American Horror Story: Episodes 4-6

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In April of 2014 Xander was unemployed, jobless, and generally without a profession. At the recommendation of Netflix he marathoned the first season of American Horror Story over a weekend, posting his thoughts as he had them onto a single Facebook status. The following transcript is from this event, and contains many, many spoilers.
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AHS 1-3
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[[Episode Four]]
Xander:
“2010”
Peter:
That was the year the second Space Odyssey film was set
Peter:
Also, uh.
Peter:
An actual year
Xander:
oh hey, this flashback looks to be of the gay couple
Xander:
Prediction: Murder-Suicide.
Xander:
(This prediction brought to you by the past three episodes)
Peter:
I watched this with my housemate Kate
Peter:
Sassy gay guy was her favourite character in, possibly, the history of everything
Peter:
Every time he came on-screen, she would audibly squeal
Xander:
He just admitted to cheating
Xander:
Cheaters don’t have a fantastic track record on this show
Xander:
“All of your money and mine is in this house” is a running theme.
Peter:
The house is like a cash black hole.
Peter:
It takes your money and compresses it into a singularity
Xander:
Oh! Gimpy is back
Xander:
I’ve missed you Gimpy
Peter:
Gimpy is like Gumby’s fucked-up cousin
Peter:
Hahaha
Peter:
I’m imagining that kid’s show now
Peter:
(it’s terrifying)
Xander:
I don’t know if Gimpy is half of the gay couple or some supernatural being
Xander:
It was a supernatural being
Xander:
this lends credence to Gimpy being the father not Cheaterguy
Xander:
I want to know who the children in the opening titles are
Xander:
like, one has to be the child from the first flashback (of the doctor who first lived in the house)
Peter:
They were once innocent children
Peter:
And then someone bought them the Gimpy DVD set
Xander:
Someone egged the house
Xander:
I wonder if the real estate agent is a ghost
Xander:
probably the mastermind of the whole ghost operation
Xander:
‘naww, Neighbour’s lover is hanging out with Adelaide
Xander:
I just realised that Neighbour is probably not dead
Xander:
she doesn’t have to be a ghost, she can just have moved next door
Peter:
Hahaha
Xander:
Loverboy is adorable
Xander:
Neighbour is a bitch
Peter:
Neighbour isn’t that bad
Peter:
I mean yes she’s awful
Peter:
But delightfully so
Xander:
“One minute he’s reading the next minute his hand is down your pants”
Xander:
Adelaide is seductive apparently.
Peter:
Australia has a city called Adelaide
Peter:
Much less seductive.
Xander:
apparently burnman can only go around in public on Halloween
Xander:
that’s sad but also not true
Xander:
dude is always around
Xander:
oh hey, I just realised that pregnant ex mistress is probably going to come back as a ghost
Peter:
This ranks right up there with Lost for “shows your character can die on but you’ll still get regular acting work from”.
Xander:
also Burnman’s basket for the halloween bit was actually full of candy
Xander:
he’s adorable
Xander:
“Nate, I cannot see you in this house”
Xander:
One day someone will listen
Xander:
“No more weird shit, I promise”
Xander:
Nate you’re actually a goblin. You can’t keep that promise.
Xander:
oh hey, they’ve got pumpkins
Xander:
just like those other people who died
Peter:
I feel like that’s correlation, not causation
Xander:
Moira: “Can I have halloween off, I’d like to visit with my mother”
Xander:
Moira mentions her mother sometimes, I wonder if that’ll come into play
Xander:
oo! Ghost of the gay couple are seeing the house.
Xander:
You guys already owned the house!
Xander:
Silly guys.
Peter:
Silly gays
Xander:
Where are their bodies? Moira can’t leave because it’s in the backyard, but these two had actual police collect them
Xander:
The fluffers hired by the real estate agents are ghosts
Xander:
this bodes well for my real estate agent is the mastermind theory
Xander:
Mainlady: “You guys are having trouble?”
Xander:
Gay ghost: “He can’t keep his dick in his pants.”
Xander:
How embarrassing!
Xander:
Adelaide (Addy) was under Daughter’s bed
Xander:
oh!
Xander:
She wants to be made pretty like the daughter.
Xander:
This is super sweet.
Xander:
Daughter and Addy should get more interaction
Peter:
They get their own spin-off show
Peter:
“Down and Out”
Peter:
It’s set after Daughter announces that she’s gay
Peter:
Is that offensive? That’s probably offensive.
Xander:
Addy: “You can’t keep breaking into our house”
Xander:
Daughter: “But I like it here! My friends are here”
Xander:
You should probably question that more than you did, Daughter
Peter:
Yeah I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell.
Xander:
Neighbour, let Addy be pretty
Xander:
you bitch
Xander:
She likes the makeup
Xander:
it makes her happy
Xander:
Gimpy! Noooo!
Xander:
Oh shit, it was Tate
Xander:
is Tate always Gimpy?????
Xander:
That’d mean he’s the father
Xander:
If he got married to Daughter then the unborn baby would be his sibling in law
Xander:
Oh hey, backstory of the house
Xander:
about the abortionist bloke
Xander:
“An eye for an eye”
Peter:
I’m genuinely impressed with how dark this show was allowed to go
Peter:
Abortion doctor
Peter:
That’s pretty freaking dark, especially for America
Xander:
holy shit, are you going to steal her child?
Xander:
They totally did
Xander:
Who is the boyfriend? Who is the child? These characters have to tie in somehow.
Xander:
This series has got me hooked as shit
Xander:
Police have come to the door with a box full of jars labelled “evidence”
Xander:
Did their kid get chopped up?
Xander:
Oh christ, is the doctor sewing their dead son into all of the animal parts?
Xander:
This is totally fucked
Xander:
TOTALLY FUCKED
Xander:
EVERYONE THIS IS TOTALLY FUCKED
Xander:
I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY’RE GOING
Xander:
WITH THIS TOTALLY FUCKED STORY
Xander:
FUUUUCk
Xander:
I wonder if they’re going to bring back Tate’s fantasy of murdering the people he loves
Peter:
My teenage fantasies did not involve any of those words
Peter:
“Murder”
Peter:
“Love”
Peter:
“People”
Xander:
Tate and Cheaterguy are having a psychiatry session in a public place
Xander:
Cheaterguy is getting all emotional about being a troubled kid
Xander:
Peter: He’s such a shitty psychiatrist
Xander:
Tate is comforting him
Xander:
“It’s gonna be okay Dr Harmon”
Xander:
oh Tate
Xander:
you are creepy
Xander:
Buying Addy a mask of a pretty girl is a nice gesture, but I can only see this going poorly
Peter:
Oh Xander
Peter:
You’ve figured out how the show works 😛
Xander:
The mask is fuuucking creepy
Xander:
“Where’s Hayden? I said if you lied to me one more time!”
Xander:
This would make much more sense if I knew who that was
Peter:
Hayden Christensen
Peter:
Played Aniken Skywalker in the prequel trilogy
Peter:
MC is just really passionate about Star Wars
Xander:
I suspect that is not true
Xander:
oh
Xander:
looks like it’s ex-mistress
Xander:
who is dead
Xander:
“I wouldn’t expect a call back”
Xander:
I bet she is going to call back.
Xander:
As a ghost.
Peter:
‘Ring ring’
Peter:
‘Hello?’
Peter:
‘BOO!’
Xander:
You know, Mainlady really hasn’t had much go on in terms of supernatural
Xander:
Cheaterguy has burnman and the murderer adventures
Xander:
Daughter has Tate
Xander:
I guess CG has Tate also
Peter:
It’s actually kind of nice how Addy is friends with all the ghosts
Peter:
She’s a sweetie
Xander:
Undead gay couple are freaking out
Xander:
trying to evict the current owners
Xander:
oh shit, was that Gimpy?
Xander:
It did a Tarantino zoom on something, I think it was Gimpy
Xander:
Someone about to die?
Xander:
Maybe!
Xander:
We’ll find out!
Peter:
Right after these messages!
Xander:
Oh christ, is the baby about to die?
Xander:
Mainlady is like, the least deserving of these shitty things
Xander:
I don’t know if that’s true, but I think I need it to be
Xander:
holy fuck
Xander:
Addy wearing the mask is creepy
Xander:
also the sexy pirates are horrible people
Peter:
But so sexy
Xander:
oh no! Don’t run on the road
Xander:
yup, that’s Addy dead
Xander:
shit
Peter:
Well now the spin-off will just be called “Out”
Xander:
Although, she may have been a ghost already
Xander:
I really don’t know
Xander:
I hope she’s not dead
Xander:
I liked her
Xander:
Haha, emergency room on halloween:
Xander:
“No, not his face. That’s a mask. It’s the leg, it’s broken”
Xander:
Apparently the baby is growing abnormally fast
Xander:
that doesn’t bode well
Xander:
aaaaand the doctor has fainted after seeing it
Peter:
And then they just leave
Peter:
Like they don’t ask for another doctor or a nurse or even look at the screen
Peter:
They just go home
Xander:
Neighbour is dragging addy “home”
Xander:
probably to keep her ghost around
Xander:
that’s kind of sweet
Xander:
Now neighbour is sad
Peter:
Well yeah her daughter did just die
Xander:
I think she realised it was too late
Xander:
Moira is visiting a nursing home
Xander:
what a mobile ghost
Peter:
haha
Xander:
I wonder if her mother knows she’s dead?
Xander:
She’s still young to all but (I think) adulterers
Xander:
and old to everyone else
Xander:
also the mother probably doesn’t know:
Xander:
She’s in a coma
Peter:
Aren’t we all in a coma, in our own way?
Xander:
Nope!
Xander:
I think Moira’s trying to kill her mother?
Xander:
So they can ghost-hangout?
Xander:
Yup, she’s dead
Xander:
Moira is a murderer
Xander:
dang
Peter:
If you’re going to dislike every character who murders someone in this show, you’re going to have a bad time
Xander:
Mother is behind her, dead
Xander:
Ma-ra: “Come with me”
Xander:
Moira: “I can’t mother”
Xander:
I feel awful for Moira
Xander:
she doesn’t deserve this
Xander:
not one bit
Peter:
🙁
Xander:
Daughter is going to the door
Xander:
it’s burnman, screaming to get his money
Xander:
oh dear
Xander:
Burnman is chasing away children
Xander:
“Just keep the door locked”
Peter:
“Just leave the house and never return”
Peter:
The season would be a lot shorter, but I guarantee all the characters would be much happier for it.
Xander:
oh fuck
Xander:
Gimpy
Xander:
Please be Nate
Xander:
Nate is the only Gimpy who doesn’t scare me
Xander:
and Nate himself scares me
Xander:
how odd
Xander:
oh hey, it’s ghost ex-mistress
Peter:
In the gimp suit?
Xander:
She’s just sort of there, wearing a level of clothes about midway between “naked” and “full body gimp suit”
Xander:
END EPISODE FOUR
Xander:
[[Episode 5]]
Xander:
The thumbnail is cheaterguy and burnman digging up something
Xander:
hopefully the body
Xander:
hopefully also Moira’s body
Xander:
That’d be nice
Xander:
then she could go free
Xander:
and not have to spend an eternity in servitude for sleeping with one person and then almost getting raped by them after breaking it off
Xander:
Have I mentioned this show is fucked?
Xander:
Completely and totally
Xander:
Oh shit, Daughter turned to the left where Gimpy was and he vanished
Xander:
oh shit
Xander:
under the bed
Xander:
fuuuck
Xander:
regular hand, probably Nate
Xander:
nope
Xander:
Nate is downstairs
Peter:
Nate?
Xander:
Tate
Xander:
not Nate
Xander:
I’m bad at this
Xander:
Oh Tate
Xander:
You’re lovely
Xander:
you painted a rose black for her
Xander:
You’re probably… SOME flavour of evil
Peter:
I’m pretty sure that’s not how any of it works
Peter:
I mean that rose was clearly not painted
Peter:
It was just…a black rose.
Xander:
I did not know that was an option
Xander:
Tate cut up that bully girls face something
Xander:
not too bad though
Xander:
deep, but not plentiful
Xander:
beyond that you seem to just be a messed up kid
Xander:
“Beyond being a secret goblin you’re messed up”
Peter:
Aaaand we have our tagline for The Gimpy Show
Xander:
Tate is having funtime adventures
Xander:
aw, they’re kissing
Xander:
wait
Xander:
he’s totally evil
Xander:
I don’t think this is good
Peter:
Evil dudes are the best at kissing
Peter:
I, uh, assume.
Xander:
Cheaterguys excuse for grabbing a knife:
Xander:
“I’m sick of those kids wrecking our house. They broke the pumpkins.”
Xander:
Cop: “And your plan is to kill them?”
Xander:
I think Cheaterguys name is Ben but that might be Burnman
Xander:
I only notice the name said when they’re together
Peter:
Burnman is called “Larry Harvey”, which is actually a cool little in-joke:
Peter:
Larry Harvey is the name of the guy who started the Burning Man Festival
Peter:
They had fun with that
Xander:
My vague understanding of this show is that each season is self contained horror, so they’ll have to explain some shit in the next 7 episodes
Peter:
I didn’t know that the first time I watched
Peter:
I thought each season was about a different family moving into the house
Xander:
Ben just hit Burnman in the face with a shovel
Xander:
Ben doesn’t believe she’s a ghost, Burnman is struggling to explain the idea
Xander:
“The thing about the dead? They have nothing left to lose.”
Xander:
“I WANT ANSWERS”
Xander:
“YOU don’t even know what the goddamn question is”
Xander:
Great line
Xander:
That camera was first person Burnman, and I was expecting Hayden to sneak up on him
Xander:
Burnman is pointing
Xander:
oh dear
Xander:
oh dear
Xander:
Ben almost killed Burnman
Xander:
oh
Xander:
the pointing turned out to be nothing
Peter:
The pointing is actually a cool little in-joke:
Peter:
Larry Harvey, the guy who started the Burning Man Festival
Peter:
…pointed once.
Peter:
Allegedly.
Xander:
I want to dispute that but I don’t know enough about pointing
Xander:
I like kindly police officer
Xander:
Please don’t turn out to be involved in this
Xander:
Tate and Daughter: Totally making out on the beach while spooky music plays
Peter:
Trust me, it’s the best way to make out
Peter:
They’ve set a new high
Peter:
No other making out will ever be able to compare
Xander:
‘Since the invention of the kiss, there have been only five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. And then beaches and spooky music came along, and changed everything.’
Xander:
Ha, Tate’s excuse for not sleeping with Daughter was that the meds mean he can’t get it up.
Xander:
That was his fear in episode 1
Peter:
Seems weird that medication would affect the dead
Peter:
Maybe he’s just not that into her?
Xander:
“I used to come here” He died there maybe?
Xander:
Unless he’s the kid of the first house owners
Xander:
“You can do anything, you can be anything”
Xander:
especially true for Tate, who is secretly a goblin
Xander:
He’s tied up in all of this somehow
Peter:
I genuinely just started wondering if they ever test medication on the dead
Peter:
That is not a clever thought-train to go down
Xander:
Oh shit, teenagers
Xander:
we HATE teenagers
Peter:
With the hip hop, and the always being on our lawn
Peter:
Wait a second…
Peter:
YOU’RE a teenager!
Xander:
Oh shit, these people are gonna kill Tate
Peter:
Wait a second…
Peter:
YOU’RE going to kill Tate!
Xander:
are they also ghosts?
Xander:
Friends of Tate when he was alive?
Xander:
Their faces are messed up, is that Halloween costumes or actual death wounds?
Xander:
Meanwhile, mainlady is chatting with ex-mistress
Xander:
This is strange to me
Xander:
She’s explaining that ex-mistress and Ben can’t end up together
Xander:
For many reasons
Xander:
such as:
Xander:
sex-mistress is dead
Peter:
Hahaha
Peter:
“Sex-mistress”
Peter:
Way better than chess-mistress.
Peter:
‘I’m risking my marriage because of my love of chess.’
Peter:
‘My wife and I are chess-monogamous, but I just can’t resist the way you castle.’
Xander:
“I regret not ripping your smug little face off”
Xander:
“Way too late for that now”
Xander:
yup. She’s dead.
Xander:
The occasional sound of latex is creepy.
Xander:
Gimpy, where you at?
Xander:
Oh shit, Gimpy wrote “Ask him” on the bathroom mirror
Xander:
They think it was ex-mistress
Xander:
It feels like I should call ex-mistress ex-ex-mistress
Xander:
what with the death
Peter:
XX maybe?
Xander:
That’s easier to type
Xander:
New nickname time! Burnman is BM, Cheaterguy is Ben, Mainlady can be MC, Daughter can be Daughter still, Hayden/Ex-mistress is XX
Peter:
Tate?
Xander:
Tate is Tate
Xander:
because that’s his name
Xander:
XX is pissed that Ben closed a door in her face
Xander:
not so much by the murder
Xander:
Ghosts in this show are creepy
Xander:
So many of them just want to bang
Peter:
I feel like they accurately represent the general population in that regard
Xander:
oh wow, she just vomited up part of her lungs
Xander:
“I’m rotting from the inside out”
Xander:
“A GAZEBO, BEN? Not even a decent headstone?”
Xander:
He built a fucking Gazebo
Xander:
I would love that as my headstone.
Peter:
*makes note*
Xander:
None of the main characters have clicked onto the fact that these are ghosts yet
Xander:
BM (hereafter “Burny”) just knocked out Ben and is trying to beg forgiveness of the woman he murdered
Xander:
murdered most recently that is
Xander:
(probably)
Peter:
Oh hey
Peter:
I just realized: how did this house go from being “mansion” to “student housing” and then back to “mansion”?
Peter:
Unless the nurses were like, millionaire student nurses.
Xander:
Welp, jealous gay dead man is about to do some murdering maybe
Xander:
oh hey, XX is taking a bath
Xander:
they’ve done a great job of making her look freshly dead
Peter:
Fun fact: they used an actual corpse for that scene
Peter:
Ugh okay I immediately grossed myself out with that idea
Peter:
*scribbles down plot ideas for “Gimpy”*
Xander:
This dog really hasn’t done anything of interest in this show
Xander:
he’s barked a few times to be like “SHIT IS FUCKED”
Peter:
At the risk of spoiling the plot for you
Peter:
The real-estate lady isn’t the ghost mastermind
Peter:
It’s the dog.
Xander:
oh hey, Burny started a fire it seems
Xander:
dammit Burny
Xander:
That’s what got you into this mess
Peter:
Stick with what you know!
Xander:
Tate is not so good at bullshitting about these people he totally knows
Xander:
oh!
Xander:
They killed him
Xander:
That makes sense
Xander:
(That’s my theory, not a revelation that has actually happened)
Xander:
Like, if it’s true it makes sense
Xander:
XX wants to apologize to MC
Xander:
oh fuck, Bath full of blood
Xander:
XX’s blood
Xander:
God damn this has gotta be weird for MC
Xander:
oh shit
Xander:
someone KNOCKED OVER THE PISTACHIOS
Xander:
GET THE COPS
Peter:
“Nut cops”
Xander:
oh fuck, something just exploded in the microwave
Xander:
oh please don’t have been the dog
Xander:
hey, it’s the teenagers
Xander:
the probably undead teenagers
Peter:
In the microwave?
Xander:
haha no
Xander:
at the door
Xander:
these people are dicks
Xander:
and look like they’re right out of the eighties
Xander:
Did Tate kill all of these people?
Xander:
Maybe?
Xander:
I dunno
Xander:
Dude with no bottom jaw is gross
Xander:
“Pick up a yearbook”
Xander:
yes, that is what I do when I go to a school
Xander:
Read past yearbooks
Peter:
I always hope to find a celebrity’s highschool pic
Peter:
I guess it’s less likely in Australia, but the hope is still there.
Xander:
Tate is running
Xander:
clever tactic
Xander:
has good returns
Xander:
so, did Tate goblin the fuck out of these people?
Peter:
Hahahaha
Peter:
best verb ever
Xander:
oh hey, Neighbour and Daughter interaction
Xander:
that doesn’t happen all that much
Xander:
oh thank fuck, the dog is alive
Xander:
unless it’s a ghost?
Xander:
Ghost dog
Xander:
Is that a movie?
Xander:
Ohh
Xander:
XX didn’t know MC is pregnant
Xander:
She was about to tell MC she was pregnant
Xander:
before the murder
Xander:
and I think MC has realised
Xander:
oh fuck
Xander:
XX has some glass
Xander:
and is about to stab some belly
Xander:
hers or MC’s? I don’t know
Xander:
equally fucked
Peter:
Well I mean one of them is a ghost
Peter:
Stabbing a ghost probably not as fucked as stabbing a not-ghost
Xander:
ghost gay guy, it’s not your house any more
Xander:
oh hey, it’s original lady of the house
Xander:
“First Lady”
Peter:
Husband of the Ghost President
Xander:
she’s totally on Ben’s side
Xander:
might be the first good ghost maybe?
Xander:
I don’t know
Peter:
Moira is pretty good
Peter:
If you’re okay with euthanasia
Xander:
Oh!
Xander:
First Lady has a vested interest because MC is pregnant
Xander:
and her husband she hated was an abortionist
Xander:
XX: “I’m going to cut it out of you”
Xander:
XX don’t do this
Xander:
oh dear, kindly police officer is holding a ghost at gunpoint
Xander:
this is how kindly police officers die
Peter:
If he dies, he could totally become a ghost cop
Peter:
“Ghost Cop”
Peter:
I’d watch that movie
Xander:
Oh man, Addy is totally dead
Xander:
awww, Neighbour is doing Addy’s makeup
Xander:
I liked Addy
Xander:
I suspect that I won’t like ghost Addy
Xander:
that doesn’t seem like it’ll end well
Xander:
“When a child dies, it’s immortality that a parent loses”
Xander:
What a haunting sentiment
Xander:
Constance? Holy shit, Neighbour has a name
Xander:
I feel like Moira or First Lady should have been called Constance
Xander:
Yes Neighbour/Constance, give her a cigarette
Xander:
that is a healthy habit to support
Xander:
oh who the fuck am I kidding she killed a woman and taunts her ghost, this is not the worst thing she has done
Xander:
“Tate is my son”
Xander:
HOLY SHIT
Xander:
DAMN
Xander:
FUUUUCK
Xander:
I did not see that coming.
Rory:
Xander, that was a HUGGGGEEEEEE plot twist for me.
Xander:
You mentioned other childREN though
Xander:
Addy, Tate, ?
Xander:
Batman?
Xander:
Shit, that’d be a twist
Rory:
WHAT IS NEXT
Rory:
FIND OUT NEXT TIME
Rory:
ON AMERICAN BALL Z
Xander:
So much has happened, but I don’t know that the plot is any further forward
Xander:
okay no it definitely is
Xander:
Creepy whistling of that song from Snow White.
Xander:
damn that’s effective
Peter:
Every song is just automatically creepier when whistled in an echoey room
Xander:
Tate does not remember these people
Xander:
genuinely
Xander:
OH DAMN
Xander:
IT’S THE PEOPLE FROM HIS FANTASY
Xander:
FUUUCK
Xander:
“I should be 34 years old” oh
Xander:
Instead of beating the shit out of Tate and killing him, they just chased him down and gave him the finger
Xander:
how about that
Peter:
THAT’ll show him!
Xander:
all the ghosts are returning to the house
Xander:
dang
Xander:
looks like we’ve been introduced to all the major players
Xander:
the nurses, the twins, the gay couple, Moira, First Lady, XX
Peter:
Gimpy, star of the most fucked-up kid’s show ever.
Peter:
“Hey kids, it’s Gimpy! He’s here to collect your eyeballs, and crush them up into FUN!”
Xander:
I think that inside Gimpy is the child of First Lady
Xander:
the one who First Man fucked up
Peter:
I believe you mean “Ghost President”
Xander:
Kindly Police Officer is in the car with XX
Xander:
“He was the love of my life”
Xander:
That doesn’t sound true
Xander:
Kindly Police Officer, shouldn’t you have bars separating you from the backseat people?
Xander:
oh damn, she disappeared
Xander:
I forgot they do that sometimes
Peter:
“The Backseat People” would be a very low-budget horror film
Peter:
I do not know why I am turning everything into films today.
Xander:
This scene is just Ben getting ready
Xander:
he found the broken picture frame
Xander:
it contains him, daughter, and MC being all happy and shit
Xander:
This is what I got so far: Ben, Violet, Constance, Tate, Adelaide
Xander:
I can’t think of any other characters with names I know
Peter:
Moira
Peter:
Batman
Peter:
Gimpy
Peter:
Gimpy’s best friend Stumpy
Peter:
(Stumpy’s legs were gnawed off by Gimpy)
Peter:
(Gimpy was having a bad day)
Xander:
oh hey, Ben has packed and left the murder house
Xander:
honestly? Good for him
Xander:
now if everyone else could leave
Xander:
including Moira
Xander:
poor Moira
Xander:
[[Episode Six]]
Xander:
so Tate was a school shooter
Xander:
damn
Xander:
What a mishmash of people in the library
Xander:
one of every archetype it seems
Peter:
This scene was actually based on a very early draft of The Breakfast Club
Xander:
Tate, you’re a dick
Xander:
Does the library actually not have a back door?
Xander:
It clearly does
Xander:
I can see it
Xander:
Staying in the one place was probably a good idea though, come to think of it
Peter:
I feel like in that situation, I’d make a run for it
Xander:
he shot through the door
Xander:
killed nice blue shirted man
Xander:
The “Preppy” archetype is down
Xander:
Oh hey, it’s the Snow White whistling again
Xander:
Goth archetype is down
Xander:
Greaser is down
Xander:
this is a genuinely haunting scene
Peter:
Yeah this whole bit was so well done
Xander:
holy shit
Xander:
there goes Nerd
Xander:
fuck
Xander:
Jock, instead of disarming him in any way you just stood a foot in front of him and said that was enough
Peter:
How’d that go for him?
Xander:
Jock is down
Xander:
Cheerleader is down
Xander:
Does Tate have a twin I wonder?
Xander:
Or is he just genuinely evil and forgot?
Xander:
It has to be the house.
Xander:
What caused the fucked up house?
Xander:
The land maybe?
Xander:
I just can’t believe that Doctor McCreepyFuck and First Lady getting messed up are the problem
Peter:
Hey
Peter:
Doctor McCreepyFuck has a name
Peter:
“Ghost President”
Xander:
Daughter has just read all of the internet stuff about the school shooting
Xander:
and the fact that Tate should clearly be dead or aged
Peter:
This is actually the biggest plot-hole of the show
Peter:
Addy’s not a ghost, right? She’s just alive
Peter:
But there’s a picture of Tate – as he was at the time of the school shooting – standing next to her – as she looks now
Peter:
Unless there’s something about Down’s Syndrome that I’m not understanding
Peter:
Huge continuity error that’s never explained
Peter:
Bugs me so much
Xander:
This show has some phenomenal use of music
Xander:
These ghosts are always surprised when people don’t just immediately get that ghosts exists
Peter:
Yeah it’s a bit inconsistent
Peter:
Based on the school shooting victims, ghosts exist outside the house
Peter:
Although that was still linked to the house so who knows?
Peter:
Who knows?
Xander:
“Have some chamomile tea”
Xander:
I totally would but we’re all out
Xander:
“Do you think I wanted a bloody mexican ghost in my bathroom?”
Xander:
Okay, so Ghosts are a thing in general
Peter:
It’s way better explained than it was in Casper
Peter:
Even with the aforementioned plot-hole
Xander:
“There are some who have an especially violent reaction to being violently murdered”
Peter:
Yet you very rarely see soldier ghosts
Peter:
You’d think war-zones would be teeming with them
Peter:
Maybe it’s because they considered it their duty to die or something
Xander:
Or maybe it’s because ghosts aren’t real
Peter:
…could be that, yeah.
Xander:
oh hey,
Xander:
They’ve recruited Violet to get Tate to cross over
Xander:
Jesus, Violet’s grandmother told her
Xander:
“They don’t understand you. They’ll never understand you”
Xander:
What a constructive thing to say
Xander:
MC is rubbing her pregnant belly
Xander:
aaaaand therere is a claw
Peter:
“Therere”
Peter:
The spookiest form of “there”
Xander:
oh thank god it was a dream
Xander:
First use of CG I’ve really noticed in the show
Peter:
There, they’re, their, and – for situations relating to ghosts and ghouls – therere.
Xander:
MC, you about to seduce Kindly Police Officer?
Xander:
He’s too cool for you
Xander:
(Oh please don’t die Kindly Police Officer)
Xander:
Kindly Police Officer: “My wife cheated on me”
Xander:
MC: “With another man?”
Xander:
Why is that your first question?
Xander:
Like, it turned out to be a woman
Xander:
but how could you have known that?
Xander:
Vivien!
Xander:
Okay, a lot of characters are now named.
Xander:
Good.
Peter:
She’ll always be “Coach’s Wife” to me
Xander:
What in?
Peter:
Friday Night Lights
Peter:
She’s great in that
Xander:
Oh hey, kind of boring marital difficulties drama
Xander:
oh no
Xander:
Don’t cut Violet please don’t
Xander:
shit, not your throat
Peter:
I understand it’s a very real issue that a lot of people struggle with
Peter:
But cutting squicks the hell out of me
Xander:
This guy’s younger brothers held him down and told him horror stories
Xander:
this HAS to tie in
Peter:
HE is great in Modern Family
Peter:
They just generally did a great job casting for this show
Xander:
I feel bad for him
Xander:
This is a good horror story
Xander:
“Piggy man”
Xander:
Hogbutcher in Chicago
Xander:
oh christ, so many horror story victims are completely innocent
Peter:
Yeah it drives me mad
Peter:
I have a very strong sense of fairness
Peter:
And you can’t go into a horror movie or show with that
Peter:
(or a sitcom, as I’m learning)
Xander:
I have the exact same problem
Xander:
holy fuck
Xander:
that was a good jump scare
Xander:
I thought it’d be a total letdown
Xander:
that nothing would happen
Xander:
nope, brutal murder
Xander:
in a fantasy, but still a surprise
Peter:
A well-executed jump scare is a beautiful thing
Peter:
On par with a really great joke
Xander:
“I want you to shave”
Xander:
PROFESSIONAL PSYCHIATRIST
Xander:
Violet is all sadly
Xander:
“I have you”
Xander:
The music playing over that line makes it much more sinister
Xander:
Good use of music
Xander:
also red herrings
Xander:
I wonder what’ll be important
Xander:
can’t be everything, too many hooks
Peter:
I mean
Peter:
The aim of the show is to spook and entertain
Peter:
So anything that does that is “important”
Peter:
It’s not like a murder mystery, where there’s a big reveal at the end and you get to see what mattered
Xander:
Constance is coping well with Addy’s death apparently
Xander:
I wasn’t so sold on Constance for a while
Peter:
Who doesn’t love Constance?
Xander:
oh right
Xander:
she killed Moira
Xander:
that’s why
Xander:
I forgot that
Xander:
and she also steals from Vivien and taunts Moira about her eternal suffering
Peter:
I still love Constance.
Xander:
“Cheating is on par with murder”
Xander:
That’s… not so true
Peter:
I want to say “Americans” and roll my eyes, but it’s just generally a very common attitude
Peter:
Not just in America
Xander:
“Ben will cheat again if given half a chance”
Xander:
He resisted you for a lot of seduction, Moira
Xander:
not old Moira either
Xander:
YOUNG Moira
Xander:
the attractive one
Xander:
No offence to old moira
Xander:
I’m sure that you can get as many men as you want
Xander:
You know what?
Xander:
I’m surprised that Ben hasn’t slept with young Moira, and that everyone else hasn’t slept with old Moira.
Peter:
Prepared to be erotically overwhelmed?
Peter:
Old Moira making out with young Moira.
Peter:
Your pants can thank me later
Xander:
Oh please don’t get murdered by this butcher guy
Xander:
I like you, dude-from-Modern-Family
Xander:
oh christ
Xander:
I agree with Ben so much on the whole “There’s no such thing as spirits” attitude
Xander:
except that it’s proven to be true in this show
Xander:
multiple times
Peter:
Haha yeah
Peter:
The ultimate atheist frustration
Xander:
is the piggy there?
Xander:
I gotsta know
Xander:
oh fuck
Xander:
it’s not the piggy
Xander:
it was the nurse
Xander:
she’s in the mirror
Xander:
christing shitfuckery
Xander:
Her eyes: Not normally bleeding!
Xander:
That wasn’t normal!
Xander:
Meanwhile: “I’m the daddy”
Xander:
the zoom on Viviens face at that points is totally fucking suss
Xander:
SUSS
Xander:
“I owe you an apology”
Xander:
Oh wow, it’s cocaine-bully
Xander:
haven’t seen her for a few episodes
Xander:
she’s gettin’ all Christian on Violet
Xander:
Don’t jack her pills, Violet
Xander:
They were not prescribed to you
Peter:
She do what she want, Xander
Peter:
You ain’t the boss of her
Xander:
I guess I’m not that big either.
Xander:
oh man, she’s at the library
Xander:
where all the kids died
Xander:
“died”
Xander:
Were horribly murdered
Xander:
Violet: “I just wanna know why he did it”
Xander:
Guy: “Me too.”
Xander:
Oh hey, this guy is Preppy kid
Xander:
turns out he was a teacher
Xander:
not a preppy kid
Peter:
Still working at the same place, of course
Peter:
I mean I get that it would be bad writing if he got a new job and we never saw him again
Peter:
But yeah
Peter:
Little bit silly
Xander:
“Good people don’t just have a bad day start killing people”
Xander:
See: The Joker
Xander:
He tried to prove that
Xander:
didn’t work
Xander:
Moira is adorable
Xander:
working for free
Xander:
I mean, she does live there
Xander:
secretly
Peter:
I think I would be okay with people secretly living in my house
Peter:
If it meant I got a free maid out of it
Xander:
Why does she keep going for this raw meat shit?
Xander:
Moira, what are you playing at?
Xander:
Oh my
Xander:
it’s brain
Xander:
Vivien seems unenthused
Xander:
but completely willing
Xander:
she’s enjoying it, in fact
Xander:
Please don’t turn out to be human brain
Xander:
or something equally fucked
Peter:
For the record, eating any kind of brain is considered a bad idea
Peter:
Medically speaking
Xander:
With an eating montage, they best have some payoff for that
Peter:
‘Food fight!’
Xander:
Gimpy?
Xander:
That you buddy?
Xander:
So Violet is the first person to find out about ghosts
Xander:
which gives her points for survival
Xander:
she just went into the basement
Xander:
all survival points gone
Xander:
aaaand she’s running into all of these ghosts
Xander:
the twins
Xander:
the home invaders
Xander:
the nurses
Xander:
the First Guy Doctor Fellow
Xander:
Peter: Um Xander?
Xander:
GHOST
Xander:
PRESIDENT
Xander:
she got out, but it looks like XX is around
Xander:
XX wrote “I love you” on a blackboard
Xander:
why does their house have a blackboard?
Xander:
That question may never be answered
Xander:
oh god don’t take this many pills
Xander:
that is likely far above the recommended dosage
Xander:
a recommended dosage you DON’T HAVE
Xander:
BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT YOUR PILLS
Xander:
Tate is dragging her body, trying to revive her
Xander:
from the pill overdose
Xander:
looks like it worked
Xander:
Nate is the best
Xander:
Tate*
Xander:
Catherine Tate: Also pretty good
Xander:
Peter: Catherine Nate
Xander:
“You’re doing this to yourself”
Xander:
That advice to the man scared of mirrors would be much better advice if ghosts weren’t actually real here
Xander:
this is probably fucking him up
Xander:
if they did a film of this Ben would totally be played by Hugh Jackman
Xander:
Handsome, handsome Hugh Jackman
Peter:
I’m not even going to ask about the logic there
Xander:
HAHAHA
Xander:
The woman who fainted at Vivien’s ultrasound has become a nun out of fear of it
Xander:
“You have satan in your womb”
Xander:
Damn.
Peter:
That is news that new mothers rarely want to hear
Peter:
Like, 1 out of 1000 times.
Peter:
Tops.
Xander:
Oh shit
Xander:
mirror guy
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
please don’t die
Xander:
OH WHAT DID I JUST FUCKING SAY
Xander:
IT WAS FUCKING ROBBERS
Xander:
FUUUUUCKSAKE
Xander:
FUCKSAKE
Xander:
FUCK
Xander:
SAKE
Xander:
HE WASN’T CALLING YOU A PIGGY
Xander:
GOD DAMN
Xander:
I’m laughing so fucking hard at that
Xander:
christ
Peter:
You get an inordinate amount of joy from seeing people die. 😛
Peter:
(But yeah that is truly an awesome bit)
Xander:
Oh hey, Addy is chatting to Constance through a medium
Xander:
This must be weird for Constance, whose other child (that we know of) is just sort of around
Xander:
they chill some days
Xander:
other days he turns into a goblin
Peter:
Ugh
Peter:
Mediums
Peter:
Another atheist objection that’s totally reasonable in the real world, but doesn’t really work in a universe where ghosts are real
Xander:
Constance would totally be played by Sally Field
Xander:
just because of her Forrest Gump performance
Xander:
ooo!
Xander:
Who could Tom Hanks play?
Peter:
Batman
Xander:
Medium is crying
Xander:
What’s this?
Xander:
What’s happening?
Xander:
There about to be some shit revealed?
Xander:
“She’s grateful for not getting to the lawn with Tate”
Xander:
Addy: Understandably pissed at all of Tate’s murders
Xander:
Tate, pulling a gun in front of all those swat was a shitty move
Xander:
in fact
Xander:
it’s what got you killed
Xander:
christ Tate
Xander:
think it through
Xander:
Violet has one of Tate’s schoolbooks
Xander:
I had the schoolbook of a friend in the grade above me
Xander:
his math one
Xander:
that was good times
Xander:
He didn’t shoot up ANY shools
Xander:
schools
Xander:
what is wrong with you Xander?
Xander:
Your spelling today.
Xander:
What was it earlier?
Xander:
Neigher?
Xander:
Oh man
Xander:
You’re so dumb Xander
Peter:
Maybe it’s time for someone to have some sleep
Peter:
(by someone I mean you)
Xander:
menawhile, Tate has confessed his love for Violet
Xander:
“Menawhile” jesus christ
Xander:
Yeah okay might sleep after this episode
Xander:
Violet, don’t spoon with the murdering ghost
Xander:
it doesn’t work out in the end
Xander:
he’s a ghost

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