s mum
Peter:
I like that Beth was at a level of policehood where she just tells other people what to do
Peter:
“Can you bag this?”
Peter:
“Send out an ATB”
Peter:
‘Do all the cop work’
Georgia:
Kira is a terrible painter
Georgia:
No wonder Sarah left her for 10 months
Peter:
“No match on Jane Doe’s prints?”
Peter:
Sarah: “N-n-n…no. Nope. No sirree.”
Peter:
Come on! That was another perfect “Damn right” moment.
Peter:
They’re setting ’em up for you now
Georgia:
She can’t say that. Clonerules
Peter:
Russian clone: “You’re doing policework, but how long can that last?”
Peter:
I do like the Russian clone.
Peter:
Oh no! Homeless clone!
Peter:
(Whenever we meet any character without immediately seeing their face, I’m gonna accuse it’s a clone.)
Georgia:
Art cannot let ANYONE make a decision
Georgia:
Helena (Russian-clone) is also making the point that Alison missed.
Georgia:
Anyone can pretend to be Beth.
Peter:
Man Sarah is slipping into being Beth so nicely
Peter:
Oh my god
Peter:
So many drawings of clones
Peter:
I near-constantly forget that it’s just the one actor
Peter:
She’s ridiculously good
Peter:
LIke they do good work with the makeup and clothes and hair, but there’s still never any question of which one she’s playing
Georgia:
Helena slips into Beth almost as well…
Peter:
Oh man
Peter:
Helena is going to eat Paul
Georgia:
I really really hope so
Peter:
(In my mind Helena is definitely a cannibal)
Peter:
(Who is motivated by wanting to eat every one of her clones)
Georgia:
Even though you haven’t seen her eat anything but a muffin.
Peter:
A screaming, helpless muffin
Georgia:
You’re gonna love this.
Peter:
I can only hope it’s some threeway clone action
Georgia:
Close!
Peter:
Oh Raj
Peter:
So helpful to the plot
Peter:
Raj is my new favourite clone
Peter:
Alison why you gotta be such a bitch
Peter:
Just pretend to be Sarah for like 2 minutes
Peter:
Oh! Alison is the actor-clone!
Peter:
I’m one for three so far
Georgia:
This is gonna be so good.
Peter:
Felix: “We need to pull a full reverse-Pygmalion here.”
Peter:
Amazing.
Georgia:
It is like Allison even has a different face shape to Sarah.
Georgia:
Masterful!
Peter:
So much of this commentary is just us salivating over Maslany’s acting
Georgia:
Which is totally deserved
Peter:
Correct.
Peter:
Lady-cop: “My psych guy says since it’s woman-on-woman it has to be personal.”
Peter:
This is why we need feminism, guys.
Peter:
So that woman can kill other women professionally.
Georgia:
Or without emotion.
Peter:
Awww
Peter:
Paul is such a good guy
Peter:
He should get with Raj
Georgia:
Fuck I hate him
Georgia:
All this shit. Swinging his dick around the place.
Peter:
He took the rest of the day off!
Georgia:
She’s a detective! He’s not her dad!
Georgia:
Between him and Art how does she take a breath.
Peter:
She did call and ask him to…
Georgia:
IRRELEVANT
Georgia:
PROBLEMATIC
Peter:
Helena was very explicit
Peter:
‘Come around and swing your dick around’
Peter:
Man I hope these crazy kids end up together
Georgia:
Why!! Why would you hope that!!
Georgia:
Support my hatred for him by treating it as your own.
Peter:
Alison, to Cosima: “Helena was here. She was Beth.”
Peter:
ALL THE SAME ACTOR
Peter:
Amazing.
Georgia:
The behind the scenes photos and youtubes make it all seem even more impressive.
Peter:
I feel like the writers of this show don’t actually know what a scientist is
Georgia:
I don’t mind because at the very least they know they wear low cut tops and bend down and jiggle a lot.
Peter:
Why is Cosima talking about symbols and what they represent?
Georgia:
The fish knife tha Helena left behind.
Peter:
I know but…that is not science.
Peter:
I don’t know what it is, but it’s not science.
Georgia:
She has a scientific mind!
Georgia:
Remember? She used the words nature and nurture?
Georgia:
She’s inquisitive
Peter:
Oh right
Peter:
Nature and nurture
Peter:
Science.
Peter:
Sarah is fucking good at keeping her lies straight.
Peter:
“If she’d said anything, I would have known she was a woman.”
Georgia:
And thinking of clever things a policewoman might know
Peter:
Oh Helena
Peter:
You are amazing
Peter:
So amazing
Georgia:
Put some headphones in Sarah
Peter:
This is like that Breaking Bad plotline but in episode 4
Peter:
Instead of season 3
Georgia:
Alison as Sarah!!
Peter:
AMAZE
Peter:
God the writers had fun with the premise
Georgia:
The walk
Peter:
fuuuck
Peter:
Such talent
Georgia:
She was just in Steel Magnolias…
Peter:
If Tatiana Maslany doesn’t win an Emmy next year
Peter:
Plus several retrospective Emmys
Georgia:
I don’t know who beat her
Georgia:
Probably someone dumb.
Peter:
I don’t think she was even nominated
Peter:
That’s why it was so appalling
Peter:
Art is piecing it together!
Peter:
Well I’m not sure what he’s piecing together
Peter:
But it’s something!
Peter:
Oh man Helena is camping out at elderly-Asian’s old place!
Georgia:
Angie is hella thirsty
Peter:
Alison really does have a different face-shape, doesn’t she?
Georgia:
Finally a smart kid
Peter:
😮 😮 😮
Peter:
She knows!
Peter:
Kira: “You’re not my mother”
Georgia:
I would like it on the record that Peter let out an audible gasp there
Peter:
‘You don’t look ANYTHING like my painting’
Georgia:
‘Your mouth isn’t all drippy or anything’
Peter:
Awww Sarah trusts Art
Peter:
Even after the $75k incident
Georgia:
WHY
Georgia:
HE’S AWFUL
Peter:
Good thing Sarah didn’t just shoot that random Asian woman
Peter:
It would be hard to explain away a second one
Georgia:
She’s no Beth
Peter:
Okay seriously in Sarah’s shoes it would be tempting to just shoot Helena
Peter:
Go and bury her in another quarry
Georgia:
But the answers! She needs them!
Peter:
I like that we’re at a stage where it feels like basically no one knows any more than Sarah
Peter:
Like Helena obviously knows something
Peter:
But it doesn’t feel like Cosima and Alison are holding huge amounts of info back
Peter:
My long-term guess is that Sarah is the original and the others are all clones
Georgia:
How are they the same age then
Peter:
What do you mean? You clone from DNA
Georgia:
Oh so maybe when Sarah was born that’s when they started the other clones
Peter:
Yup
Peter:
Well I mean you can’t clone mammals at all at the moment but that’s an unrelated issue
Peter:
Clearly in this world you CAN clone.
Peter:
So all the rules are out the window
Georgia:
All we have are clone-rules
Georgia:
The most important part of Clone Club
Peter:
Fuck Maslany is good
Peter:
Yes I am going to keep mentioning it every time it strikes me
Georgia:
As well you should
Peter:
She’s just that amazing
Peter:
Mrs S: “As long as we take it slowly.”
Peter:
Georgia: “TAKE ME SLOWLY”
Peter:
“OR ANY WAY”
Georgia:
I wish Mrs S would tell me to piss off
Peter:
Ooooh
Peter:
Sarahbeth just quit
Georgia:
Best decision she’s made in 4 episodes.
Peter:
Uh Georgia
Peter:
Are we forgetting the soap-drinking?
Georgia:
nevr 4get
Peter:
Art: “After all we’ve done for you.”
Peter:
I will freely admit that’s a dick thing to say.
Georgia:
Thank you.
Peter:
Helena is almost as bad at walking as Vic was
Peter:
Okay that is clearly a guy
Peter:
And so even though we didn’t see a face, I’m guessing not a clone
Georgia:
How do you know there are no boy clones?
Peter:
I don’t…I’m not sure that’s how clones work.
Georgia:
All the rules are out the window, Peter!
Georgia:
All we have are clone-rules!
Peter:
I’m going to be honest…I’m seeing very little evidence that YOU are not a clone.
Peter:
So far nothing in the show has suggested you’re not.
Georgia:
Nothing?
Peter:
Well I guess there’s your hatred of Paul
Peter:
So far all the clones seem to be into him
Peter:
I guess you’re okay.
Georgia:
That would suggest you’re a clone though
Peter:
Oh shit
Peter:
What a way to find out