Game of Thrones, Season 1: Episodes 3-4

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In June/July 2014 (four years late to the party) Elizabeth finally watched through Game of Thrones. Aware of her squeamishness, her brother Xander (who’s seen the show) and friend Anne (who’s also read the books) thought it might be amusing to see her reactions as she watched. This is the transcript of that experience: it contains many spoilers and not much coping.
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game of thrones
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[[Episode 3]]
Elizabeth:
Hmm, I suspect it is time for dinner and more GoT
Elizabeth:
Episode 3, promisingly titled “Lord Snow”
Elizabeth:
Gosh Joffrey is a wimp
Anne:
He is the just the worst in every way
Elizabeth:
‘If you want to fuck painted whores, go ahead. Anything you want’
Elizabeth:
Queenie you are the best at giving motherly advice
Elizabeth:
Wait wait wait, did the butcher’s boy die?!
Xander:
He sure did!
Elizabeth:
Ayra continues to be my favourite
Elizabeth:
The sword looks so tiny when Papa Stark holds it
Elizabeth:
“Try not to stab your sister with it”
Elizabeth:
Some good fathering going on there
Anne:
Ned’s a good egg
Elizabeth:
I would like to know more about the white walkers also
Elizabeth:
Oh Bran, poor lamb, better to have something wrong with your legs than be dead
Elizabeth:
Good lord there are a lot of prostitutes in this show
Xander:
It’s one of the many dangers inherent to GoT
Elizabeth:
Mr Owner-of-the-Dagger seems cool
Elizabeth:
Being a bastard would suck
Xander:
I have a friend who is a bastard
Xander:
he will never be king but otherwise is coping fine
Elizabeth:
Ravens seem so much cooler than pigeons
Xander:
I don’t think anyone has ever argued to the contrary
Elizabeth:
Haha, oh Papa Stark
Elizabeth:
Detective Stark really *is* hiding in the brothel
Elizabeth:
Tyrion! You are the best!
Elizabeth:
“What of our faces?”
Elizabeth:
“It’s just, I think they would look good on spikes, I’ll have to suggest it to my sister”
Xander:
Elizabeth as my sister it is your responsibility to keep my head off of a spike
Xander:
Also to keep me off of the pole
Elizabeth:
I’ll do what I can
Elizabeth:
Jaime you are not very nice
Elizabeth:
Papa and Detective Stark are cute together
Elizabeth:
No wonder the Starks are generally cool
Elizabeth:
Are they reminiscing over first kills?
Xander:
Yeah basically
Elizabeth:
Medieval conversation is weird
Xander:
It’s all “Who did you kill first?” or “What limbs did you lose to the plague?”
Elizabeth:
Don’t talk about weeing and then demand wine, Robert
Elizabeth:
“Kingslayer” what a nickname
Elizabeth:
“Any last words?”
Elizabeth:
“I cut his head off, so no”
Elizabeth:
Dany is taking charge
Xander:
What’s Dany been up to lately?
Elizabeth:
Well, Visery just threatened her and was shown what for
Elizabeth:
Visery is not proving himself as regal as his sister
Anne:
Was ‘what for’ sharp?
Elizabeth:
A whip around the neck
Elizabeth:
It was quite cool
Elizabeth:
I like Dany
Anne:
I do like when he realises how crap he is
Elizabeth:
(Although she did not wield said whip)
Elizabeth:
He just didn’t seem to quite realise he had no power until then
Anne:
All he has is his name and his big mouth ruins that
Elizabeth:
More medieval conversational pieces: what’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten?
Elizabeth:
Tyrion is the best
Xander:
List of the best:
Xander:
-Tyrion
Xander:
That checks out, Elizabeth
Elizabeth:
Dany is apparently pregnant
Elizabeth:
OR her servant wanted a good excuse for a grope
Elizabeth:
I suspect the latter
Anne:
Or both
Elizabeth:
Hey, being preggers has some perks
Elizabeth:
Goat for dinner
Elizabeth:
Wait, are the seasons skewy?
Xander:
Skewy how?
Elizabeth:
Tyrion said he’s only seen 7 or 8 winters, and these other guys reckon it’s been summer for 3 years
Elizabeth:
Is it metaphor or literal?
Xander:
Literal!
Anne:
Seasons are weird in that world
Anne:
They can last years
Xander:
In the book I think they say they’re in the 8th year of Summer
Xander:
Hence why “Winter is Coming” is such a thing
Elizabeth:
Right, that’s what I was wondering
Elizabeth:
I thought it was like peace versus war or something
Elizabeth:
Dany and Mr Dany seem happy, that’s good, I guess?
Xander:
How are you feeling about Mr Dany?
Elizabeth:
Well, he seems okay. Like the most horrible thing he has done was contextually appropriate, and he doesn’t seem outright mean or vicious or anything
Xander:
What did Mr Dany do?
Elizabeth:
Mr Dany – well, Dany wasn’t super keen to have sex with him, and that all seemed quite awful, but he wasn’t doing anything wrong according to their societies
Xander:
It’s not cool regardless of the society though
Elizabeth:
“Better to be a rich cripple” very true, Tyrion, very true
Elizabeth:
Heee!! Ayra is getting “dancing” lessons!
Elizabeth:
I am loving this sword fighting lesson
Xander:
Sword fighting?
Xander:
I only remember the dancing lessons.
Elizabeth:
Ayra takes “dancing” lessons that are actually sword fighting lessons
Elizabeth:
So good!
Anne:
Nope. It’s all dancing
Anne:
WATER DANCING
Elizabeth:
Apologies
Elizabeth:
Water dancing, sword fighting, how could I confuse the two
Elizabeth:
The instructor is cool
Elizabeth:
Aw, Papa Stark came to watch
Elizabeth:
END EPISODE
Xander:
Sometimes the episodes end without Bran being pushed out of a window
Xander:
it is not often so we much enjoy it while it lasts
Elizabeth:
Those sound like the best episode endings
Elizabeth:
Well that episode was mostly cute and non-traumatic
Anne:
Yay!
Elizabeth:
Maybe things are looking up?
Anne:
Haha its so sweet that you think that
Elizabeth:
Sweet because it is true?!
Xander:
Sweet gnarly at how radically accurate your predictions were
Elizabeth:
Let us go forth – next episode!
Elizabeth:
 
Elizabeth:
[[Episode 4]]
Elizabeth:
Bran!
Elizabeth:
You seem to be walking!
Elizabeth:
Yay!
Elizabeth:
Ugh, three eyed ravens ruin everything
Elizabeth:
Hmm, who is this middleman between Robb and Bran?
Anne:
That’s Winterfell’s Maester
Anne:
They’re like old teachers who wear lots of chains
Elizabeth:
Robb, Tyrion is cool. Be nice to him
Elizabeth:
“I’m not a cripple”
Elizabeth:
“Then I’m not a dwarf. My father will rejoice”
Elizabeth:
N’aww, Tyrion has brought Bran the ability to ride a horse!
Elizabeth:
Haha, and he goes off to sleep in the brothel recognising he is not welcome
Elizabeth:
Oh!
Elizabeth:
Captors! This implies this guy is the captive you mentioned
Anne:
Captive in the roman style of a sort of long term hostage raised in the host family
Anne:
Keeps his family loyal
Elizabeth:
Yup yup
Elizabeth:
If I ever have to go to the Night’s Watch boot camp I want Jon Snow defending me
Elizabeth:
Sam, I sympathise with you
Elizabeth:
Talking to someone who is thought to be a coward doesn’t mean you are a coward.
Elizabeth:
That makes no sense
Xander:
Maybe not in Australia
Xander:
in Westeros it all makes sense
Elizabeth:
Visery’s having a little sulk because his sister has a people and he doesn’t
Elizabeth:
“Why did you sell slaves?”
Elizabeth:
“I had no money and an expensive wife”
Elizabeth:
best moral reasoning ever
Xander:
I think you’ve seen enough for this to not really be a spoiler:
Xander:
One of the characters is a Cylon
Xander:
You have been warned.
Elizabeth:
No way
Elizabeth:
“Well after 15 years in a pleasure house I imagine seeing the sky would make you happy”
Elizabeth:
NOPE dragons or bust
Elizabeth:
I like this servant girl
Elizabeth:
She is cool
Xander:
Describe her?
Elizabeth:
Long brown hair, currently in a bath with Visery, taught Dany how to improve her sexual technique
Elizabeth:
Sexually aroused by dragons
Elizabeth:
“What did I buy you for? To make me sad?”
Elizabeth:
Oh Viserys
Elizabeth:
Sansa, only having girls doesn’t go well for Queens
Elizabeth:
I wouldn’t advise it
Elizabeth:
Running a kingdom seems an expensive task
Elizabeth:
“Summer snows”, that would explain why it is summer and also snowing
Elizabeth:
“Last words are usually as significant as first words” that’s kinda cute
Elizabeth:
“Poison is a woman’s weapon”
Elizabeth:
Papa Stark, you are not as good an investigator as Detective Stark
Elizabeth:
Ayra is so cute
Xander:
Arya is so cute!
Elizabeth:
Sam and Jon are clearly going to be the best team
Elizabeth:
Oh Sammy
Elizabeth:
It’s okay, you’re friends with Jon now
Elizabeth:
Guy-who-owns-brothels-and-is-still-in-love-with-Detective-Stark, you are a cool dude
Xander:
That’s Peter!
Xander:
Peter Baelish
Xander:
aka Little Finger
Xander:
Not our brother Peter
Xander:
He would probably have mentioned it if he was in Game of Thrones
Xander:
So who is your FAVOURITE so far?
Elizabeth:
I can only have one favourite?!
Xander:
You must choose!
Xander:
It is hard, yes
Elizabeth:
I might have to go with Ayra
Elizabeth:
She seems a safe choice
Elizabeth:
I am super interested to see how Dany’s storyline unfolds, though
Xander:
Yeah, she’s a cutie
Xander:
In the books, I think Dany is like 13
Elizabeth:
Yeah, I thought she might be a young teen in this, aged up a bit so it’s a wee bit more palatable for audiences
Xander:
Anyone you hate?
Xander:
If so, who do you hate the most?
Elizabeth:
Hmmmm
Elizabeth:
Joffrey seems pretty irredeemable so far
Elizabeth:
Everyone else is interesting enough for me to be okay with
Xander:
Assume they weren’t interesting who do you dislike?
Elizabeth:
Joffrey is just too realistically useless whiney self important brat
Elizabeth:
Jaime doesn’t seem too nice
Elizabeth:
And he tried to kill Bran
Elizabeth:
Sansa’s kinda irritating
Xander:
Sansa is perfect!
Elizabeth:
Jon is defending Sam! Woo!
Elizabeth:
Random guy! Don’t be mean to Sam!
Elizabeth:
Haha, no one will fight Sam!
Elizabeth:
Sam is adorably confused!
Xander:
Samsa is perfect!
Elizabeth:
Thorn, Jon is always right
Elizabeth:
Viserys, way to overreact
Elizabeth:
Dany is just being nice
Elizabeth:
Go Dany! Show Viserys what for!
Elizabeth:
N’aww, Sam you cutie-pie
Elizabeth:
Huh, is Snow like the generic last name for bastards from the north?
Xander:
Yes!
Elizabeth:
That’s quite a cool bit of world building
Xander:
Westeros is a fantastic world
Xander:
I don’t know if it’s actually something that comes up, but there’s an expression in the world building community called “How do they wipe in Westeros?” which is basically talking about the importance of details
Elizabeth:
I also like how Ros must be the favourite prostitute, she keeps being mentioned
Anne:
Ros wasn’t in the books, she’s there as an expository device in the show
Xander:
Also only in the show: The Starks!
Xander:
There is very little in the North in the books
Anne:
Haha
Elizabeth:
Wait, the Iron throne, the Starks, is this show just a prequel for the Iron Man movies?
Xander:
we have been rumbled
Xander:
this was my way of getting you to watch Iron Man 2
Xander:
(which is a bad film)
Elizabeth:
IS TONY STARK THE CYLON?!
Elizabeth:
Jon you are so lovely
Elizabeth:
Jon and Sam are such cuties
Elizabeth:
Thorn you are such a buzzkill
Elizabeth:
Arya so much cute
Elizabeth:
Baelish is also cool
Elizabeth:
Who is Jon Aron (guy who may have been murdered) in the grand scheme of things?
Xander:
He was the hand of the king
Elizabeth:
I like how the horses wear skirt things
Elizabeth:
That match the shields
Elizabeth:
EWWWWWWW
Xander:
ew?
Elizabeth:
GUY SPURTING BLOOD AFTER HAVING NECK STABBED IN JOUSTING TOURNAMENT
Elizabeth:
Damn, things are not looking good for Tyrion
Elizabeth:
EPISODE END
Xander:
Are you watching another one?
Xander:
Or being LAME
Elizabeth:
Being lame
Elizabeth:
I am sleeeepy
Xander:
You are always sleepy!
Elizabeth:
Not true!
Elizabeth:
Sometimes I am dozy!
Elizabeth:
And sometimes snoozy!
Elizabeth:
 

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