Game of Thrones, Season 2: Episodes 3-4

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In June/July 2014 (four years late to the party) Elizabeth finally watched through Game of Thrones. Aware of her squeamishness, her brother Xander (who’s seen the show) and friend Anne (who’s also read the books) thought it might be amusing to see her reactions as she watched. This is the transcript of that experience: it contains many spoilers and not much coping.
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game of thrones
Elizabeth:
What’s that? Time for Game of Thrones!
Xander:
Yay!
Anne:
Woo!
Anne:
[[Episode 3]]
Anne:
S2 E3-4 E3 start
Elizabeth:
Why is there so much baby killing in this show?
Elizabeth:
I agree with Jon – baby killing: not cool
Xander:
Those babies know what they did.
Elizabeth:
…were born male?
Elizabeth:
Because that is slander, good sir!
Elizabeth:
Hodor!
Xander:
Hodor!
Anne:
Hodor!
Elizabeth:
Yeah Bran, statistically some of your dreams are going to be true, you’re not special or anything
Elizabeth:
The dragons aren’t gone any more, Mr Bran’s-downer-tutor
Elizabeth:
Who are the deer peeps?
Xander:
Deer peeps being them peeps with a stag on the sigil?
Elizabeth:
That’s the peeps
Xander:
House Baratheon
Xander:
House of: The King, Stannis, and Renly
Elizabeth:
Margery of House Turrel is the queen, as far as I can tell
Elizabeth:
And king has offered Joffrey’s head
Xander:
House Tyrell, yeah
Elizabeth:
Are the Tyrells new peeps? How many kings are in the Baratheon house?
Xander:
The only king is Joffrey Baratheon!
Anne:
Tyrells are new. Margaery is the best and has murder-eyebrows.
Elizabeth:
Detective Stark has gone to visit the Tyrells to see if they will fight Robb’s war with them
Elizabeth:
There was a lady fighting and she won and is now a king’s guard and her name starts with B (Brianna maybe) and she seems pretty rad
Xander:
That’s Brienne! Of House Tarth! She’s the cool!
Anne:
Oh, Brienne. I am genuinely torn between her and Robb for my marriage intentions
Elizabeth:
Theon’s dad! Don’t plan to take over Winterfell!
Elizabeth:
Hehe, Theon is cranky because he only gets one ship when his sister gets thirty
Elizabeth:
I like how each house has a motto and they take them quite seriously
Elizabeth:
What is Theon’s house?
Xander:
House Greyjoy
Elizabeth:
Papa Greyjoy don’t hit Theon! We love Theon!
Xander:
You have some strange taste in characters
Xander:
Why do you love Theon?
Elizabeth:
He’s cool!
Elizabeth:
Except when he is around women
Anne:
I always felt like Theon had the potential to be a real sweetie. But then he ruined it by being a colossal bellend.
Xander:
He’s kind of a dick
Elizabeth:
But when he’s hanging out with Robb he’s cool!
Xander:
Okay yeah, that’s probably the main caveat
Xander:
Robb makes everyone cool!
Xander:
You like Robb, right?
Elizabeth:
Um, duh
Elizabeth:
Oh look! The other baby Baratheons are talking
Xander:
The who?
Elizabeth:
Joffrey’s younger siblings
Elizabeth:
When I say Baratheon babies, I mean Lannister incest babies
Xander:
YOU HAVE NO PROOF
Xander:
THE ONLY MAN WHO DID HAVE PROOF IS NOW DEAD
Xander:
oh
Xander:
this sucks now
Elizabeth:
WHY WOULD YOU SAY WORDS
Elizabeth:
Sansa’s life kind of sucks, really
Xander:
Yeah, things are unfun for Sansa
Elizabeth:
Shae (Tryion’s lady friend) is pretty cool
Elizabeth:
I like her
Xander:
Fun fact: Played by a former porn star!
Elizabeth:
The clothes the women in the city wear are cool (the servant women, with the loose fabric)
Elizabeth:
Sort of Grecian
Elizabeth:
Legit!
Xander:
Which city? King’s Landing?
Elizabeth:
Yes
Xander:
I don’t recall the fashion, but the entire aesthetic of the show is great
Elizabeth:
https://d1mxyp5ceukbya.cloudfront.net/images/tyrion-shae-game-of-thrones-hbo.jpeg
Xander:
Oh right, yeah
Xander:
I see what you mean by Grecian
Xander:
also maybe don’t google stuff
Xander:
That doesn’t always go well
Elizabeth:
Yeah, I googled and then went “oh god don’t show me pictures of Shae being brutally murdered”
Elizabeth:
Fortunately this time I was safe, but I will avoid it in the future
Xander:
In future you can give me search terms and I will sift through it for you
Elizabeth:
Awesomesauce
Anne:
Let us protect you
Elizabeth:
Maggie Smith would be very sympathetic to Sansa’s plight of training up a maid
Xander:
Fun fact: Maggie Smith totally plays Sansa!
Elizabeth:
“‘Don’t tell the queen’ I adore conversations that start this way.” Hehe, Varys (The Spider) is the best
Elizabeth:
…wait, is Tyrion pretending to marry this lady off to all different peeps?
Xander:
Elizabeth, we stopped questioning Tyrion a while back
Elizabeth:
If Tyrion wants to give a lady a harem, that is Tyrion’s right I suppose
Elizabeth:
Haha, did he just do that to find out who would rat him out to the queen?
Xander:
Yeah basically
Xander:
He’s a rascal
Elizabeth:
I suspect Renly does not fancy the ladies
Elizabeth:
Which is awkward as he is married to one
Xander:
Renly is a ladies man Elizabeth
Xander:
you are bad at identifying ladies men
Xander:
He’s more of a ladies man than even Lieutenant Gruber
Elizabeth:
Whoa, that is quite a claim
Elizabeth:
I would require much proof of that
Xander:
Also: Proof of his manliness that didn’t make it to the show:
Xander:
“Renly Baratheon declared himself king of the Seven Kingdoms after the death of his brother Robert. To reflect his status, he created the Rainbow Guard, a fanciful version of the Kingsguard. Loras Tyrell, Renly’s favourite, was the first appointee, as well as Lord Commander. Barring the Lord Commander, each of the other six members were given a color of the rainbow.”
Xander:
S2 3-4 Jason_Engle_rainbowguard
Elizabeth:
Whoa, rainbows! Nothing manlier than a rainbow.
Elizabeth:
I bet all the ladies swooned and spontaneously fell pregnant
Elizabeth:
Which I guess he would have found convenient
Anne:
Grrrr Martin is not always a man of subtlety
Elizabeth:
Ohh, Tyrion was trying to marry off one of the incest kids.
Elizabeth:
Queenie does not want her kid married off
Elizabeth:
She got quite cranky
Elizabeth:
Theon! You didn’t send that letter!
Xander:
He tried to throw it into the ocean in an act of defiance.
Xander:
Don’t set it on fire!
Elizabeth:
Yeah, the longer Theon is away from Robb (king of the north!), the less I like him
Anne:
THE KING IN THE NORTH!
Elizabeth:
Huh, I never noticed that Papa Greyjoy has long flowing locks
Elizabeth:
Clearly he needs to stand in more breezes
Elizabeth:
Hehehe, Baelish worked out Tyrion’s trick
Elizabeth:
Poor incest kid, no harem for you
Xander:
Oh Tyrion
Elizabeth:
Tyrion has a manhood cutting off device
Elizabeth:
If Tyrion doesn’t like your beard, Tyrion has someone chop it off.
Elizabeth:
Tyrion gets things done.
Elizabeth:
Tyrion was right though, the guy looks much better sans beard
Elizabeth:
And he pays the prostitute on the way out, classy
Elizabeth:
Have I mentioned I loved Tyrion lately?
Xander:
I don’t know that anyone expresses love of Tyrion enough
Xander:
It’s still weird to me that he’s also the guy in Death at a Funeral
Xander:
he’s just like, GoT to me now
Elizabeth:
Oh no, he is totes Tyrion, he really owns the role
Xander:
Yeah, it’s incredible
Xander:
Also: Describe his accent
Elizabeth:
Peter Dinklage?
Elizabeth:
Television British?
Xander:
That’s his voice in real life as well, but he grew up in The Bronx
Elizabeth:
Huh, there you go
Elizabeth:
Hey ‘Arry!
Elizabeth:
‘Arry seems a bit young to be drinking…
Elizabeth:
That is an interesting way to rouse people to arms…
Xander:
What’s his method?
Elizabeth:
He called out, “there’s men out there who want to fuck your corpses”
Elizabeth:
And now he is dead
Elizabeth:
Hopefully his accusation of necrophilism was erroneous
Elizabeth:
If ‘Arry and Tyrion join forces they would be an unstoppable armada of awesome
Anne:
I would watch the hell out of the spinoff
Elizabeth:
THAT IS NOT CARRYING THAT IS STABBING IN THE THROAT
Elizabeth:
‘Arry you are so clever
Elizabeth:
EPISODE END
Elizabeth:
We also didn’t get to see Dany 🙁
Xander:
Some episodes you don’t!
Xander:
There’s apparently an episode I haven’t seen yet that focuses on only one group
Elizabeth:
I have heard this! That would be so strange!
Elizabeth:
And wonderful if the one group was Arry and Tyrion being awesome
Elizabeth:
while Varys and Baelish bickered in the background
Xander:
So: Current favourite character who isn’t Tyrion or ‘Arry?
Elizabeth:
Haha. Favourites who aren’t Tyrion or ‘Arry, what an idea
Xander:
Also least favourite who isn’t Joffrey
Xander:
that is the game we must all play
Elizabeth:
Eeerrrrrmmm, Dany? Maybe? I DON’T KNOW.
Elizabeth:
Least favourite who isn’t Joffrey? Ummm
Elizabeth:
Like, there are definite bad guys but they are so interesting
Elizabeth:
Maybe Theon when he is with ladies
Elizabeth:
Reeeeaaally don’t like him then
Elizabeth:
Or Papa Greyjoy, I’m not keen on him
Elizabeth:
S2 E3-4 E4 start
Elizabeth:
Ugh, entrails should be intrails not outtrails
Xander:
You still find the intro totally radcool, right?
Elizabeth:
Yeah!
Xander:
I just put out the bins and it was in my head
Xander:
suddenly became the coolest thing I’ve done today
Anne:
Someone made a version for Edinburgh. It’s amazeballs.
Elizabeth:
That healer seems to have a cool star banner
Elizabeth:
So that guy is having his foot cut off
Elizabeth:
It is possibly the worst
Xander:
It happens!
Elizabeth:
Uuuugggghh, I can hear her sawing
Elizabeth:
Healer, this is not a good time for moralising
Xander:
Thoughts on healer?
Elizabeth:
She is trying to simplify a very complex issue
Elizabeth:
It is irritating
Xander:
That said: Kinda what Ned Stark did a lot
Elizabeth:
But he continued on to live in the real world
Anne:
Until he didn’t, that is.
Xander:
Didn’t healer just cut off someones leg?
Elizabeth:
Yeah
Elizabeth:
And is blaming Robb for it
Xander:
WE LOVE ROBB
Xander:
YAY ROBB
Xander:
ROBB FOR KING
Anne:
THE KING IN THE NORTH!
Elizabeth:
Like I feel at least Papa Stark made plans- no wait, the real difference is she is moralising from a position of no power, the easiest position to moralise from
Xander:
‘The powerless get NO OPINIONS’
Xander:
Elizabeth supports the class system!
Anne:
I long suspected.
Elizabeth:
It is easy to judge those in power while you sit on the sidelines
Elizabeth:
And cut people’s feet off
Xander:
Breaking News: Elizabeth uses sports metaphor!
Elizabeth:
SLANDER
Elizabeth:
Joffrey! Do not hold a crossbow to Sansa’s face!
Elizabeth:
Oh god, Joffrey better not be about to cut some part of Sansa off
Elizabeth:
Beating her is no better!
Elizabeth:
NOR IS STRIPPING HER
Xander:
For neither the first nor the last time: What the fuck Joffrey
Elizabeth:
Tyrion is here to save the day!
Elizabeth:
Hehe, Bron, you are pretty cool
Elizabeth:
Tyrion I love you
Xander:
Bron is pretty cool!
Xander:
And we do love Tyrion!
Xander:
What a nice show.
Xander:
In which nothing bad happens ever happens
Elizabeth:
Aw, Tyrion is treating Sansa as a lady and apologising to her
Elizabeth:
Tyrion and Sansa should also team up
Anne:
Interesting idea!
Elizabeth:
Haha, Bron thinks getting Joffrey laid would help
Elizabeth:
Or possibly candle making, if Tyrion’s talk of dipping wicks is to be taken literally
Elizabeth:
Yeah, that’s a set of ladies not a candle making kit
Anne:
I feel like no good can come of encouraging Joffrey to touch anyone. Ever.
Elizabeth:
It is makes sense, but it is also always slightly surprising every time Tyrion is just super kind
Elizabeth:
Two ladies are making the smoothies and Joffrey is not coping
Elizabeth:
Wait, he wants them to hit each other
Anne:
Making the smoothies?
Elizabeth:
Smoochies.
Xander:
“Making the smoothies”
Xander:
Joffrey: ‘WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET A BLENDER’
Elizabeth:
‘HOW IS IT RUNNING, YOU ARE TURNING NO HANDLES’
Elizabeth:
This hitting is less playful sexy times and more sadistic than is usually considered ideal
Elizabeth:
THAT IS HEATED METAL
Elizabeth:
AND NOW WE HAVE A CROSS BOW
Xander:
Joffrey is fucking weird
Anne:
Joffrey is one messed up lad
Elizabeth:
Hehe, Baelish
Elizabeth:
Baelish! Renly is the most ladiest of all ladies men, do not bother sniffing around his marriage
Elizabeth:
Mrs Renly seems pretty cool so far
Xander:
Margaery Tyrell?
Elizabeth:
That’s the one
Elizabeth:
Anyone who can talk to Baelish and not give something away is pretty cool in my books
Anne:
I love her. She is super good at this game
Xander:
This game…
Xander:
OF THRONES
Elizabeth:
Dany!
Xander:
Dany! What’s she up to these days?
Elizabeth:
Lost in the desert
Elizabeth:
Well, not lost, but everywhere they could go people want to kill them and they have very few supplies
Elizabeth:
“What’s that smell?” “Dead people” ‘Arry, you are kind of creepy sometimes
Xander:
Oh ‘Arry
Xander:
you so creepy
Elizabeth:
Detective Stark is not keen to see Baelish
Elizabeth:
Baelish’s romantic plans are not off to a good start
Xander:
Do RomComs ever start off well though?
Elizabeth:
Baelish! You don’t have Arya!
Elizabeth:
Lying is not a good start to a relationship!
Xander:
He’s the quirky main character of the rom-com, he lies because he’s nervous!
Elizabeth:
N’aww
Elizabeth:
And he seems to have brought Detective Stark her late husband’s bones, so that’s a good sign
Elizabeth:
A classic romcom move
Elizabeth:
Those kids tried that tactic of looking at the person so they wouldn’t get picked
Elizabeth:
And it backfired
Elizabeth:
And now the kids will have to answer questions
Xander:
Like, I can see the logic but what a stupid fucking move
Elizabeth:
I am intrigued by this rat technique
Xander:
Describe the technique?
Elizabeth:
They have rats in a bucket tied to his body and are heating the bucket with fire
Elizabeth:
I think the fire would present a workplace health and safety issue, but it otherwise seems effective.
Xander:
They actually did that in the middle ages
Elizabeth:
There you go!
Xander:
Like, despite all the shitty things that happen in the show actual medieval people did even worse things
Elizabeth:
Yeah, it was not all feasts and fancy frocks
Xander:
Mostly though
Xander:
Have you heard of Caligula?
Xander:
He’s a roman emperor from the first century AD
Anne:
Caligula bears a very uncomfortable similarity to our least favourite king
Anne:
Original-head-of-Caligula
Elizabeth:
Hey he does too!
Elizabeth:
That’s either excellent casting or a freaky coincidence
Elizabeth:
Hehe, Stannis has a different Banner and Renly was like, “well I suppose if we used the same one the battle would be terribly confusing”
Elizabeth:
“Why is your stag on fire?” A question we must all ask ourselves
Elizabeth:
Merlin-lady, your looks are unlikely to appeal to Renly, just saying
Xander:
Because he’s such a ladies man
Xander:
He doesn’t need any more ladies
Elizabeth:
Exactly
Elizabeth:
Renly when you say you loved your brother once I hope you mean in the normal, non-Lannister way
Anne:
It can be hard to tell with this show
Elizabeth:
They’re claiming it is the most beautiful city that ever will be. That’s a pretty big claim.
Xander:
Oh yeah they’re from the future
Xander:
This is the famous Game of Thrones time-travel plot
Elizabeth:
Dany, give them a look at one of the dragons
Elizabeth:
“I don’t think you are a liar, but as I’ve never met you before my opinion is of little value”
Elizabeth:
Speaker for the 13 is smooth
Elizabeth:
“The girl threatens to burn our city down and you invite her in for a cup of wine?”
Elizabeth:
Hey, manners are manners.
Elizabeth:
So some guy has just shown up to stop ‘Arry and co from being tortured and executed
Elizabeth:
And immediately knew ‘Arry was a girl
Elizabeth:
He has a lion on his shoulder,
Xander:
Like a pet?
Elizabeth:
He looks familiar
Elizabeth:
But I am bad at recognising characters
Xander:
Papa Lannister!
Xander:
Father of Tyrion, Queenie, and Jamie!
Elizabeth:
I wondered if it might be him
Xander:
What’s the J-Man up to?
Elizabeth:
Jaime? Just sort of being held captive
Xander:
haha, Classic!
Xander:
Classic Jamie
Elizabeth:
Wait, is Queenie sleeping with her cousin also?
Elizabeth:
Her cousin who looks a bit girlie
Xander:
Little bit!
Elizabeth:
Well, I suppose he is a little less related than her brother…
Elizabeth:
“Save it for Joffrey, he loves a good grovel” UNTIL HE KILLS PEOPLE
Elizabeth:
Tyrion is very against Queenie sleeping with cousins
Elizabeth:
Or has worked out how this advantages him
Elizabeth:
Pretty sure sleeping with cousins was okay back then, I suppose
Elizabeth:
Haha, Stannis just corrected the onion guy from less to fewer
Elizabeth:
Who knew they were so into grammar back then?
Elizabeth:
So Merlin is nakey and seems to be in labour
Elizabeth:
It is very confusing to me
Elizabeth:
…that is not a baby

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