Game of Thrones, Season 1: Episodes 5-6

:
In June/July 2014 (four years late to the party) Elizabeth finally watched through Game of Thrones. Aware of her squeamishness, her brother Xander (who’s seen the show) and friend Anne (who’s also read the books) thought it might be amusing to see her reactions as she watched. This is the transcript of that experience: it contains many spoilers and not much coping.
:
game of thrones
Elizabeth:
I seem to have acquired cupcakes, that means it is time for GoT, right?
Anne:
Definitely
Anne:
[[Episode 5]]
Elizabeth:
Papa Stark is suspicious of someone’s fancy armour. And also their death.
Elizabeth:
Robert, don’t take your inability to fit in your armour out on the poor kid
Elizabeth:
Stop picking on your servant people!
Elizabeth:
“Because I’m king? Piss on that, I want to hit someone!”
Elizabeth:
So much class
Anne:
What a guy
Elizabeth:
“Come, bow before your king. Now, you shits.”
Elizabeth:
Arya’s dancing lessons! Yay!
Elizabeth:
WHAAAAT
Elizabeth:
THAT GUY JUST CUT HIS HORSE’S HEAD OFF
Elizabeth:
THIS IS NOT A PROPORTIONAL REACTION TO LOSING AT JOUSTING
Elizabeth:
Favourite part of that jousting match: Sansa getting a rose.
Elizabeth:
Least favourite: HORSE’S HEAD BEING CUT OFF
Anne:
🙁
Elizabeth:
Tyrion is the best at being captured
Elizabeth:
Good lord this is a violent show
Elizabeth:
TYRION JUST STABBED SOMEONE TO DEATH USING A SHIELD
Elizabeth:
“Your first? You need a woman”
Elizabeth:
SUCH CLASS
Elizabeth:
Damn Bran, being pushed out a window changed you
Elizabeth:
THOSE ARE FRONT BITS
Elizabeth:
TV CAN’T SHOW FRONT BITS
Anne:
DID YOU JUST SEE A DICK??
Anne:
HBO can and will
Elizabeth:
AND A LADY PART
Anne:
Gosh!
Elizabeth:
“I don’t want to pay for it.”
Elizabeth:
“Then get yourself a wife.”
Elizabeth:
You tell him, prostitute-I-suspect-is-Ros
Elizabeth:
I could make a fortune selling poison as clear as water and with no taste
Elizabeth:
Admittedly, I would not be able to stay in one place long
Elizabeth:
Arya, you are not Indiana Jones, do not go down mysterious passageways, it will not end well
Elizabeth:
Yeah, Ayra, those were some traitors.
Elizabeth:
Stark kids: stop witnessing compromising scenes
Elizabeth:
It has not worked out well for you thus far
Elizabeth:
This guy apparently runs the best and most comprehensive brothel
Elizabeth:
“I’ve heard you cater for a lord with a taste for cadavers, that must be tricky.”
Anne:
I love comprehensive as a word in this context
Anne:
Something for everyone
Elizabeth:
Haha, two characters with extensive knowledge of everything having a thinly veiled hinting-at-blackmail off
Elizabeth:
Hehe, nice parting shot, “hadn’t you heard?”
Anne:
Varys and Baelish?
Elizabeth:
Umm
Elizabeth:
In-love-with-Detective-Stark and Makes-me-think-of-Friar-Tuck-from-the-Disney-Robin-Hood
Anne:
I would watch that spinoff
Anne:
Petyr Baelish
Elizabeth:
That is a more convenient name to type
Elizabeth:
Haha! Ayra is being mistaken for a male beggar boy
Elizabeth:
*male not needed
Elizabeth:
“What were you doing in the dungeons?”
Elizabeth:
*shifty eyes* “chasing a cat”
Elizabeth:
Lol!
Elizabeth:
Believable
Elizabeth:
“The eyrie, they say it’s impregnable”
Elizabeth:
“Give me ten good men and some climbing spikes, I’ll impregnate the bitch”
Elizabeth:
“I like you”
Elizabeth:
I like these guys
Elizabeth:
Robert! Don’t kill Dany!
Elizabeth:
Papa Stark, stop him!
Elizabeth:
“Honour? I have seven kingdoms to rule!”
Elizabeth:
IT IS NOT A KINDNESS TO KILL DANY
Elizabeth:
“When you find yourself in bed with an ugly women, you close your eyes and get on with it. Cut her throat.”
Elizabeth:
Having a brothel keeper as an advisor would be weird
Elizabeth:
Go Papa Stark!
Anne:
Papa Stark is the best
Anne:
He’s like Papa Smurf’s awesome cousin
Elizabeth:
The spider: Varys
Elizabeth:
Brothel owner in love with Detective Stark: Baelish?
Elizabeth:
Detective Stark’s sister seems a bit strange
Anne:
Yes, to all three
Elizabeth:
Haha, “did I kill him too? I’ve been a very busy man”
Elizabeth:
Tyrion is the best
Elizabeth:
That’s kind of clever – the dungeons don’t have a fourth wall, just a sheer cliff face
Anne:
And a slightly sloped floor
Anne:
More sloped in the books, gave me the heebies
Elizabeth:
Ooh, freaky
Elizabeth:
…why is that guy shaving the other guy?
Anne:
Because they love each other
Elizabeth:
I see
Elizabeth:
And yet he has a beard
Elizabeth:
“If you’re to become king”… new players for the crown! Fun!
Elizabeth:
I wish I could shave my armpits that smoothly…
Anne:
Clearly you need a Loras
Elizabeth:
I will invest in one immediately
Elizabeth:
…maybe not, he just cut the guy
Anne:
Probably kissed it better
Elizabeth:
Is that what he is doing? He seems to have missed, the cut was a bit higher than where he seems to be smooching…
Anne:
Haha
Anne:
Off-screen slurpy blowjobs, subtle HBO
Elizabeth:
So classy
Elizabeth:
“Which is a bigger number, 5 or 1?”
Elizabeth:
TRICK QUESTION THE ANSWER IS AN ARMY
Elizabeth:
“Sometimes I don’t know what holds the realm together”
Elizabeth:
*straight faced* “Our marriage”
Elizabeth:
*beat* *laughter*
Elizabeth:
I can see why their marriage works, you know
Anne:
Haha I do kinda love their cynical duo
Elizabeth:
Surprisingly well suited
Elizabeth:
“I felt something for you once”
Elizabeth:
“I know”
Elizabeth:
damn you guys are depressing
Elizabeth:
Go back to laughing
Elizabeth:
Ah young girl, I’m afraid the king is not going to admit to that kid being your son
Elizabeth:
“Brothels make a much better investment than ships, I’ve found. Whores rarely sink”
Elizabeth:
more sage advice from Baelish
Elizabeth:
Haha, Dury got distracted by the bosoms
Elizabeth:
I bet he thinks this investigation of bastard children born in brothels is the best
Elizabeth:
Jaimie has come looking for Tyrion!
Elizabeth:
Damn, they don’t mess around with the killing
Elizabeth:
Your old man says kill the peeps, you kill the peeps quick
Elizabeth:
Well that would hurt
Elizabeth:
Meanwhile, I think I need to bring my sword fighting skills up to scratch
Elizabeth:
Or work harder on my sure my wife doesn’t kidnap any dwarves she suspects of killing our son
Elizabeth:
EPISODE END
Elizabeth:
To the next episode!
Anne:
Wee!
Anne:
[[Episode 6]]
Elizabeth:
“Catelyn will release Tyrion and Ned will make peace with Jaimie”
Elizabeth:
Robert just sounds like an exasperated parent
Elizabeth:
Queenie is sometimes the worst – I hate her need to make up lies to paint her family as perfect-but-hard-done-by
Elizabeth:
Robert is not interested in this petty infighting
Elizabeth:
N’aww,
Elizabeth:
“I never loved my brothers… You were the brother I chose”
Elizabeth:
“Killing things clears my head”
Elizabeth:
Hee, he wants Papa Stark as his hand again
Elizabeth:
Dany! Did we not see you at all last episode?
Elizabeth:
I really hope that dragon egg hatches
Elizabeth:
That would be the best
Elizabeth:
Also your servant girl would be down with that
Elizabeth:
😉
Elizabeth:
Ugh, Bran, you can’t walk
Elizabeth:
Stop dreaming you can
Elizabeth:
and seeing three eyed crows
Anne:
Ravens
Elizabeth:
One day you will see a real three eyed raven and be severely disappointed
Elizabeth:
Hee! Look at him ride!
Elizabeth:
Possibly-Theon, you are awfully invested in Robb serving his house properly
Elizabeth:
Bran, don’t just ride off
Elizabeth:
EWW
Elizabeth:
Why so much stabbing, guys?
Elizabeth:
Yay Theon!
Elizabeth:
Robb, don’t be cranky with Theon
Elizabeth:
DON’T ROLL OVER TYRION
Elizabeth:
“I’m prepared to give you lots of gold!”
Elizabeth:
*guy searches Tyrion*
Elizabeth:
“No gold.”
Elizabeth:
“Well I don’t have it here!”
Elizabeth:
Oh, I liked Dury
Anne:
Dury?
Elizabeth:
Just one of Papa Stark’s guardsmen
Anne:
Ohh
Anne:
Man I remember him
Elizabeth:
“When you are dancing in the meadow with dolls and flowers, this is not when fighting happens”
Elizabeth:
Xander: I may have been doing something wrong
Elizabeth:
“Do you pray to the gods?”
Elizabeth:
“The old and the new”
Elizabeth:
That seems wise, Ayra
Elizabeth:
Hedge your bets
Elizabeth:
EWWW
Elizabeth:
Dany is eating something icky
Elizabeth:
A heart
Elizabeth:
Damn that is gross
Elizabeth:
Dany you are the best
Elizabeth:
Mr Dany is pleased, Viserys is not
Elizabeth:
Viserys, do not steal the dragon eggs
Elizabeth:
Oh Viserys, it is hard to rule when you have neither wealth, nor fear nor love, and you realise it
Elizabeth:
“Sometimes possession is an abstract concept”
Elizabeth:
Tyrion, that may not be the best tact to take with your jailer
Elizabeth:
“Sky cells always break”
Elizabeth:
I can easily believe this fact
Elizabeth:
“I flogged my eel into the turtle stew”
Elizabeth:
Dude, that kid is twisted
Elizabeth:
THIS IS NOT A GOOD SYSTEM FOR JUSTICE
Anne:
Robin the creepiest of creepy motherfuckers
Elizabeth:
HE WAS SUCKLING HIS MOTHER’S BREAST FOR SUSTENANCE, DO NOT SUGGEST OTHERWISE
Anne:
Oh man, double meaning and a half
Anne:
I don’t think that is a thing, but please god yes let’s not dwell on it
Elizabeth:
“Making the eight”
Elizabeth:
CLASSY
Elizabeth:
Anne: What’s that?
Elizabeth:
Sleeping with one girl from each of the seven kingdoms
Elizabeth:
And one from somewhere else
Elizabeth:
Anne: Oh right!
Elizabeth:
The Riverlands
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth: CLASSY
Elizabeth:
Why did you just dump a bag of fish in the throne room, Mr Farmer?
Elizabeth:
Listening to grievances would be the worst job
Elizabeth:
“Do the Lanisters have any reason to be upset with your wife?”
Elizabeth:
Yes, I think they just might…
Elizabeth:
Papa Stark, it was just a bag o’ fish
Elizabeth:
You don’t need to deknight and kill a guy
Elizabeth:
I’m not sure Robert was expecting this when he left Papa Stark in charge
Elizabeth:
That’s one scary hole
Elizabeth:
I guess before TV was invented, justice was where the peeps got their kicks
Elizabeth:
Justice and big ol’ holes
Elizabeth:
Ow
Elizabeth:
Sword fighting seems rather dangerous
Elizabeth:
And doing it in front of a hole is not helping
Elizabeth:
Ewwwwww
Elizabeth:
I think this show needs to have it’s blood budget cut
Elizabeth:
“You don’t fight with honour.”
Elizabeth:
“No.”
Elizabeth:
*looks down hole*
Elizabeth:
“He did.”
Elizabeth:
A Lannister always pays his debts is a cool thing to be able to claim
Elizabeth:
I might start one for me
Elizabeth:
“Elizabeth always accepts chocolate”
Elizabeth:
“Please do not show Elizabeth your front parts”
Elizabeth:
“Black no sugar thanks”
Elizabeth:
“Oh, I just realised: I don’t care”
Elizabeth:
oh Sansa, you are going to be so good for Joffrey
Elizabeth:
Haha, give the girl a necklace and some sweet words and she is all yours
Elizabeth:
Joffrey, you are so in with Sansa
Elizabeth:
Pretty-sure-you-are-Theon is so upset to see possibly-Ros go
Elizabeth:
Woah, she is wearing nothing under that dress
Elizabeth:
And was more than happy to flash for some coin
Elizabeth:
What a tart!
Elizabeth:
😛
Elizabeth:
“I’m meant to marry Joffrey and be his wife and have his baby”
Elizabeth:
“Seven hells…”
Elizabeth:
Ayra, I love you
Elizabeth:
Papa stark seems surprised to discover Joffrey is blonde
Elizabeth:
VISERYS CUTTING OUT THE BABY AND LEAVING IT FOR HIM IS NOT A SENSIBLE PLAN
Elizabeth:
Woah, someone broke his arm
Elizabeth:
OWWW
Elizabeth:
Woah, is Viserys dead?!!?!?
Elizabeth:
NOOOOOOOOOOO
Elizabeth:
I LIKED HIM
Elizabeth:
DON’T END THE EPISODE THERE
Anne:
NO ONE ELSE LIKED HIM
Elizabeth:
WHY NOT
Elizabeth:
HE WAS FUN
Anne:
He was also a proper villain
Elizabeth:
‘GOOD TIMES VISERYS’ WE USED TO CALL HIM
Anne:
Although as you say, mild and impotent in comparison
Anne:
Haha
Elizabeth:
I am intrigued by ‘fire cannot kill a dragon’ in the context of Dany not getting burned by the hot dragon eggs that burned her servant girl
Anne:
Yeah
Elizabeth:
(What is her name?)
Elizabeth:
(Cutie McSweetheart?)
Anne:
Haha I have no idea
Elizabeth:
Ugh, I shouldn’t stay up and watch more, I don’t want to throw my sleeping schedule out
Elizabeth:
But if I keep going they might bring back Viserys
Anne:
He died pretty thoroughly dude
Elizabeth:
*sigh* you crusher of dreams
Elizabeth:
*secretly clings on to hope*
Elizabeth:
*whispers to self* Bran lived
Anne:
That’s so sweet
Xander:
200 missed messages
Elizabeth:
Whoops…
Xander:
I’m disappointed it isn’t 400.
Xander:
TRY HARDER
Xander:
I am still perplexed by your love of Viserys
Xander:
Do you not remember the horse to sister coitus remarks?
Elizabeth:
Good times
Elizabeth:
Imma miss him